Here, in these rooms I hide-
away from the harsh and
unaccepting world going by.
Unwanted even are my tries.
Once loved, loving, beloved,
valued, cherished, wanted,
and included in our family-
now cast out- undesirable.
Living an existance of pain,
sharpened by memories
long forgotten, longing now
to forget them once again.
Longing for love, acceptance,
yet fearing, trying to trust, but-
in the end, too afraid to believe
it could possibly be true.
Has brought me to this emptiness
in which I exist only in memories-
those of family, of friends, of others
but not in any of my own.
For my old, believed memories, I saw
were stories made up for us all.
And the new, real ones, are too raw-
and leave me bleeding---slowly--to---death----
© 1/26/98 Kcstars
HOW NOW DO I GO ON?
As I sit here and memories from the past
well up and fill my mind with the ends of
scenes where I only knew the beginnings,
I cry, and scream with this new knowledge!
Dear Lord, almost a third of my perpetrators
were children my age! My heart cries out!
What happened to them? How did they learn
how to hurt, humiliate, and degrade others?
I know the answer is a simple one, but a sin, too.
Someone taught them by example, that's how!
Was it my inability to fight back after years of
conditioning by adults, that made them pick me?
They were my playmates, neighbors on the block!
I trusted them because they were kids, too!
That there resides any trust in me is a miracle,
since no one was really safe at all back then.
My mind is still reeling, their young faces before me!
And my tears falling now, as they couldn't then.
And I come to the realization that in all my childhood,
There wasn't a part of my life untouched by abuse!
How can anything good come from so much pain and
debasement- Dehumanizing, depersonalizing treatment?
The loss of any identity of any kind, so young!
Begs the question- How now do I go on?
© 5/12/99 Kcstars
I feel I have no controls, not even over me!
While I keep hidden - and only deep inside
can I scream, rage, and hurt - all this confusion.
Humiliation and pain that is mine alone to bear!
Emotions so intertwined, enmeshed and twisted
back upon each other! They spiral up and down
and around within - destroying, wreaking their
havoc in my heart, mind, and soul - attacking sanity!
Those of us who live within this body - sharing it
and learning about one another. We try hard to
withstand these assaults, as we keep traveling
this road from the Past's Hell, to the Present Reality.
And as we try to heal the damage we endured at the
hands of others, those who sought out mind and life-
We cling to two outside voices who hear our horrors,
and care, and bravely say, "I believe you!'
For they are our hope of finding our way back to
a life that we will one day want more than death!
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