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November 5, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

small autumn leaves

The last several days have been wild and crazy, like a little bit of a twister on an otherwise hot, muggy day.

There were some interesting men who momentarily jumped into my life Friday and Saturday. I don't know if anything will come of it so I'm not giving them nicknames, but time will tell, right?

A moment of sadness... last week I received an email from Red. This is the only acknowledgement of receipt he will ever see because I won't answer that letter. It's so sad to see when another human being needs serious psychiatric help and they refuse to get it. I know personally what it's like to be so sick you need medication or even hospitalization. I didn't like it, I didn't want it perhaps, but when it came down to the brass tacks, when I needed that kind of help, I accepted it. He is seemingly beyond recognizing the need to accept help and the only word for that is sad.

Friday was also the beginning of the novel writing month, and I am off and running. I have over 4,500 words so far and will be working more on it today. Remember, I'm also trying to keep up with my online college course and my job and everything else...

While Mechanic was gone to Kentucky I looked forward to his phone calls but I really tried to restrain myself from emailing or phoning too often. I knew he was busy having fun... I just missed him so much!

Of course, Saturday evening Mechanic flew back into Seattle. Michael and I were at the airport to greet him. We immediately heard lots of wonderful stories and saw photos on the digital camera. Before going home, we went out for a cocktail to celebrate his return.

Before we left the airport Mechanic presented Michael and I with souvenirs - little Kentucky license plate keyrings. Mine says "Wild Child" and I love it. (Thanks, Mechanic.)

One piece of news awaiting Mechanic was that Michael wanted to move in with us again. Things between him and Queen were going quite badly and Michael needed to get out of there immediately. So now four people are staying in the "shoebox."

We finally got the Volvo moved last night. The impetus that finally got that chore done was Michael giving the landlady his word that by the end of the day the car would be removed from the spot it had been parked the last several months. So we moved it down about a dozen spaces. It's moved. *wicked grin*

Things are percolating right along in our efforts to move to the beautiful house we have picked out. We had to change our methods and had the good fortune to be able to add another person to the mix who has improved everything considerably.

This is the same person Mechanic went to visit in Ohio - even though they spent most of their week together in Kentucky. His name is Blue which is short for Bluegrass, which is one of the characteristics Mechanic most mentions when he talks about the area that this young man is from.

I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Blue in person, but we have talked on the phone and chatted online. He seems to be very friendly and its nice to talk with someone else who has a Southern accent. The most important thing about him is that he makes Mechanic happy.

One of the things Mechanic brought back from his first visit back east was a product that is just a little bit slightly not allowed in this state, which is a form of alcohol nearly so pure that you could run a car engine with it. I won't say how he brought it back or exactly what it is, but you cannot purchase it within the boundaries of this fine state.

Sunday afternoon we all started working on the house in an effort to find something that was lost. During this process loud music was played and we started doing shots of this extremely flammable beverage. Well, I remember three shots, but Michael and Mechanic both swear there were more that slid down my gullet, followed by a shot of vodka which I certainly do NOT remember.

Okay, to make a long story short, there's a lot I don't remember about Sunday night. I do remember falling down once, and apparently there were more times than just that. It got really wild and really crazy with Mechanic and I both apparently spilling our guts to everyone.

I was in no shape to go see Jose Carreras at Benaroya Hall, so I gave my $100/seat tickets to Opera. Out of everyone in the house, we really knew she would enjoy them most. Turns out there was someone else there from out of state trying to get in to see the show with her friends. The ticket office was sold out and Opera gave her the second ticket, free.

Anyway, I was in no shape to walk to the bathroom, much less try to get to work, on Monday morning. I was barely keeping myself together, feeling an intense nausea and headache that could be called one of the worst hangovers of my life. Instead of trying to tough it out at the office, I curled up on the bed trying to keep my insides inside of me... until Michael insisted I go with him to get his belongings from Queen's apartment.

After we did that I went home while Michael went to work. The rest of the day is kinda hazy to me, but I remember I was feeling very depressed. Michael had a talking to with me, Opera talked to me, and Mechanic talked to me. I really do find it comforting, reassuring, and wonderful that everyone cares enough to talk with me and try and make me feel better.

Everyone did some good... but you know the real change has to come from inside. Their words helped me to keep trying, though, to keep looking for the answers to get me out of that depression. In some ways I think they had a better idea of what was wrong than I did because, according to Michael, while I was so inebriated I spilled my guts about how I felt about myself, and according to Opera, I was beating myself up emotionally.

Mechanic told me that he was irritated and stressed out whenever I was "pissy & depressed" as he called it. After several moments of discussion, I still do not know what he means by "pissy" in that phrase. I mean, I cannot figure out what actions, words, or anything qualify for that description. Regardless, he told me that he is already under enough stress - and enumerated those stresses - and that my depression was just adding to them.

Part of the deal was that I needed to come to grips with whatever was causing me to feel depressed. Logical, right? I had an extremely difficult time identifying those things. When I was on the edge of identifying them, it was like oil and water - my mind recoiled from accepting my thoughts and feelings. However, I have worked it out in my mind, dealt with most of it, buried some of it, and I am back to my normal happy self today.

I hope everyone will be ok with that. The best thing is that I am ok with that. Today at work has not been bad except for the pain in my left foot whenever I stand or walk. Apparently I hurt myself in one of the falls because my right knee is also banged up and gives out quite a bit... and there is a huge bruise on my left arm.

The most wonderful thing is that yesterday everyone reassured me that I was still loved and wanted and its always nice to hear those things. Now I am going to get back on track and work on realizing my goals and making my dreams come true.

~Paisley Blue

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