My nightmare began on Nov. 28, 1978. I was on my way to town and a
drunk driver pulled out in from of me. I was in a voltswagon.
Both cars were totaled. A friend of mine was with me she received
three stiches under her chin. I took most of the impact. Little did I know
my life was about to change forever....
In the first few months of January I was still in a lot of pain so
I went to a neurosurgeon. He ran a milogram..the result was a
bad whiplash. In May of that year I went off to college. I was still in so
much pain, although everyone said that I would, "Get over it".
I just knew that something was eating away at my muscles.
I got married in 1980 and moved many miles from home. I saw three doctors
in the new town where I was living. The first one told me to go home and
take a hot shower. The second one said I needed surgery on my elbow.
The third one kept shooting me with cortizone. All of these doctors were
Being told over and over that you are imaging all these aches and pains,
I begin to wonder myself. Maybe something was wrong mentally. So I
went to a few psychairtrist over the next couple of years to no avail.
My marriage did not last. I didn't know if I was going crazy or just didn't
love him . Unfortunely I had fallen out of love. I moved back home and
finished college. I went to an orthopedic surgeon in my home town, the same
one I went to after the wreck. He said I had "Fibrositis" and would have
to be treated with elevil periodically throughout my life. I stayed on the
medication maybe 6 or 8 months. I gained a lot of weight and cried all the time.
My sleep pattern improved but the pain was still very much a part of my life.
This was probaly one of the worse years of my life. On top of the pain I had
endometreosis, which all these years later some researchers believe is
connected to Fibromyalgia. Doctors doubted me. Family didn't believe my pain
was real. In time they would understand although at this point I think they
thought I was nuts....and at times I did too.
I moved to Houston in 1987. I went to work for a dental chain. The amount of
responsibility and stress were enormous. It's sad but true..I lived on Vicodin.
The circle of pain, pills and depression began. I couldn't afford to quit. I was
single and had bills to pay. I went to approximately twelve doctors from
1987 to 1990. Out of all those doctors only ten percent diagnosed me correctly.
Forty percent wanted me to see a phychaitrist and the other fifty
percent did not believe Fibromyalgia was a word in the medical dictionary.
In 1990 I finally met someone. His name is Don. We met in March and married
in July. A very short romance. In September I went to another neurosurgeon.
He wanted to do surgery. (Now, in 2000 they say there is a "New Surgery")
The doctor said that there was a nerve flattening my spinal cord and all the
arthritis that had built up needed to be cut out so that the nerve could be
lifted off my spinal cord. I let him do it. If I had it to do over I would have done
things a little different, but I was searching for answers and I thought just
maybe the surgery would help. Wrong!! Fibromyalgia is Fibromyalgia and
nothing you do can completly take your pain away...
I kept working until 1996, that's when the pain went to my lower back and feet.
I came home everyday in tears the pain was so bad. Between 1991 and 1996
I changed jobs seven times. I kept thinking the next one would be better....
but it wasn't the job, it was me. I thought that the stress was bringing on
more pain. This was not the case...not this time. The pain had traveled to
other areas and was there to stay. I could barely get myself up and dressed.
That inevitable day finally came when I had to give up my career. I didn't
want to but I had no choice in the matter. At 36 years old I could no
longer stand up or sit in one position for longer than 5 minutes.
I was still young, I had my whole life ahead of me.
This is the year I started to heal within. I found a doctor that started giving me
injections of metotrexate and a combination of three steroid shots. He got me
out of bed, but it didn't last. The pain was back the next day after the shots.
It was a quick fix.
I found myself in his office on a Friday night. I was an emotional wreck.
He wanted to admit me. I told him I would go home, get some clothes and
meet him at the hospital. On the way home I thought to myself,
"What am I doing"? I have been admitted so many times for the same thing.
Why go in the hospital then get out and still hurt? I was at the end of my
rope, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I did what I had done so many times
before..I prayed. When you get to this point if you don't pray, you
committ sucide. I wished I had a nickel for everytime I have thought of
sucide in the years passed. Only you people with Fibromyalgia know
what I mean by that. I'm sure there are a lot of you reading this that are
saying. "That is so stupid". I have one thing to say to you. Don't even go
there until you have walked in my shoes.
When I got home my husband was waiting at the door, the doctor had
called him. I stood there in my driveway and I felt something was different,
but I didn't know what. He was ready to take me to the hospital. After
convincing him that I was fine and did not want to go...we went to bed.
The next morning I sit on the side of the bed trying to "thaw" my feet out
as I called it before putting them on the floor and trying to walk. I finally
got up and went into the bathroom. I felt different as I walked. When
I went into the kitchen that's when I realized what had happened the previous
night. The Lord had filled me with so much positive energy that I didn't know
what hit me. From that day on I have been as positive as one could be who
endures this much pain. I still have days that there's not a single place in
my body that doesn't hurt. When I finally realized, all these years later that
no doctor, pill , cream or vibrator can help me...that's when I started to heal.
I always thought there was "something" or "someone" who could take away my pain.
Like I said my pain is not gone, but I don't have to deal with it everyday....
The Lord does.
|I am battleing a disease that is beyond my control. It has affected my career,
my family, friends, and my day day to life. Although I don't have many friends
because they don't understand when I have to cancel plans due to pain.
I live my hopes and dreams today, because I don't know what tomorrow
will bring. There was a time in my life that I didn't have the strenght to hope.....
now my hope is placed with God. When the pain is so bad I know it's
ok to cry .....but I know that I don't cry alone.
Fibromyalgia can and will destroy your mind and your life...
but only if you let it.
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