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"Hello Tigger", said Pooh, "Here's something funny my sister gave me from a Newspaper called the Vancouver Sun. I hope you think it's funny, Tigger, cos it's much two corrugated for a silly old Bear like me."
"The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro- English ("Euro" for short).
In the 1st year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards will have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the 2nd year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, se unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru !
[Originally published in the "Vancouver Sun" on 7th June 1997 - re-printed with thanks.]
See the following LINKS - - - -"ABOUT RED KITES IN BRITAIN" - also - Scotland On-Line with its galleries of free Greeting Pics, and also the quarterly magazine "This England".
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