Life of the War Hammer

© Nya

Hi, please don't think me rude, but may I ask what are you doing in here?  I didn't think anyone would ever actually  want to come in here.  But who am I to criticize?  Personally, I wouldn't mind the company.  While you're in here, could you kindly set me right side up?  It seems that the prick (he likes to be referred to as a god, but he won't ever hear it from me) who  thinks he owns me has left me in here again.  You would think that as a "god" he would be polite enough not to drop me on my head.  It seems that the idiot never remembers to put me away, or set me on my, "feet", for that matter.

Who is my "owner"?  You're thinking?  His name is Rayden, god of thunder, blah blah blah, I'm sure you've heard it from somewhere.  Yes, it is I, Rayden's famed War Hammer, you'd think I'd have a name, well let's just say that Rayden isn't all that creative.  I blame his parents, but, mysteriously, nobody seems to know who they are . . .

There was a rumor that Shinnok was his father and Shao Kahn was his brother though.  I'd rather not go there if you don't mind.

You might not want to stay in here for too long, it can be damaging to one's mental stability.  Just look at that Shang Tsung character, how long has he been around?  What?  1,000 or older is he?  You'd think he'd get his head out of his ass and hire a personal trainer.  With a little work he might have been able to win that one tournament, no matter now, the fool got himself killed by a monk who turns himself into a dragon . . .

Speaking of that tournament, I think the Elder Gods have really screwed themselves this time, Mortal Kombat?  (All of the 'eons of untold wisdom', and they can't even spell it right, sometimes I wonder about them) They trust their fate to a group of mortals who don't even know who they are.  It's sad really, then again, so is a thunder god who can't remember to put his weapon away . . .

Something interesting happened once; (for a change) Rayden got his ass kicked around by a ninja that could shoot ice out of his hands, (oh I'm sure the ladies love that) I think Sub-Zero was his name.  (If you ask me, 'Sub-Zero' sounds more like a refrigerator brand, than a name) Of course, somewhere along the lines I got frozen, it was a nice change of pace, but a little chilly for me.

Anyway, as always, I got left in the room, frozen and alone.  It was the place with the Elder Gods peeking in, (you know, the one on the left would look much better in green) so they stare at me for a while, then, one of them actually materializes and picks me up.  Okay, seeing as that one, (netherrealm, if I know what their names are) was kind enough to thaw me out, (did I mention that he/she thawed me out?) I allowed him/her to swing me around.  I don't have any other extremities anyway, so what was I going to do?

Because that Elder thawed me out, I was a little, damp.  As it turned out, he/she didn't have a very tight grip, (seems someone didn't read my book, Ten Easy Steps to Using a War Hammer, well that's what he/she/it gets) and I slipped out of his/her hands and went soaring effortlessly across the room.

It turned out ol' sparks-for-brains finally decided to come and get me, just at the instant that butter-fingers (I'm getting tired of he/she) let's me go.  So the first and last thing Rayden catches a glimpse of is a shocked (no pun intended) elder and his beloved war hammer flying towards him full-throttle.  Rayden had this very amusing "oh shit" look on his face.  Just thinking of it, I wish I had had some kind of battle cry worked up.  I'll have to thank him/her/it/whatever; I had wanted to do that for a long time . . .

See I have some issues with him, I'm sure by now you have realized that he has a tendency to leave me lying around.  Well I have a few other complaints and, seeing as you're so eager to listen . . .

Do you have any idea what it is like to be constantly whacked into some warrior you don't even know?  Now normally I don't pay much attention, but have you ever taken a look at some of these people?  (If I could call them that) Catch a glimpse (trust me, that's all you'll need) of Baraka and Mileena, them and those teeth!

Then there's Quan Chi and his spikes; I do not like those things.  I have had bad experiences with those spikes.  We shall leave it at that.

Now usually I don't mind sharp objects, but ever since that incident when Rayden decided to take a casual swing at Shao Kahn's face . . .  have you seen that helmet?  You know the trademark skull, right?  Ever wonder why it's missing a few teeth . . .

Now, I can understand that these are flaws of the personality, hitting me into people, dropping me on my head, having me frozen, electrocuting me, (he does that so much I'm used to it) I think you're getting the idea.  But the one thing I never understood, was the war with him and Shinnok.  (If you ask me, I think it started when Rayden's girlfriend . . .  uh, how old are you?  Forget I said it.) Do you actually think I sat on my ass for all those years?  Wishful thinking on my part.

But do I get any special recognition?  Any words of praise (not that I get them now), any extra respect from the Elder Gods?  (Not even a "thank you".)  No, while there are powerful warriors, even deities, that fear me, I remain "Rayden's War Hammer" . . .

Thank you so much for listening to me, perhaps to found some humor in my, uh, stories.  I know I do.  If you want to get a real good laugh go swipe his hat and tell him the mallet sent you.  Trust me, he has a few good ones of his own . . .

--Finis--

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nya1012@hotmail.com  or  Mish1513@aol.com

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