If I Could
If I could take a minute
out of each and every day.
To hold my child
close to my heart and kiss her fears away.
I could take a minute out of each and every
To play with blocks and peek-a-boo, tag
or hide and seek.
could take a minute of any span of time.
never waste a second of the pleasures that were
If she could crawl upon my knee and lay
her sleepy head,
upon my shoulder tenderly
and dream of gingerbread.
spend my time in total bliss and watch my small
from babyhood to childhood,
knowing all there is to know.
If I could stop
my aching heart and put my mind asleep,
could stop the flow of tears that are always on
need a minute, Lord, I know she's safe with
But there's something real important
that I had no time to do.
If you could do it
for me, Lord here's a message she should
Tell her that I Love her, then I'll let
Do not copy with out
After many months of trying to fall
pregnant after a miscarriage we were thrilled to learn
we were expecting a new baby. This baby was due 22nd
February one day after Granddad's sixtieth birthday. The
whole family was excited to be getting a new
At about 7 weeks I
became very sick and was admitted to hospital 4 times
for dehydration caused by severe morning sickness. At
about 20 weeks the sickness left and I started to really
enjoy being pregnant. The next 10 weeks went by
At 30 weeks I
felt the baby had hardly moved that day and I was
worried, my family kept telling me that I was over
reacting and that it meant she was a girl because boy's
move more than girl's (My previous pregnancy was a boy,
now 8) I think my mothering instinct was telling me
something was wrong because I insisted in going to
hospital. When we got there Grace's heartbeat showed her
to be in severe stress, so arrangements were made to
transfer me to a larger hospital, (three hours from our
home). We were airlifted and on arrival they did the
scan and knew if she was to have a chance she needed to
be born now. They told us at the scan that something was
very wrong with the baby and had been for awhile, they
doubted that the baby would live through delivery. When
Grace was born she gave a cry and that is the sweetest
sound I've ever heard.
everyone and was showing excellent stats, so she didn't
require ventilation or anything. She was very small
weighing in at 1 pound 13 and a half ounces.
Neonatologists continued to reassure us that she was
going really well, her stats stayed great for the first
30 hours and my family, son, husband and myself all
spent time with her.
Then on my first visit the
next morning we were told that she'd been naughty and
her stats were dropping. The head of neonatology came to
see her and still encouraged us with comments that she's
a girl and premature girl's are stronger than premature
boys. He told us she'd make it.
I went back to my room
to wait on a test result for her, when not long after
I'd been back the doctor burst in the door. You just
know what they are going to say, don't you? She had
started to bleed from her lungs. We raced to N.I.C.U and
I was praying that she still be with us when we arrived,
she was. The next part of her story is hard to tell as
it is an unimagined horror to watch your child struggle
and die. The mother in you wants to hit or punch every
one away from them, but the other bit knows that you
have to let them do all they can.
babies don't survive pulmonary haemorrhage, so 32 and a
half hours after she was born she went to sleep in my
arms. It is so unfair, all those dreams and hopes. Birth
and death should NEVER go hand in
Life since then is not the same, in some
ways it has changed for the better, we have learnt to
appreciate every moment in life, and the people we love.
In other ways I forever miss the extra little person who
should be with me. I know many times during my grief
journey I thought I would never make it without my
little girl, I am still standing and am very proud of
that fact alone.
On the airplane I had
decided that if she made it I would name her Grace,
because I thought it would be by God's grace if she made
it, I really felt that he hadn't kept his part of the
deal and that that had made her name a bitter irony. I
can say it was by God's grace that I got to hold her and
have her in my life even if it was not as long as I'd
like. I am so fortunate to have heard her cry and to see
her kick her legs and stick her tongue out at us. I miss
her every minute of every day and I can't wait for that
day when we meet in God's home. Until then I will
picture her sliding on moonbeams and playing with the
stars . My forever baby
We have since discovered that Grace was born
early due to an antiphospholipid antibody I have. This
is also the reason for our first baby Zachary's small
weight and early birth. If you've had unexplained
miscarriages or pregnancy loss please be tested for this
antibody and visit the INCIID site on my links page. I
would love to talk to anyone else with the same problem,
so please e-mail me.
I run a yahoo email
group called Stillgrieving for support for parents
whose child has
died, visit the link below for more information
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Grace's Mummy and Daddy-updated 1st January 2003