My Little Labyrinth: the Movie
In the last scene, Jareth had just finished singing with the goblins.
*Meanwhile, the other ponies and Megan still wander through the maze.*
Gusty (groaning): Another dead end!
*As the ponies turn to head back, two doors with strange "guards" in front of them appear.*
Alph: No, that's the dead end behind you!
Megan: What in the HECK?
Shady: Oh no! What if they're evil! What if they're planning to give us freaky hair and wear spandex and . . .
All: Shut up, Shady!
Magic Star: So what's up with you doors?
Ralph: One of us leads to certain death, the other leads towards the center of the Labyrinth!
Gusty: Okay--so which of you is which?
Alph: Ah, but only one of us will tell the truth, and the other will always lie! It's tricky!
Megan (unimpressed): Or we could simply *open* both the doors and discover which leads to certain death.
Ralph: That's not fair!
Magic Star: You say that so often . . . I wonder what your basis for comparison is!
Ralph (ignoring Magic Star): And you can only ask one of us.
Megan: Okay, okay, I'll go along with this. (looking at Alph) Here's my question: is Magic Star yellow or pink?
Alph: Um, she's pink.
Megan: Great. Now--does your door lead to certain death?
Ralph: We never said you could ask more than one question!
Magic Star: You didn't say we couldn't!
Gusty: Yeah, we should get one question per person at *least*!
Alph (grumbling): No, my door doesn't lead to certain death.
Gusty: I'll take door number two, please.
Megan: Piece of cake!
*Everyone crowds through the right door--only to fall into a chute! Helping hands try to catch them, but the ponies are too heavy, and the hands are simply yanked from the walls instead. The ponies land safely on a pile of hands.*
Shady: Oh no, we're stuck in an oubliette and it's all my fault!
Gusty: Yeah, it *is* your fault! It's your bad luck!
Magic Star: You're just grumpy because we've been left to fester and rot in an oubliette! It's not her fault!
Gusty: Yes it is! Yes it *is*!
*The ponies look for a way out. Gusty continues muttering about how it's Shady's fault.*
*Meanwhile, Spike and Baby Lickety-Split are surrounded by goblins.*
Baby Lickety-Split: I don't like this place!
Jareth: Haha! See, now the dwarf will lead your friends back to the beginning of the maze! You will both become goblins!
Spike (whispering to Baby Lickety-Split): Don't worry, the other ponies will rescue us!
Baby Lickety-Split: I don't want to wait for them!
*She begins running through the castle.*
Spike: Lickety! Wait!
Jareth: HEY!
Baby Lickety-Split (singing): I'll go it alone! I'll go it alooooone!
*Elsewhere, Hoggle arrives at the oubliette.*
Hoggle: Eh, great news, little horses--
Gusty: Ponies.
Hoggle: Whatever! I've come to help you find your way out of this oubliette, out of the Labyrinth!
Fizzy: Out? But we're trying to find our way further in!
Megan: Fizzy's right! We can't lose hope!
*Megan begins singing.*
Megan: There's always another rainbow, search until you find it!
Don't look at the clouds, look behind it,
There's a rainbow there somewhere!
There's always another . . .
Hoggle: All right, all right, I'll help you! Just stop singing!
*Hoggle puts a door against the wall and opens it. Sunlight streams in.*
Fizzy: Wow! Neat!
*The ponies (and Megan) follow Hoggle down the corridors lined with talking stones.)
Stone1: This is not the right way!
Stone2: Beware! Doom lies this way!
Stone3: Step AWAY from the car!
Stone4: Take heed and go no further!
Megan: This is like a twisted Easter Island . . .
*A crystal ball rolls by and leaps into the cup of a beggar.*
Beggar: Well, well, what've we here?
Shady: Oh no! What if that beggar turns into the Goblin King and he turns us all into goblins and we all die?
All: Shut up, Shady!
Beggar: AHEM! Well, well, what've we here?
Hoggle: Uh . . . nothing!
*The beggar turns into Jareth in a puff of glitter.*
Jareth: Nothing? Nothing? Nothing?! NOTHING, tra la la??
Megan: What do you think, Little Ponies?
Magic Star: Sounds like a song cue to me!
*The Little Ponies burst into song while Jareth and Hoggle look on, aghast.*
Megan: Don't know which way to walk?
Magic Star: Have you had a nasty shock?
Fizzy: Lost in corridors of ro-ock?
Shady (spoken): We sure are!
Megan: Well, don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Little Ponies: Tra la la!
Shady: Are you stuck in a maze?
Fizzy: Is your brain all in a haze?
Gusty (spoken): Yours always is!
Magic Star: You won't be in there all your days! So . . .
Megan: Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Little Ponies: Tra la la!
Jareth (spoken): I don't believe this.
Gusty: Though all hope may seem lost . . .
Shady: Oh, maybe there's too high a cost!
Fizzy (spoken): Come on, Shady, brighten up!
Magic Star: Doubts and fears must be tossed!
Megan: Yeah! Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Little Ponies: Tra la la!
Jareth: I'm going to go off and be ill now. Hoggle, staying with these . . . creatures . . . is surely punishment enough for anyone. But be warned--if they stop singing and you help them . . .
*Jareth glares and Hoggle cowers.*
Hoggle: Of course, your Majesty!
*The ponies are still singing.*
Fizzy: Oh, the Labyrinth's a scary place!
Shady: Hardly a friendly face!
Gusty: And we have a clock to race!
Magic Star (spoken): That's true, but . . .
All: We won't lose hope! Won't despair! ‘Cause there's a way out--somewhere!
Gusty: Somewhere--tra la la!
Magic Star: Somewhere--tra la la la!
Shady: Somewhere--tra la la!
Fizzy: Somewhere--tra la la la!
All: Somewheeeeeere! Tra la LA!
*The ponies stop singing.*
Magic Star: Hey, where'd the Goblin King go?
Gusty: He didn't even join in the chorus. What a doofus!
Fizzy: Maybe he can't sing!
Gusty: Yeah, and maybe those tights cut off the circulation to his brain! So where do we go now?
Hoggle (still recovering from the song): Uhhhh . . . Well . . . Gee, you sure got his attention! Oh, here we go! This is what we need--a ladder! Um, can you ponies climb ladders?
Magic Star: We can play tennis and play the drums; I don't see why we wouldn't be able to climb a ladder!
Gusty: Hang on a second! Why should we trust you, shorty?
Hoggle: Let me put it this way--what choice have you got?
Gusty: Let me put it this way--I wouldn't want to *accidentally* step on you!
Hoggle: Okay, okay! The truth is, I kind of like you weird little horses--
Fizzy: Ponies.
Hoggle: . . . and your weird little songs! See, you've got to understand my position. I'm a coward, and Jareth scares the pants off of me!
Shady: His pants scare me too!
Megan: His pants scare all of us!
Hoggle: You wouldn't be so brave if you'd ever smelled the Bog of Eternal Stench, y'see!
Fizzy: It just smells bad?
Hoggle: Believe me, that's enough!
Magic Star: Oh, I don't know. I've been in the same room with Gusty's old gym suit; how much worse could it be?
Gusty: HEY!
Hoggle: But the worst thing is that if you put a foot in the Bog of Stench, you'll smell bad for the rest of your life! It won't wash off!
*The ponies and Hoggle climb the ladder and end up in a large hedge maze.*
Hoggle: Ah, here we are, then! You're on your own from now on!
Megan: What?
Hoggle: That's it, I quit!
Magic Star: Wait a minute! Hoggle!
Hoggle: I said I'd take you as far as I could!
Fizzy: But that's cheating!
Hoggle: Now don't try to embarrass me, I've got no pride!
Shady: But what if we get lost without you? What if a mad killer with a cell phone wearing a mask begins stalking us and we all die?
All: Shut up, Shady!
Gusty: Fine, short stuff! I guess we'll just have to tell Jareth how *helpful* you were when we find him! We'll be sure to say how *instrumental* you were in getting us into the castle!
Hoggle (cowering): No! Not that! That's not fair!
Gusty: Tough! That's the way it is!
*The ponies start singing again.*
Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Who said that life was fair?
Magic Star: Anyway, what basis have you to compare?
Magic Star and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!
Fizzy: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Of brains I'm missing half my share!
‘Course, I really don't care, but . . .
Magic Star, Fizzy, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!
Magic Star: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Rich and poor--that's so unfair!
"Do you have some change to spare?"
Fizzy, Magic Star, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!
Shady: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even mice give me a scare!
I would *never* take a dare!
All the ponies: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!
Megan: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even Jar-eth's life's unfair!
Seen the clothes he has to wear?
All: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!
Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is so unfair!
*The ponies stop singing.*
*Suddenly a wiseman with a bird hat appears.*
Wiseman: All this singing has woken me up! What's going on?
Hoggle: Cor!
Megan: Excuse me please, but can you help us?
Wiseman: Oh! A young girl! And a bunch of ponies!
Hat: Whoo whoo whoo!
Wiseman: And who is this?
Magic Star: He's our friend!
Wiseman: Oh. What can I do for you?
Fizzy: We need to get to the castle to find Spike and Baby Lickety-Split!
Shady: Do you know the way?
Wiseman: Ah.
Hat: Ah.
Wiseman: Eh?
Hat: Eh?
Wiseman: Oh yes. You want to get to the castle?
Hat: How's that for brain power, huh?
Gusty: No kidding!
Wiseman: Be quiet!
Hat: Aw, nuts!
Wiseman: So, young woman and equines, the way forward is sometimes the way back!
Hat: Aye! Will you listen to this crap!
Wiseman: Will you please be quiet!
Hat: All right!
Wiseman: Okay?
Hat: Okay.
Wiseman: All right.
Hat: All right. Sorry.
Wiseman: Finished?
Hat: (pause) Yes.
Wiseman: Quite often it seems like we're not getting anywhere, when, in fact . . .
Hat: We are.
Wiseman (glaring at hat): . . . we are!
Gusty: Yeah, well we're not getting anywhere at the moment!
Hat: Ha! Join the club!
*The wiseman starts snoring.*
Hat: Uh, I think that's your lot! Just leave a contribution in the little box!
*The ponies start walking away.*
Hat: HEY! I said to put a contribution in . . .
Gusty: For a couple cryptic words? I don't think so!
Hat: Ahh, stupid ponies!
Hoggle: Why did you say I was your friend?
Gusty: Because it's easier than saying "This is the stupid little cowardly dwarf we're following around for no good reason."
Megan and Magic Star: GUSTY!
Fizzy: We said that because you *are* our friend, Boggle!
Hoggle: The name's *Hoggle!*
Megan: Even if you don't know it!
*Megan starts singing and the ponies join in.*
Megan: There's nothing quite like a frie-en-end!
Magic Star: Yeah! They'll always help you right until the end!
Megan: Though you're depressed and feeling blu-u-ue . . .
Fizzy: A friend is a person who can pull you through!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!
Shady: If you are feeling lost and scare-ar-ared . . .
Fizzy: You need a friend to show you someone cared!
Magic Star: If night-time monsters block your pa-a-ath . . .
Gusty: You need a friend to show those mon-sters some wrath! Yeah!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!
Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!
HEY!
*The ponies finish singing.*
Hoggle: Friend! Huh, I like that! I ain't never been no one's friend before!
*Roaring is heard in the distance.*
Hoggle: Oh! Goodbye!
Magic Star: Wait a minute! Are you our friend or not?
Hoggle: No, Hoggle ain't no one's friend! Hoggle looks after himself, like everyone else! Hoggle is Hoggle's friend!
Fizzy: Hoggle! Wait!
Gusty: You coward!
*More roaring in the distance.*
Gusty: Well, I'm not afraid!
Shady: I am! What if it's a huge lizardy monster that's laid its eggs all over New York? Oh no!
All: Shut up, Shady!
*The ponies and Megan creep up and find a bunch of guards torturing a big hairy animal.*
Megan: If only I had something to throw!
Gusty: Or--I could just do this!
*Gusty concentrates and a great wind rises and sweeps the guards away.*
Fizzy: How did you do that?
Gusty: Um--earth to Fizzy! That's my special unicorn power, remember? Just like your power is making bubbles, Bubblehead!
Fizzy: Oh. Right, I remember that now!
*The monsters howls.*
Magic Star: Now stop that! Is that any way to treat people who are trying to help you?
Monster: Hrrrr . . .
Megan: Do you want us to let you down?
Monster: Ludo . . . down!
Shady: Is your name Ludo?
Ludo: Ludo.
Fizzy: Don't worry, Ludo! I'll get you down, yep yep yep!
*Fizzy runs and unties the rope. Ludo falls and begins moaning.*
Fizzy: Oops! Sorry!
Ludo: Fwiends?
Shady: Uh . . . I guess so. I'm Shady.
Ludo: Shady . . . fwiend!
*Ludo tries to hug Shady, who backs away.*
Shady: AHHHH!!!
Ludo: Fwiends?
Megan: I'm Megan.
Fizzy: I'm Fizzy!
Ludo: Fizzy . . . drop Ludo! Not fwiend!
Magic Star: Oh, Fizzy didn't *mean* to drop you, Ludo! She *is* your friend! So am I! I'm Magic Star!
Gusty: Yeah, yeah, I'm Gusty, pleased to meet you--can we GO now?
Magic Star: Now, wait just a second. Ludo, do you know a way to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth?
Ludo: Umm . . . (long pause) No.
Gusty (sarcastically): Gee, what a shock!
Megan: I wonder if anyone knows . . .
*Elsewhere, Hoggle is walking away from the ponies.*
Hoggle: Get through the Labyrinth? Get through the Labyrinth? One thing's for sure, they'll never get through the Labyrinth! Cor!
*The ponies and Ludo wander through the maze. Suddenly, two doors appear. The knockers are shaped like faces.*
Shady: Where did they come from?
Ludo: Hmm?
Magic Star: Which should we choose out of these two characters?
Knocker1: It's very rude to stare!
Shady: AHHHH!!! They're alive!!!
Gusty: Who asked you anyway, metal mouth?
Knocker1: What?
Knocker2: Hm cmph hr vyu!
Knocker1: Stop talking with your mouth full!
Knocker2: Mm nt tlkg wth my mth fll!
*Megan removes the ring from the mouth of Knocker2.*
Knocker2: Oh, thank you! It's so good to get that thing out!
Fizzy: What were you saying?
Knocker2: Oh, it's no good talking to him, he's deaf as a post!
Knocker1: Mumble, mumble, you're a wonderful conversationalist!
Knocker2: All you do is moan!
Knocker1: No good. Can't hear you.
Megan: Where do these door lead?
Knocker2: Search me! We're just the knockers!
Shady: How do we get through?
Knocker2: Knock and the door will open.
Megan: Oh.
*Megan tries to put the ring back in Knocker2's mouth.*
Knocker2: I won't want that back in my mouth!
Fizzy: But we want to knock!
Knocker1: Doesn't want his knocker back, eh? Can't say I blame him.
Gusty (shrugging): No problem.
*Gusty knocks on the door with her hoof. The door opens and they all go through. Megan still carries the ring.*
*Meanwhile, back in Jareth's throne room . . . Baby Lickety-Split and Spike have been captured and the doors to the throne room have been locked. Baby Lickety-Split is sulking.*
Jareth (looking at Baby Lickety-Split): She's a cute little thing. She's got my eyes.
Baby Lickety-Split (whining): Why does everything have to happen to me?
Goblins: Ha ha ha ha!
*In the meantime, Ludo and the ponies and Megan have wandered into a garden.*
Ludo: Ludo scared!
Gusty: Oh, I *knew* we shouldn't have taken him along!
Magic Star: Gusty! Be nice!
Megan: Oh, give me your hand! Imagine a big thing like you being afraid!
Ludo: Yeah.
Fizzy: See, Ludo? There's nothing to be afraid of!
*Ludo falls through a secret pit behind the ponies. They turn around and see that he's gone.*
Gusty: Hey, where'd the abominable snowman go?
Magic Star: Ludo?
Fizzy: He's gone!
Shady: Oh no! What if little bipedal dinosaurs with big curved claws came and killed him? Oh no!
Megan: Ludo! Ludo! Where are you?
Fizzy: Ludo! Ludo!
Gusty: Well, he's gone. C'mon, let's get going.
Magic Star: Ludo! Ludo!
*From afar, Hoggle has heard the ponies and Megan.*
Hoggle: I'm coming, Little Ponies!
Jareth (appearing out of nowhere): Well, if it isn't you! And where are you going?
Hoggle: Uh, well the ponies gave me the slip, but I hears them now, so I was going to lead them back to the beginning, like you told me.
Jareth: I see. For one moment I thought you were running to help them. But no, not after my warnings. That *would* be stupid.
Hoggle: You bet it would! Me? Help them? After your warnings? Ha ha ha!
Jareth: Oh dear, poor Hoghead.
Hoggle: Hoggle.
Jareth: Yes. I thought I heard singing a while ago.
Hoggle: Uh, yes, singing. It was terrible! I'm sure I'll needs therapy! But first, I'm off to take the ponies back to the beginning of the Labyrinth, just like we planned!
Jareth: Wait, I've got a much better plan. (tossing Hoggle a peach) Give them this.
Hoggle: W-what is it?
Jareth: It's a present.
Hoggle: It won't hurt them, will it?
Jareth: Now, why the concern?
Hoggle: I wouldn't want to hurt the Little Ponies.
Jareth: Come, Hogbrain! I'm surprised at you, losing your head over a girl and a bunch of ponies! Singing ponies, at that!
Hoggle: I ain't lost my head!
Jareth: You don't seriously think that a bunch of colorful ponies could possibly like a repulsive scab like you, do you?
Hoggle: Well, maybe not Gusty, but they others said we was . . .
Jareth: What? Bosom companions? . . . Friends?
Hoggle: They sang a whole song about it!
Jareth: You'll give that to them, Hoggle, or I'll tip you straight into the Bog of Eternal Stench!
Hoggle: Yes. Right.
Jareth: And, Hoggle, if they ever sing a song solely about you, I'll turn you into a prince!
Hoggle: Y-you will?
Jareth: Prince of the land of stench! Ha ha ha! Man, I crack me up!
*Meantime, back with the ponies...*
Megan: Ludo! Ludo!
Gusty: He's GONE! Deal with it!
*The ponies hear noises in the woods.*
Fizzy: What's going on?
Shady: Oh no! What if it's a bunch of starving pumas come to tear us to shreds? Oh no!
All: Shut up, Shady!
*A Firey pops his head up. (Firies look like insane red, furry muppets. Probably because they are.)*
Megan: Who are you?
Magic Star: What do you want?
Firey: Yah!
Firey: Ha ha ha!
Firey: Yahoo!
Firey: We're out to have a good time!
Firey: That's right!
Firey: Yeah!
*The Firey's start singing and jumping around.*
Firey: Don't have no problems!
Firies: No problems!
Firey: Ain't got no suitcase!
Firies: No suitcase!
Firey: Ain't got no clothes to worry about!
Firey: Ain't got no real estate or jewelry or gold mines to hang me up!
I just throw in my hand!
Firies: Throw in my hand!
Firey: We're the chilliest bunch in the land!
Magic Star (whispering to Megan): Maybe they know King Charlatan!
Firey: They don't look much, but they're sure chilly chilly!
They're positively glow glow, huh!
Firies: Chilly down with the wild gang!
Think small with the wild gang!
Bad hep with the wild gang!
Firey: Don't lose your head!
Firies: When your thing gets wild,
Firies: Chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!
Firey (spoken): Hey, I'm a wild child!
Firies: Walk tall with the wild gang!
Firey (spoken): Whoo! Walk tall!
Firies: Good times, bad food!
Firey (spoken): Bleh! Blub blub blub blub!
Firies: When your thing gets wild chilly down, chilly down!
*A firey removes his eyes and rolls them on the ground.*
Firey (spoken): Yeah! Roll 'em!
Firies: Snake eyes!
Fizzy (giggling): Wow, that's great!
Firey: Ha ha ha!
Firey: All right!
Firey: So when things get too rough
Firey: Your skin is dragging on the ground!
Firey: And even down looks up!
Fireys: Down looks up . . .
Firey: Bad luck
Firies (spoken): Ha ha ha!
Firey: We can show you a good time...
Firies: Show you a good time!
Firey: And we don't charge nothin'!
Firies: Nothin' at all!
Firey: Just strut your stuff!
Firey: Wiggle in the middle, yeah!
Firey: Get the town talking, by god!
Firies: Chilly down with the wild gang!
Firey: Think small!
Firies: Think small with the wild gang!
Firey: Bad hep!
Fireys: Bad hep, happy wild gang!
Firey (spoken): Hey, listen up!
Firies: When your thing gets wild, chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!
Firey (spoken): Shake your pretty little head.
Firey (spoken): Tap your pretty little feet.
Firies: Good times, bad food!
Firey (spoken): come on, come on!
*The firies stop singing and start trying to pull the ponies heads off.*
Firey: Hey! Their heads don't come off!
Gusty: Well, no DUH!
Magic Star: Of course they don't!
Firey: She's right.They're stuck on.
Firey: Where you going with a head like that?
Firey: I know what we can do. Take off their heads!
Firey: Yeah, let's take them apart!
Gusty: Let's NOT!
*Gusty kicks the head off a firey. The other ponies follow suit.*
Firey: Hey, lady, that's his head! Hey, that's *my* head.
Firey: That's a friend of mine!
Firey: What are you doing?
*Megan wedges the ring from the knocker into the branchs of a tree and the ponies begin playing basketball with the Firies' heads.*
Firey: Hey!
Firey: Whoa!
Firey: Hey! It's against the rules to throw other people's heads! You're only allowed to throw your own head.
Firey: That's right!
Firey: Where's the referee?
Firey: Now we take your head off!
Shady: Run!
*The ponies all begin running away.*
Firey: Stop them, somebody!
Firey: Come back, little ponies.
Firey: Play the game.
Firey: Who gets to throw your head?
Firey: Hey, you can't quit!
Firey: The game's not over!
Megan: Leave us alone!
Firey: We get a free throw!
Firey: Don't you want us to take your heads off?
*Suddenly a ladder falls over the side of the wall in front of the ponies.*
Magic Star: Hoggle!
Firey: You can look like us!
Gusty: Which part of "leave us alone" do you not understand?
*The ponies begin climbing up the ladder.*
Firey: Take off your heads!
Firey: Get a saw!
Firey: An ear! Take off an ear! You don't need two ears!
Firey: The game's almost over!
Hoggle: Shoo! Go away!
Megan: Hoggle! You've come to help us!
Magic Star: What a noble thing to do!
Shady: You saved us!
Gusty: Yeah--almost makes up for *abandoning* us before.
Fizzy: Hooray for Higgle!
Hoggle: Hoggle!
Megan: *This* deserves a song!
Hoggle: No!
*Music starts up in the background, but everyone falls down a pit before they can start singing.*
All: Aieeeeee!!!
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