We had no self-esteem, no feelings of self-worth, except as a sex toy for these men. This affected who we chose for both of our marriages, and who we entered long term living arrangements with. We have finally learned to recognized sexual abusers- to a degree. We have had to look at people differently as well. We tend to personalize things and are very quick to assume if something went wrong, it was our fault. This is how thorough their brainwashing was. At almost 57, we still are fighting the things they taught us as children. We now have over 30 alters that we know of.

Our life is a living testimony to the love of God. While He gave man free will, He saved our lives so that we could tell others our story. The only way this tragic abuse of children will stop, is when there are no more "secrets"!

Growing up there were many times that I got into to trouble or when I did things, and not knowing why I did things often got me into more trouble. I was labeled as a liar by my parents, but I was not lying. I really didn't know because I was somewhere deep inside myself and another part of me was the one doing things. It was a case of being punished for things unfairly, in my mind then, because I couldn't remember doing them. I felt a lot of resentment toward parental and authority figures, because of these incidents.

We have many people inside us, children, teens, and adults. Most of them occurred when we were hurt and needed relief from the hurt. Our brain sent a different person out to deal with the situation. This is not something we consciously did, but almost a reflex kind of action to terrible situations. We did not know about each other until the body was 42 years old! That's a long time to keep such a big secret! But our mind had to be sure we could handle the surprising and scarey thought that we were not alone in our head. We have had to learn when each other personality was formed, for what purpose, and how to help each one best.

Things that helped to cause so many insiders, (we have over 30) besides the terrible pain and hurting, were: 1)That there were so many times of so many different kinds of abuses and abusers, 2)Some of the abusers were family members, family friends, policemen, and family familiars. We couldn't figure out who to trust. When we tried to tell family that weren't involved, they called us liars. Who do you turn to then? Especially as a small child? 3)There was nowhere to go to be safe from them or hide. We lived in an area where everyone kept an eye on the neighborhood kids, and would let parents know when any of us did something we weren't allowed to.

From the time we were an infant, they hammered things into us, brainwashing us until we believed whatever they said. It was used to scare us then, it did work throughout our teens and into adulthood, and it makes the remembering frightening and threatening.

All through school, I tried to be the best behaved student, because any note sent home meant I would be beaten. We used to get these toys that had a rubber ball attached to a rubber band on a paddle. My mother used to save the paddles when the balls came off, and used them to "spank" me. I was so scared of getting into trouble at school, that kids used to call me "teacher's pet" and "brownnose". I clearly didn't have many friends. And the one or two I did have, I was very careful not to let them into my house. I didn't want anyone to see what went on there.

For a long time my mother and I lived with other relatives, always an extended family situation. I always felt like we were the outsiders, and that stuff got dumped on me because of that. One of my cousins, just recently verified that it did happen. I used to get punished for talking "funny"- when an alter had just been out. There was so much slipping in and out, that often I didn't finish what I was told to do. That was another set of punishments!

There are huge gaps in my memory. I lost all memories of grades 2,3, and 3/4 of grade 4. I remember only bits and pieces of 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. My memory for grades 9 through 12 is a bit more detailed, but there are still gaps. I spent 3 years in nursing school, in which several of us went to classes to be a nurse. I never could figure out in a crisis situation, just where the needed information came from, I was just grateful for it being there.

I told you all of this, in the first person singular, because it is easier to assimilate this way. I put all this on paper, with the hopes that someone reading it might see themselves in it, and get help, multiple or not.

I told all this to point out similarities of abusers.

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Some of Our Childhood Abuse 

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Our Insiders' Poetry 

Our Inner Children's Poetry 


A Little More About Us 

Our Emotions Growing Up and Now




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