Howdy-do Thar! Mah name is Bessie an me an mi best frind, Loretta, well we wuz abduckted by aliens. The storee goes like this harr...We wuz sittin out on arr Kouch by arr outhouse wun nite. We wuz jest sittin thar uh sippin sum o Grandadee's moonshine an uh smokin sum tobakkey thet Dadee groes out thar in the kornfeeld. Alla suddn we seen a brit lite. I sed ta Loretta, I sed, "Whut ya spose it iz Loretta?" Loretta sed,"Bessie I thank it mite be a UFO. Shore nuff that thar thang landed rite smack in frunt o us and afore we cud put down the jug o shine, them kritters dun snatched us up in thar ship and wuz a kartin us off ta du sum strange expeereymints on us. Wall, me an Loretta wuz skeered stiff. Them kritterz dun proseedid te probe and poke alla partz uv arr poor ole bodees. They dun kep us on that muthership fer three dang daz. Well they dun brung us bak ta da outhouse, but thangs ain't neer bin the same sense.

We dun reelized a few weeks later thet we had been impregeynated by them kritters. We ain't neer figgered out how they dun it cuz we didn't see no privet partz er nuttin. Wull now we haz 1/2 alien offspring thet iz uh drivin me and Loretta plum crazee. We dun sint em ta skool ta git em outta arr harr. Then wun day tha teecher and prinsipel kalled us in fer a konferinse te diskuss thar pekuliyer behavyer. I sed ta Loretta, I sed, "Loretta jest keep yer mouth shut an let me du alla da talkin." Loretta bein the honist persin thet she iz, wudda spilt her dang gutz all over da plase. So I startz ta esplane the sitsheashun wen alla de suddn Loretta jest bust out wit da truth. She dun spilt her gutz alla over da plase. I sed to Loretta, I sed, "Ya dun did it now!" Inna lickity split, cuss it all ta tarnation, them peeples wuz on da telefone kallin sum peeples ta come and snatch Loretta up an take her ta Centrul State. Thatz a great big menteel hospiteel harr in Kentuckey. Poor ole Loretta wuz jest tellin the truth. On visitz ta her evir dang day, I had ta take her sigerettes and Littl Debbee Snak Cakes cuz thay din't haf nuttin like that thar. I toad Loretta, I sed "Loretta, jest tak it all bak. Tell em it wuz jest a bad dreem or sumthin like that." Loretta sed, bein the true an honist persin thet she iz, "It'z too late late Bessie, I dun toad the storee ta ever dang persin thet tolked ta me." Well, it wuz too late cuz them docktirs proseedid te fry her poor ole branes out wit elektro shok treetmints. Well, theyz finelly lettin Loretta outta thet plase, but she jest ain't tha same. Thet's wut happins wen them aliens come ta git ya. Wez still waitin fer them ta come bak an git theze varmit Yungins thet they dun spawned.

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