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January 8, 2003

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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

A lot has happened in such a small amount of time. So much for a non-chaotic year.

The man I met on New Year's Eve has continued to ask about me, and last night at Mechanic's karaoke show he was there... with a box of chocolate-covered blueberries for me, and a stack of CD's for me to listen to so I can learn what kind of music he likes. I was polite and accepted graciously. Still, I cannot pursue a relationship with him.

I have continued to be disappointed with Blue's behavior. Now he is in a habit of calling Mechanic 20-40 times a day, to the point where Mechanic gets upset just at the mention of this guy's name. When he calls and I answer the phone, he just hangs up. I even hate answering the phone now.

At the show last night I had the opportunity to sing several times. It was wonderful. I tried out some new material, including "We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger. One of the patrons loved it so much he bought me a cocktail. Opera and I both submitted the same song - "Crazy" by Patsy Cline - and I was the lucky one who got to sing it. And I also got to belt out "Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin. When our singing bartender did "Time Warp" I got up with a group of others and they followed my lead in doing the dance. One of our friends put in our names for "Jesse James" by Cher. She danced and I sang. It was all soooo much fun.

My blood sugar was starting to run a bit high again. It was due, I believe, to a combination between poor diet and forgetting my nighttime insulin a couple times in the last few days. Today I started the morning with pastries and chocolate milk for breakfast, then ate a fairly high-carb sugary lunch with a non-sugarfree Mountain Dew.

By 2 pm I was literally shaking, feeling nauseous and faint, which made me very concerned. I called the nurse who follows me for my diabetes every week, and described my symptoms. She said she would call in a prescription for a fast-acting insulin, and I could either go get it and take some right away, or go to the emergency room.

I gathered that this was rather serious but I did not want to add the expense of a hospital visit to my rather sizeable list of bills. So... I managed to find a ride to the pharmacy with one of my coworkers. My supervisor walked with me down to the lobby and waited until the car pulled up. At the pharmacy I tried to talk them into giving me a syringe so I could take the meds right that second, but no luck.

The pharmacist offered to sell me a 10-pack of syringes for $3.99 but I get a box of 100 for $10 so it didn't sound like a real good deal. Besides, I only had enough to pay for the vial of insulin. So next my coworker drove me home, and suggested that I take the rest of the afternoon off. In fact, she told me that she wouldn't let me in the door of the building.

I took the hint, and went upstairs to my place. Opera was surprised to see me home in the middle of the day. I injected myself, and within just about 15 minutes started feeling the change from the medication. I called my supervisor and told her I was taking off the rest of the day, and she agreed that it was a good idea.

Mechanic was busy and so I spent the rest of the afternoon on the computer at home, relaxing. I decided to look up information on health websites about the new insulin. In doing so, I read a little more about diabetes, and learned that I had probably been in something called ketoacidosis, which precedes diabetic coma if untreated.

I was feeling rather shocked at realizing just how bad off I had been. This was really scary. This is a really serious condition. *gulp* I guess I already knew that, but this was a big reminder.

I have to take care of myself if I am going to do the things that I really want to accomplish in life.

Mechanic and I are starting to look for an apartment again. With both of us working, we can afford a two-bedroom apartment, if we can find a place that will take us in. We do have some good things going for us - we are clean-cut folks, working, good rental history - so here's hoping...

I have had some rather disappointing conversations with members of my family. It has made me realize that while I do get homesick at times, things would never be the same again if I moved back to Arkansas. I have changed too much, and certain members of my family seem too judgemental of me for it to be a peaceful situation.

This makes me very sad. I mean, it's not like I really want to move back there. I don't want to leave my career, my friends, and everything I do have here. It's just that I didn't want to burn any bridges. I wanted to keep communication open between us all... but it's a two-way street, and there's a lot of roadblocks and obstacles on their side of the road.

They sure know how to push my buttons, though. Telling me that the younger children are forgetting who I am really breaks my heart. Shoot, my sister is just about to deliver her sixth child in March. I won't be there to greet him/her into the world. Her fifth child doesn't remember me... just knows that there is this nebulous Aunt out there... in a faraway place called Seattle.

I'll never stop loving them, though. I keep hoping if I send that love out into the universe with their names attached to it, that somehow they will feel it. The things that I think of doing, sending them letters and drawings, I get the impression that they would not be wanted... that they're too old or too young or that it's been too long...

Its pretty depressing. Yeah, I've been depressed lately but I have fought it so hard... sometimes lately I have felt like giving into it, though. But I can't... I can't lose all that I've worked so hard to gain. The stakes are too high. My freedom is at stake.

Well, that's all for now. I'm just happy that I'm alive and at home.

~Paisley Blue

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