NERD HUMOR

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer

12) Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11) This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!

10) You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

9) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!

8) What is this talk of 'release?' Klingons do not make software 'releases.' Our software 'escapes,' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

7) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.

5) I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.

4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

3) By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

2) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!

1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

How to Catch a Lion

• Shroedinger's Method
  At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.
• Thermodynamics Method
  We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert.
• The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
  We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system:
  Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
  Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage.
  Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
  Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
• Contributions from Computer Science
  • The search method
    We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to solve the problem.
  • The parallel search method
    By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the north much faster than earlier.
  • The practical approach
    We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.
  • The common language approach
    If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be trivial to solve.