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February 29, 2004

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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

I am feeling so stressed out... and I don't have my Trixie to talk with anymore... and everytime I sit down to write her a letter I don't know where to start. I can't tell my family about how I feel - they only use it as an opportunity to try and get me to return to the South. So I just try and act like everything's fine.

Everyone kind of freaks out if I show any sign of problems though... so I hold it all inside. Then, when I haven't expressed any emotion and they can't get me to laugh when they tickle me, they know I've got to release it or else. So then they start pressuring me to talk about my feelings and I say no, I shouldn't..... and then they keep saying that I should... and finally I give in... and then it all comes exploding out and they get unhappy with me and say I shouldn't unload on them... and I feel like ripping out my hair and screaming "I told you I shouldn't!!!"

So that's one of the most recent events. Yesterday began with the apartment manager showed up at the door to have what felt like "the final word" with me about our rent balance. She explained that it would be to our advantage to move out rather than begin eviction proceedings. Within minutes her words had my head spinning, and I nearly cried with relief when Mechanic appeared at my side to reassure her - and me - that everything would be cleared up shortly.

For the last 48 to 72 hours, Herne and I have spent a great deal of time in each other's company. He seems to think I'm interesting or something. He seems to know exactly how to make me blush, which he unashamedly enjoys. He has interesting insights because of the unique mixture of his experiences and lessons he has learned, that he has been able to translate into language that I can understand.

In fact, it seems that we communicate on some very interesting levels. He understands things that not many ever have before, and that is not to downplay the incredible connections I have made with important people in my life, such as Mechanic and Wisdom. Its just that Herne's life has led him in different directions. For example, Herne is the absolutely one and only person I have ever met in my life whose data processing speed is higher than mine. He has worked in offices and dealt with many things that I've struggled with, and because he has been there and done that, he can offer me ideas that no one else ever has before.

I love sitting down with artists to discuss art, especially hearing their ideas and opinions about my work. I think that having grown our friendship has let Herne see more into my work - or perhaps he just didn't share as much with me before as he does now - but he has again been the one and only person in the world to look at a few certain drawings I've done and immediately identified first thing what I was trying to draw, and what I was trying to say in some of my drawings. He goes beyond that, though, and shows me things that I never before saw. Is it possible for him to know me in some ways better than myself?

Yet, I would ask the same thing about Mechanic and Wisdom, too. Hmm.... food for thought.

More food for thought: if Herne can see so clearly into me, what about his connection with Mechanic? Does he see things about Mechanic that I never will? Or perhaps just different things than I see? Or is the apparent difference due to a more humanistic failing, that his connection with me is not the same level or type that he shares with Mechanic? I could accept that if it were true, but how can I know? More food for thought.

All of these things are wonderful and good. They make life worth living, in a way. However, in order to enjoy the things that make life worth living, you have to live. That is where I'm concerned. I have not had any nibbles on my resumes. Next week I try to work temps. However it will take two weeks for any paychecks to start rolling in, if I get hired right away and if I work steadily every single day.

Dear gods and goddesses... what has happened to my life? Well, I know what happened... I think. It didn't happen overnight and it won't be corrected overnight, but I'm hoping we can pull off a small miracle here and keep the whole ship from sinking overnight. This is the scariest of times for me... and yet others don't act or seem scared at all, which in turn makes me question why I feel this way. Perhaps I am over-reacting? I know some who would say yes to that. Or is it that others don't think that this could really happen until the very moment that it IS the reality?

Wouldn't that be like living the ostrich's life, with his head buried in the sand? How useful is that?

I have never before been so behind on rent and utilities and everything... I have never before been at this level of hopelessness about my ability to work, and such a level of worry about my living situation. While I am taking steps everyday to become stronger and trying to do the things that will lead to a more independent me, the fact remains that our group is interdependent and we need each other. If it were not for the contributions that each one of us makes, our lives would be that much less stable and we'd go to bed that much more hungry.

Amazingly, even Herne and Eddy, who have not been in our lives that long, have contributed in different ways to our survival. I am happy and thankful for all the help - big, medium, small and more - that we have received. I know that I cannot do anything that will force anyone to act differently - other than me. I can try to do more, I can aim for an increase in the kinds of things I am able to do... and perhaps prove to myself that I could do more than I ever knew possible.

Now who could have possibly been influencing me to feel that way about myself? Hmmm...

*Paisley Blue looks out at Wisdom and Herne and Mechanic.....*

~Paisley Blue

She still looks out defiantly past her oppressors.
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