In 1992, after being depressed from chronic pain from a work accident, and inability to get my muscles functioning like before, I saw a psychiatrist, who helped with the depression. After seeing her and a pain therapist (who did hypnosis to control pain) for about 4 months, they both met with me and said they felt I had multiple personality disorder. This blew my mind! How could I have this, and have held a responsible job as a head nurse in a psychiatric hospital for 20 years? It seemed inconceivable to me that it could be true! Sure, I was forgetful, lost time, and sometimes was told I said or did things that I couldn't remember! But that was just stress! Between a very active unit, and two small boys at home, I felt it was all stress related.

However, they felt with the history of molestation I had remembered, that it was likely I had been abused even more and had buried the memories. They felt they couldn't help me enough if I were multiple, because they had no experience in that area. So, over the next month, it was arranged that I would be hospitalized for the active suicidal ideas I had been having, and meet my new psychiatrist. I was terrified, and contemplating suicide all the way to the hospital. I was admitted, and lost the first two days of the hospitalization, because they put me on suicide precautions (which meant wearing only hospital pajamas and robe) and couldn't cope with the next to naked feelings I had. The first part of the hospitalization I remember was taking my things from storage to my bedroom. Over the next few hours, my anxiety levels went sky high! All my family was an hour's drive away, and I felt alone and abandoned.

My new psychiatrist finally got to talk to me around 4:00 PM, and the first thing out of her mouth was,"Yes, you are definitely mpd. While in that meeting, I saw you switch at least 17 times in 3 hours. There's not a doubt in my mind." It was mind-boggling!  I had changed clothes at least 3 times, paced the hallway like someone being driven by some inner demon, and my facial expressions we a "dead give away," whatever that meant.

She then went on to tell me more about mpd, how it starts, and keeps going, and what can be done to help. I felt a little better when she was done, but the next thing I knew, I was in a world of chaos and confusion that was more intense than anything I had ever known before! Suddenly, I was a back seat driver, aware of someone else in the driver's seat of this body! I could see what they saw, hear what they said, but couldn't control anything!!! Then there were times when I suddenly "woke up," to find I had been playing cards, talking, or whatever, but it wasn't me! My doctor explained to me that all this time before, it was necessary for all insiders to be a secret, to protect me. But now that someone said they were there, and it was ok, they could come out openly, and they did! We had months of this kind of switching! But only around "safe" people! They knew who it was safe to come out around!  Most of it occurred at home and caused so much chaos in our little family it was insane.  No one knew what was going on.  I couldn't explain in words they could understand and accept.  MPD/DID just didn't exist in their minds.  I was just "acting crazy." 

That was in 1992. We spent a few years with random switching, lost time, forgetting, and everything that goes with a very disorganized group, that gradually decreased in severity. Four psychiatrists and four therapists and 14 years later, we are finally much more organized, and are to function cooperatively. We advocate shopping for psychiatrists and therapists, even though it is frightening, and upsetting. We had one therapist try to exorcise an alter, because it presented like a "demon." We had a therapist and a psychiatrist who became overly involved, and "adopted" us as one of their extended family. This really presented problems in therapy, because there were no boundaries, just like when we were a child being abused. There was also a degree of counter-transference, that didn't help. Losing the security of a familiar doctor, and our therapist 6 months later, made us suicidal for quite a while, but the struggle was worth coming through.  We also had a doctor who didn't believe in mpd/did, and agreed to treat our depression and anxiety until we could find another psychiatrist.  Finding qualified help can be a daunting, if not impossible task. 

We are more aware of boundaries, etc., now. And we are more protective of our personal boundaries. It is also essential to keep these personal boundaries with everyone you meet and even your friends, not just the professionals in your lives.  Yes, you remove some boundaries in therapy, but not those of personal space and such.  We had one therapist who was physically inappropriate with one of our child alters.  These things can and do happen, although rarely. 

We have told only a few people of our multiplicity, those who might be of necessary help if we were to be triggered badly and find ourselves with a child suddenly hosting.  We are no longer triggered as easily, or as badly, as we once were. 

With processing of memories, we have been able to put those memories into the past where they belong, and they no longer haunt us as they once did.  This gives us a freedom we didn't have years ago.  It truly does get better, if you work on it.  Someone once said, "If you aren't hurting, you aren't working."  In the early and middle years, this is true.  In the later years the hurting is lessened.  Now we are working on self esteem, shame, guilt and those kinds of issues, again.  We truly want to feel like we belong in the same places as other people, and deserve the same treatment.  We know we do, but we don't feel it. 

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Our Journal 

Some of Our Childhood Abuse 

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Our Poetry 2 

Our Insiders' Poetry 

Our Inner Children's Poetry 


A Little More About Us 

Our Emotions Growing Up and Now




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