Memories of Stephen

9Feb02 Wherever I am,
you are there also.

Ludwig van Beethoven

It is so true that I carry Stephen with me wherever I go. I have since we first met and I will until I once again can hold him and beyond. I really don't know how to not have him with me. I remember thinking about this when the grief therapist from the hospice brought it up by saying "Do you feel guilty for not thinking about him everyday?" and I really felt "What a silly question." Since the day we met I have not had a day that I don't think of him. The hardest part of losing him from the planet was the fear of losing the love that has sustained me and made me grow, become more whole, become stronger. Once I realized that I did not have to lose that love, that it would survive even death, I began to be able to have more of the loving (and introspective) thoughts of Stephen throughout the day as I used to have. Trying to know him, understand him, and trying to show him the respect, love, belief and trust that I felt but that was sometimes so hard to explain. There will never be, I think, a day in my life that does not include Stephen and the ache of missing him but his love lives on and surrounds me, strengthening me for the rest of my life.

14Feb02 at 6:15AM

"here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

written by e.e. cummings

Stephen, I still carry your heart in mine and I will until the day I see you again. It is safe and loved tucked away inside my heart. Still speaking to my heart those things that need no words.

16Feb02

I am so glad you are here;
it helps me to realize how
beautiful my world is.

J.W. von Goethe

This is true of a lot of people in my life including Stephen. All of them help me realize that despite the pain, despite the dark clouds this is a beautiful world. That I can see Stephen in the dawn and smile instead of crying because another day as started without him. He made the world around me more beautiful by his presence and now with friendships I am able to continue to see the beauty and feel his presence in those beautiful moments.

16Feb02 at 9:39PM

I will follow my own path today---the one that responds to my needs. I will also accept the different roads others may choose to follow.
Marriage should be a duet---when one sings, the other claps.

I find the most comfort and peace in following my own path, grieving in my own way. I can not choose the path that others will follow. Nor did I choose the dark places on the path I am on, but I can choose to bring light into the dark, find ways to honor and celebrate love and life instead of focusing on death and pain and when I feel the sadness from the absense of my love I will remember that I never need to feel an absense of his love for it is all around me. In our marriage of the souls it is I who is left to sing and I know that whether the song is sweet or sad as long as it is from the heart that my love is clapping.

21Feb02 at 3:22PM

The hardest part of dealing with all this is to realize that there are MANY things over which we have NO control.

Loving Stephen and losing him made me very aware of the fact that loving him did not solve his problems, he had to learn to love himself (obviously something he had difficulty with). People hurt each other sometimes because they get involved in their own pain, confusion and insecurities and don't realize the effect of their acitons. I know that Stephen and I hurt each other (never intentional) because we didn't look at the effect of our action on the other.

A quote that help me I recieved in an inspirational email "Just because someone doesn't love us the way we want them to doesn't mean that they didn't love us with everything they had" I know Stephen loved me with all he had....I just wish he had been able to love himself even half that amount.

21Feb02 at 6:41PM

There is so many stages and phase of grief. My way of making it through is to promise myself baby steps forward everyday. There are times when I think it's getting easier and days when I know I will always hurt, always feel lost, then I remember that Stephen is with God now and he always tried to look after me, sometimes guiding me gently, sometimes pushing me where he thought I ought to go. I always believed if I got quiet enough inside I could "feel" God's presence and with love and patience (in myself and others)I would know what was right to do... now that Stephen is there I feel that even stronger. That God and Stephen are both watching helping me make the best choices. The hardest part of that is giving up the fear, the uncertainity, the indecision...you would think it would be easy do give them up but it isn't. it is so imprtant to look at it with patience and love though because otherwise your decisions about you can hurt some many others.

21Feb02 at 7:20PM

I will take an inside out approach to living. Improving what is on the inside will improve living on the outside.

Pride makes us do things well--love makes us do things to perfection.

I do try to take this to heart about living inside out. Who I am can be made better everyday, and then I can give to others from an abundance of love and caring, instead of holding back in fear. But the better I need to work on is my own definition, the goals I find important, the relationships I find important. By finding my own place I am strong enough to believe in the love I shared with Stephen, strong enough to survive the loss of the man who made life special and strong enough to have faith in the everlasting nature of that love that it will continue until I finish my journey and reach the distance shore where Stephen awaits...with open arms, a loving heart and free from his pain and inner demons.

23Feb02 at 6:17AM

The mind divides the world into million pieces.
The heart makes it whole.

Stephen and Ondrea Levine

The mind does divide the world, compartmentalizing our lives....work, home, activities, etc......It is the love in our hearts, that we share, that makes us and the world whole again. Having Stephen for four years a part of my world helped to make my world whole again and with his love that continues to hold me with I will learn to walk with his spirit and journey through the rest of my life with a special angel by my side.

Memories: Intro , Musings2, Musings3 , Musings4

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