Welcome to Paisley's Journal A time of new beginnings.

February 14, 2004


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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

Happy Valentine's Day.

In the last few days things around the house have been rather chaotic. However, that is what is happening and while we are in this transitory state of change, I am staying put and working through everything. I have optimism and hope that things will improve for our family.

My relationship with Magickstar started to show some signs that were not comforting, though. I would say that the breakdown of communication was the vital factor. When I tried to talk with him at different times, I was turned away. I do not want to go into any great detail - that would be pointless and hurtful Let's just say that finally I was getting more and more frustrated in my efforts to reach him. Then he completely disappeared for days.

This evening he showed up with no advance word. Some people were placing bets that he would not show up, and if he did, that he wouldn't have as much as a bag of candy... well, that part was true. While it would have been a pleasant surprise, at this point, it really would have been a surprise. Our communication problem had deteriorated so badly that while we spent less than an hour together today, it was apparently enough time for things to (sadly) go over the line.

I've been trying and trying to think of a way to put my feelings into words. Basically, I have realized that I am worth certain considerations. I willingly and generously 'give' - but I also need to 'receive.' If someone is with me, then I want them to want to be with me. Don't use me to be with someone else. Don't use me to get things. Don't use me. Be with me.

The coincidence of today's events on this particular holiday was not lost on me or those around me. In fact, it's the first Valentine's Day in a long, long time when I've even had a boyfriend. Too bad it hurt so much. Mechanic and Wisdom were quite comforting with words of encouragement.

This relationship has caused me to spend a lot of time looking inward, examining my heart and my direction. I've learned so many new things about myself, and that is one of them... that I have certain expectations and standards about how I will be treated, and about how I give myself to others. Other realizations are not necessarily new, but fresh reminders of how important certain things are to me, and how meaningless other things are. It's good to have this perspective.

So Happy Valentine's Day... to me!

~Paisley Blue

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