Welcome to Paisley's Journal A time of new beginnings.

February 15, 2004


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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

Big day, big decisions, big actions. After much thought and contemplation, I decided that I had to stop the pain from digging any deeper. As much as I long for a relationship with someone special, I cannot compromise what is important to me... I will not let old, painful patterns continue.

While it takes two to tango, its also possible for one to just drag the other around on the dance floor. That's not really dancing, either.

This evening, I broke up with Magickstar.

For the first time in my life, I was the one to take a stand and put an end to the negative spiral. While I am glad for all the support and emotional backup I had - more than I've ever had before during such painful time - in the end it was a path I had to walk by myself. I ran through all the possibilities in my mind, but when it came down to the final moment, it was me who had to say what had to be said, to do what had to be done, and live with the consequences.

Before reaching that point, though, I had spent a lot of time thinking. I had identified the spiral... and it was shocking and sad the moment I did. It's like I did not want to believe it, at first. Now, as I'm dealing with it, I feel that it's no use trying to say that anything was any particular person's fault. Unless, of course, I am identifying the things I could have done better. It is a time of saying, "How much longer will I allow myself to be treated this way... talked to in this manner... treated as though my feelings were not important?" I have allowed that pattern to continue much longer in past relationships. Seeing it for what it was this early in the game was a big achievement for me.

Ending this relationship is certainly not something I did lightly. However, I know it was the right thing to do. Of course, for a while my mind continued to play out the course of the relationship, over and over, to see if anything could have been different. When I examined my actions, though, I decided that I had done my best to communicate my needs as well as try and meet his. I had been myself. I had not asked for anything out of the ordinary.

Magickstar still holds a place in my heart, even though the length of time he blazed in my sky was brief. I learned important things about life and myself and how much I've grown. It also allowed me to take a step forward in certain things... and while it would have been nice to take steps forward with him, I can accept how things turned out. I am happy that I had the opportunity to touch his spirit and that I experienced his spirit touching mine. He had his own ways of looking at the world and a beauty inside him that were unique, adding to the tapestry of my experiences in life. I hope that he found value in our time together, too. I accept that I may never know. I just wish him goodness, light, growth, and joy in the future.

Do not think that I have just glibly moved on, though. There has been pain, heartache, and doubt. With the help of those close to me, though, I was able to get my feelings out in the open, talk about them, find peace, and allow myself to move forward. I don't believe this will be over quickly, but I know I feel better about myself for being strong and doing what was right for me.

~Paisley Blue

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