Disclaimers: Gundam Wing characters and concept are property of their creators. No copyright infringement intended. Original story is property of the author.
Spoilers: Last three episodes of the series, set before the OAV Endless Waltz.
Rating: PG; Drama.
Between the Fire and the Flame
© 2001, Debra Taylor
No one had ever explained how difficult resurrection was. At twelve, not that much younger than their guest, Ciara Malloy believed things would get easier once Zechs Merquise awoke. He'd wake up, recover from his injuries, and they would all live happily ever after. Except. . .it wasn't like that at all.
For one thing, after regaining consciousness and recovering from one fever, Zechs had a relapse only days later. Ciara's mother had said that they probably hadn't been careful enough when they moved him. Ciara's father countered by answering they could have done things differently if they had been on a space station. They had done the best they could under the circumstances.
There was another complication. He felt that he didn't deserve to live. But, at the same time, he didn't really want to die, either. He was caught, as her father would say, between the fire and the flame. What, Ciara wondered, could he have done that was so unforgiveable?
She had seen his blast strike the Earth, after Oz had captured the colony, but there had been a war going on. Her mother had explained to her about war crimes, about how doing terrible things during war was no better than doing terrible things during peacetime, but Ciara still didn't understand. Other people had done terrible things, but Ciara really doubted if they were beating themselves up over it, the way he was.
Besides, even if he had done terrible things, he was sorry for them now, and that was the important thing, right? Daddy had said that Zechs believed the only way to show he was really sorry about what he had done was by dying, an observation that had totally confused Ciara. If you wanted to make up for the things you had done, how could you do that if you were dead?
Ciara was beginning to wonder if she was just stupid, when her father explained that she was right. They just had to make Zechs understand that. It wasn't that he was stupid. He just didn't know anything else, Daddy had explained. Ciara really didn't understand that. How could Zechs NOT know that?
Daddy responded by telling her just as she had learned from him and Mom, Zechs had learned from the people around him while he was growing up. And he had learned very different things than Ciara, so different, that her parents would need Ciara's help in teaching him new things. Teaching him as Ciara had been taught.
That conversation had been a week earlier, and two weeks after his rescue. Ciara shook her head. Three weeks since the battle between the two Gundams, the battle which had ended war. She sat now in the cabin where Zechs had been for the last three weeks, reading a book while he slept. Often, she would remain with him while he was asleep. Mom had told her that she was a little younger than Zechs' own sister, Princess Relena. Ciara wasn't sure she liked the idea of Zechs seeing her as a little sister. After all, she was almost thirteen, almost a young lady!
He moaned in his sleep, but it sounded like he was mumbling nonsense, rather than speaking any names. And he certainly didn't sound like he was having a nightmare. Ciara looked over him, just in case, but he was just shifting on the bed, grimacing in pain. Most of his ribs had been fractured when Epyon had destroyed the power source of the carrier, when it had been blasted back through the ship.
Fractured ribs, internal injuries. . .given what Mom said, about our lack of real medical supplies, it's amazing he did survive. Maybe he doesn't really want to die. . .Mom admitted that a lot of time, a person's will to live is what determines their recovery, Ciara thought, watching the sleeping man intently.
Which didn't answer the question which still haunted Ciara and her parents. How did they break through his wall, the invisible mask he wore to protect himself? After the second fever had broken and Zechs began to recover, he had been quietly grateful to them for their efforts, but there had been a terrible pain in his eyes, pain that had broken Ciara's heart.
He still slept a lot. . .tired easily. Spoke little. Ciara saw the ghost of a smile appear on his face when Mom sat beside him on his bed while she was examining him. His internal injuries were healing, but he remained shirtless so Mom could check on his ribs. Often, while she was checking him over, Mom would gently stroke a lock of pale blond hair back from his eyes, as if he was Ciara's age. The girl would see a tiny smile appear, as if Zechs enjoyed the gentle attention, but didn't want to say anything, for fear of losing it.
The preteen had noticed something else. Zechs seemed different than he had while he was the leader of the White Fang. Quieter. . .and, while Ciara meant it in a complimentary way, softer. The battle-hardened warrior had slipped away, leaving an exhausted, vulnerable young man in his place. That was what Ciara had heard her mother say, and that was as good a way of putting it as any.
Yes, Ciara thought, bobbing her head as she thought about it, he's tired, both in his body and in his heart. He was widely believed to be dead, and he wanted to stay that way. The first, and only, time Mom had mentioned contacting his sister, Zechs had become extremely agitated and begged her not to do so. It's better if my sister believes I'm dead. It's safer that way, he had said.
In the interest of keeping him calm, Mom had agreed, though she didn't like the idea of letting the young princess believe her brother was dead. She had said as much to Daddy, prompting the reply, "And why have you never contacted your family? It's been a long time, Tal. . .don't you think they would want t' know you're alive?"
It had been the first time Ciara heard anything about a family other than the one which Mom and Daddy had created with Ciara. Mom had gone white, and she replied, "That's different. Zechs and Relena only had a brief time together. Whether she'll admit it or not, she needs him. And he needs her."
Mom had stormed out of the room with that, and Ciara had been shaken. While she had witnessed a few arguments between her parents, she had never seen her mother so upset. She had asked her father what her mother had meant, if she had family left somewhere on earth. Daddy had sighed and answered, "I don't know, sweeting. But I do know that your mother ran away from home when she was a teenager, because her little brother had died, and her parents blamed her. At least, she thought her parents had blamed her."
One more thing which she didn't understand. But Ciara was slowly getting used to that. Very. . .slowly. Zechs murmured, "Getting used to what, Miss Ciara?" He opened his eyes to look at the twelve year old, and she blushed. She had no idea how long he had been awake, or even if she had said much out loud. And yet, as she looked down at her hands, then at him, it never occurred to her to lie to him.
"Not understanding things," she admitted honestly. He raised a pale brow, and Ciara explained, "I don't understand why my mother would blame herself for her brother's death, and I don't understand why you don't want to live. I don't understand why you think you have to die to make up for the things you did wrong. Daddy and Mom both say it takes more courage to go on living than it does to die."
"Your parents are very wise," Zechs answered in a soft voice, "and I wish I could explain it to you. I almost killed an entire world, Miss Ciara. After I did that, I don't deserve to live." Ciara rolled her eyes. Please. Now he was being tiresome, a word which her father had used in the past to describe anyone he thought was being foolish.
"That's just plain dumb!" Ciara answered scornfully. She grew annoyed when she saw an amused smile curve his lips. She continued angrily, "Don't you think your sister is sad, thinking that you're dead? And how can you ever make up for what you did wrong if you're dead? Mom and Dad both say you're not stupid, you just don't know anything else, but I think you're being dumb."
"I probably am," Zechs answered, "but I'm not as brave as your mother is. Whatever she did wrong, she probably wanted to die after her brother died. But she didn't. She held on." He paused, his lips quirked, then he added, "Then again, I'm sure your mother never tried to kill an entire world to make a point."
Ciara stamped her foot, exploding, "Would you stop saying that!" Their guest looked startled by her rare display of temper, but Ciara didn't let that stop her. She continued, "I saw the cannon firing at Earth, and it scared me. Mom said it was wrong, she said that you shouldn't have done it. She said that you made a lot of mistakes when you were trying to end war. But you're sorry for it, right? You think it was a mistake? Why isn't it good enough?" And if it's not good enough for you, how can it be good enough for me when I screw up?
"Because a lot of people died, Ciara. On both sides. A lot of people died, a lot of people lost their families, a lot of people lost their homes. Someone has to pay for that. I already have blood on my hands from what I did in Oz. Why shouldn't I be the one to pay? For the death, the destruction, the pain. . .the loss?" Zechs answered quietly.
"Because you didn't cause it all! Mom lost her brother to the Alliance attack against the Sank kingdom. She said it happened when you were just a little boy, that you didn't start the war. You just did what you could to prevent another one from happening. And you did the wrong thing, but if you should die for what you did wrong, then what about me? When I do something wrong?" Ciara asked, near tears.
That had been haunting her the last few weeks, ever since Zechs had awakened the first time. If he had to die for something he had done wrong, if he had to die to atone for his crimes. . .where did that leave her when she did something wrong? Her parents talked about justice, but when they spoke of justice, mercy was part of the conversation.
The preteen was dimly aware that Zechs believed he was beyond mercy, that he deserved no mercy or forgiveness. But her mother had told her once that mercy was like forgiveness, or love. It wasn't a matter of earning it, or deserving it. It was given. Ciara remembered what her father had said, about Zechs not learning the things she had, and she wondered if this was one of those things.
"Ciara, you're only twelve years old, you've grown up in space. Grown up surrounded by love. . .what could you possibly do that would be as terrible as what I did?" Zechs asked. He was starting to tire, but for the first time, she saw a spark of life in his bright blue eyes. Ciara's emotions began to quiet at that spark. While the words sounded patronizing, there was a genuine question in his voice. He was genuinely curious about what she might have done that was so terrible. Curiosity was good. Sparks were good.
"So, no one has ever sinned as you have, Colonel Merquise? Or do you prefer Commander Peacecraft? Either way, your presumption is amazing. . .who do you think you are to presume your sin is worse than anyone else's?" Ciara's mother asked from the doorway. Ciara swung around to face her. . .she had never even heard the cabin door swish open.
* * *
Talia Malloy stood in the doorway, the light from the corridor exposing the red highlights in her dark brown hair. With her hands on her hips and anger flashing in her dark hazel eyes, she looked almost like an avenging angel. Zechs had seen her enter from the corner of his eye as he finished speaking, but obviously, Ciara hadn't known her mother entered the cabin.
Before he could reply, Talia continued, "You fired a blast at a planet. If my recollection of geography is correct, it was an uninhabited area, although I haven't been to earth in fifteen years. You could have done much worse, as we both know. You turned back from destroying Earth, you helped to save it in the end. Do you really think the monsters who destroyed the Sank kingdom ever regretted what they had done?"
Zechs started to answer, but the woman who had taken care of him these last few weeks continued, "I was there when the Alliance over-ran the Sank Kingdom, Prince Milliardo. My little brother died as a direct result of that attack. And after he died in my arms, I saw the king, your father, murdered in front of my eyes. I heard his assassins laughing as your father told him that eventually, they would meet justice. Laughing!"
Prince Milliardo. His father. . .the attack that had destroyed his innocence, destroyed his family, and robbed him of his sister. He looked at the woman, at this avenging angel, and thought once more of Relena. She was better off now, believing he was dead. Heero Yuy and Noin would take care of her. . .Zechs had faith in Lucrezia Noin.
"Did you laugh when you blasted Earth? Did you laugh when Treize Khushrenada challenged you to a duel? When his duel with that Gundam pilot ended the way it did? Did you laugh when you set the collision course with Earth? Or through the whole mess? You're a Peacecraft. . .of course you didn't," Talia answered. She shook her head, murmuring, "I remember your parents, Prince Milliardo. I remember your little sister. And I seriously doubt if the son of the king is a coward."
She was challenging him. He knew she was challenging him, knew she was trying to goad him back to life. She had taken care of him faithfully ever since his rescue. Making sure he ate when he wasn't sleeping, making sure his injuries were healing. She had asked her step-daughter to keep him company, perhaps believing the girl's vivacity would spark something within him.
Zechs knew all this, and knew what she was trying to do now. She was trying to anger him, trying to push him. He wouldn't let her do it. He had almost ruined everything for his precious little sister, he didn't deserve the second chance which this woman had given him. He wouldn't let her save his soul, as she had saved his life.
The woman said now, shaking her head, "It's so much easier, isn't it? Just sitting there, sleeping and watching life, instead of living. So much easier, so much less painful. So cowardly. I never had you figured for a coward. I tease Ciara sometimes about being a star-struck little girl, but the truth was, I was as awed by your abilities as a pilot as she was. Your abilities as a pilot, as someone who could inspire others. Your sister said that Heero Yuy inspired hope. . .but you, you inspire people."
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