Disclaimers:  Farscape concept and characters are property of the production companies, writers, etc who own them by law.  No copyright infringement is intended.  Original story is property of the author.

Spoilers:  "Relativity" (7/6/01)                       Rating:  PG.

Choices

© 2001, Grace Macy

He had warned her not to go, but she hadn't listened.  It had been five years . . . five long years of wondering, imagining . . . trying to picture if their child would have her eyes or his, her fair skin or his softly golden tones.  All she remembered of her was the image of her immediately after birth, wailing with a set of lungs to do any mother proud, a thatch of dark hair on her head that promised to equal her mother's ebony locks.  After that moment, the babe had been taken away, to be raised in the barracks.  For any other mother, it wouldn't -- shouldn't -- have mattered.  But to Xhalax Sun, it did.

Talyn Ker was older than her, more experienced, wiser to the ways of Peacekeeper High Command.  It had been his insistence to keep their affair secret, and she had agreed, trusting in the wisdom her lover had displayed so often before.  She had been drawn to that wisdom, as well as to the light in his blue eyes that promised marvels to which her heart had never been privy.  Wonders she had never thought it would ever know -- let alone return so fully.

She loved him, with all her heart and soul; indeed, it was Talyn who had made her realize she  had a heart and soul.  He saw past the warrior training, saw past the terrible scars one particularly harsh campaign had left her with.  Talyn looked at her and saw beauty.  He saw goodness, and possibilities, and the brightness of the future.  And she loved him all the more for that.  She had wanted a child -- by him and only him.  She had wanted to know that a piece of him, a piece of her, would live on, forever entwined, in a child of their making.

She had told High Command about the identity of the father; it was required, in order for them to be sure the child produced was 'pure'.  They hadn't questioned it, then.  They hadn't seen a problem.  But that was before . . . .

Oh gods, what had she done?!

A moment of happiness . . . a single, shining, blessed and wondrous moment in which she looked into her daughter's face and saw her own eyes, her hair, Talyn's trust and light . . . a moment to tell her what Xhalax knew her child needed to hear, needed to know, a warmth to hold in her precious heart as she grew to be a woman and a soldier . . . .  Just a moment, and she had doomed them all.

Xhalax stood at attention in front of the tribunal and waited for the end.  For her, for Talyn . . . quite possibly even for Aeryn.  Oh gods . . . Aeryn . . . her baby . . . .

What had she done?

"Emotion is weakness," Commander Silan hissed.  "Contemptible, useless -- worse than useless!"

"Yes, sir."

"And yet you allowed yourself to feel for Officer Ker."

She swallowed hard, but answered truthfully.  "Yes, sir."

Silan approached, pale eyes burning with anger.  "Have you any excuse?  Any explanation for this . . . this aberrant behavior?"

How could she explain it?!  How could she excuse it?!  It was love!  It was beyond control!  It was something wonderful, incredible!  Something to celebrated and rejoiced over, not tossed in the midden heap----

"No, sir."

"I see."  Silan strode away from her, exchanging a few low-toned words with his colleagues.  Xhalax stood motionless, heart thundering in her chest, but her face impassive.  Just as they had taught her.  Finally, Silan turned back, and something in his expression made Xhalax suddenly very sure that nothing she had imagined as her punishment would equal the horrors about to be visited.

"You are an officer of note, Xhalax Sun," Silan said softly, almost consideringly.  "Your record is impressive, especially in the Cavshani Campaign."  Xhalax's eyes flickered at the mention of the source of her scarring, but said nothing.  Silan continued.  "Unlike your . . . lover,  you could continue to be of great service to the Peacekeepers.  You  could continue to rise in the ranks . . . if you were to redeem yourself."

Xhalax blinked in surprise.  "Redeem myself, sir?"

"Indeed."  Silan cocked his head.  "Your choice of actions was unfortunate, but it need not be held against you, should you prove your ability to rise above such . . . emotions."  He said the word distastefully.

Xhalax frowned.  To redeem herself . . . to be allowed to live and serve . . . to be allowed that chance to someday, please, someday, be able to even  glimpse her daughter's face again . . . .  "How, sir?"

Silan smiled, coldly, and Xhalax's stomach clenched in foreboding.  "As I said, your lover is not nearly as capable as you.  Indeed, he has not been for quite sometime.  He is aging, and yet he still only holds an Officer's rank.  Oh, he was good, once, but he's lost the taste for what sometimes needs to be done.  He holds back when he should fire at will.  I suspect he's developing . . . morals . . . in his old age."  There was a chorus of soft, derisive chuckles from the other members of the Tribunal.  Silan glanced at them, smiling faintly, and then turned back to Xhalax.  "But you, Officer Sun . . . you have never shown hesitation."

Nervously, not seeing where this was going, Xhalax agreed when Silan seemed to be waiting for a reply.  "I do what I'm ordered, sir."

"Good.  Follow orders this time, Officer Sun, and your record will be clean.  We will have no doubts about your ability to serve competently."  Silan's eyes narrowed slightly.  "If you fail to follow orders this time, however, your ability will be forever in question . . . .  As will any possible ability in the future to be displayed by your offspring."

He let his voice trail away, and Xhalax swallowed as she realized what he meant.  If she failed at this redemption they were about to offer her, Aeryn's life would be forfeit.  If it were simply a question of her performance on a mission, or even shipboard, such drastic action would not even be considered.  But this was not about her performance on a mission. This was about rejecting her training.  If they allowed her actions to go without retribution, then others might follow her lead.  If she failed this test, they would kill her child as a lesson to all other Peacekeepers who had taken a lover for more than one night.

Xhalax swallowed hard, fighting down the terror in her heart, and nodded.  "Yes, sir."

Silan smiled.  "I am glad we understand one another.  Now.  Your redemption. . . ."

"Yes, sir?"

Silan smiled and motioned to one of the guards by the door of the Tribunal chamber.  The guard opened the door, and nodded to someone outside.  As Xhalax turned her head to see what was happening, two helmeted guards entered the chamber, faces invisible through their lowered visors but no doubt impassive.  And between them, with a guard holding tightly to either arm . . . Talyn.

He was dressed in dress-down uniform, simple shirt and slacks, boots . . . no protective gear, not even a jacket.  Xhalax's heart stopped in her chest, and as her eyes met those of her lover across the room, she suddenly knew what she was going to be ordered to do.  And so did Talyn; she could see it in his eyes, in the resignation and complete acceptance in his expression.  There was a calmness there that struck her soul like a thousand rifle pulses.

Silan went to one of the guards and pulled his pulse-pistol from its holster.  He crossed back to Xhalax and extended the weapon towards her, a cold, cruel smile on his face.

"Execute him."

Xhalax's soul screamed in fury and despair, but her face remained expressionless.  She took the gun from Silan's hand with a firm, incredibly normal, "Yes, sir."

Talyn watched her as she approached, his eyes never leaving her face even as the guards forced him down onto his knees.  Her face was expressionless, yes, but Talyn had never simply looked at her face.  He looked in her eyes instead, and she knew that he saw the anguish there.  Just as she knew that he understood what threat must have been made to make her comply with this order.

Their eyes met and locked, as she raised the pistol and aimed for his heart.

Forgive me, her eyes begged.   I have to save Aeryn.  I love you.

Talyn nodded, the faintest of smiles touching his lips.   I know.  I forgive you.  I love you, too.

And then, aloud, he said quietly, "Do what you have to, Officer Sun."

Xhalax pulled the trigger.

There was hardly any sound at all.  A quiet 'chuff' from the pistol, a soft, wet sound as the pulse hit his chest and went straight through the thin shirt.  A faint smell of burned flesh and heart-blood.  Xhalax refused to look away, not for the Tribunal, but for herself.  To remember this sacrifice.  To remember this choice.  To remember Talyn.

She memorized every detail of his face as his expression registered surprise at the moment of impact, then pain, and then . . . then nothing, the light slowly fading from his beautiful eyes, his expression turning blank as death took hold.  And still she looked on, as the guards released his arms and allowed his body to fall to the floor.  The image burned itself into her eyes, into her mind, her soul.  The once-proud, tall form crumpled on the cold floor, eyes still open.  Arms that had held her close at night, now loose at his sides.  Mouth that had smiled gently, comforted her, kissed her, now slowly paling.  Eyes that had shown her the wonders of her own soul, now empty.  Hands that had cupped her face, fingers that had traced her scars with tenderness, forever stilled.

Because of her.

Because of her choice.

Because of her weakness.

Because she hadn't been able to resist that one chance to see their child.

Their beautiful, innocent, so, so fragile, child.

Xhalax Sun stared at her lover's body until the guards removed it, dragging it away like so much refuse.  She nodded in acceptance of the Tribunal's congratulations, their praise and assurances that she would be sure to rise in the ranks now.  She listened and responded appropriately, but she didn't remember any of it.  She didn't hear any of it.  All she heard was the sound of her lover's death.  All she saw were her daughter's eyes.  And all she remembered was one thought, imprinted on her mind and heart with the force of the pulse that had killed her lover.

The Tribunal was right.  Emotion was weakness.  Emotion destroyed everything it touched.  Emotion would destroy her, destroy her daughter, if she allowed it.  So there was only one choice left.  Only one decision that would keep them both safe, from this, from the Tribunal . . . from everything.  No more emotion.

Never again.

end

Author's Note:  When I write pieces like this, it usually comes without any planning or thinking - the words kinda just flow out of me, like the character is the one speaking.  (Other writers will not find this  nearly as weird as some readers.)  After watching this episode, I found that Xhalax Sun had a lot to get off her chest -- and this scene was the main thing.  And please remember that PK Command's actions, etc, are all seen from  her POV; I'm not going to say there isn't a lot more to it.

Anyway, I couldn't help wondering what could have wrought the changes we saw in "Relativity", especially when she was actually face-to-face with Aeryn.  After the scene where she finds the vid-chip, things started to 'fall into place'.  I feel for Xhalax, I really do, especially since we see in Aeryn's actions in "The Way We Weren't" almost an unconscious repetition of her mother's actions.  I hope her character returns, in one way or another, so we can possibly see a development for the mother of what we have seen in the daughter.

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Lorrellai@aol.com

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