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October 29, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

I feel like crawling into a corner today, that's for sure. I made a huge mistake at work and I have no one I can talk with about it. My supervisor knows I did it because I went to her first thing and told her, as soon as I discovered the problem. She advised me on the best way to fix it, as quickly and quietly as possible, and told me she saw no need for anyone else to know because what's done is done and we've done our best to correct it.

I feel very grateful to her for that attitude. She didn't yell at me or say anything to berate me, which I never would have expected her to do yet I felt like I deserved it. There was a bit of miscommunication involved that led up to the mistake, and I had already been working with her on that particular area for other reasons. I just never dreamed it would have such far-reaching consequences.

So now I just have to ride out the feelings I have behind it, and go forward. I am glad I did not overreact and become all hysterical or anything because it certainly did not call for that. The way I've been feeling the last couple of days in combination with it being that time of month, though, has contributed to some moodiness that I can only call hormonal. So... I just have to survive.

On the bright side, the gal who is in charge of the Speakers Bureau here at work took me to lunch today for pizza. I had made her laugh when she was having a tough morning, and so she came over and asked if I'd like to go have some pizza with her. Bless her heart, because I did not know what I was going to eat for lunch today. It's been getting real interesting around the house.

Last night Opera and I ate pork and beans with Spam for supper.

I completed the third lesson in my online course and took the quiz - and I made 100% on the first try! Yeehaw! Okay, I'm a little excited about that. It's just that I am learning so much and it's harder than I thought it would be and so making a perfect score is really cool. Of course, on the quizzes you can always go back and take it as many times as you want, and only the highest score is counted. That's why I take it as a personal challenge to do these quizzes without any notes - just testing myself to see how well I've learned the material.

I am starting to feel a little lonely... I mean, I know that Opera is around, and we have talked quite a bit and watched tv together and all that. It's just not the same, though, as getting home and finding Mechanic there, and talking with him about the day. I've noticed I've been socializing a little bit more at work than I normally do and I'm looking forward to a Day of the Dead party that a coworker is throwing on Friday night.

I'm not just sitting around doing nothing, though. I am staying busy - my gosh, am I staying busy! And I am still happy, even after making a huge mistake like I did today. *giggle* It's just that it... it feels like... it feels like there is usually something there, something comforting and warm and good, and it's not there right now... and I can live without it but it just doesn't feel as nice and good as it did...

Did that make any sense? LOL

I feel like I should mention the nightmares... and flashbacks... Monday morning I woke up crying, woke up in the middle of a frightening nightmare and I know I had been on the verge of screaming. Probably would have curdled blood for a two-block radius. The nightmares are happening every night but I can't quite pin down what they are. I don't really remember them too well when I wake up.

The flashbacks happen while I'm awake, of course. Usually it happens when I am alone for which I am thankful because it's really embarrassing when it happens in front of people you know or in front of total strangers. One recent time I was sitting on the toilet in the ladies room at work when all the sudden I was in another room, being tied with rough rope over my mouth, arms and legs. I coudln't see who was doing it but I almost screamed.

Another time I was walking down the street to work and it felt like someone was grabbing my coat and trying to force me into a car. I was terrified. Then it's like I "come to" and a couple people were looking at me strangely. I know... I'm a weirdo, right?

To top everything off I have lost my bus pass. Can't find it anywhere. So I cannot work after 7 pm at night, because that's when the downtown free zone stops being free. However, I really should go home at night... so it's all good. I just wish I hadn't lost that pass, especially now that I can't drive the car.

I tried to call Michael at work today but apparently he had called in sick. The owner of the restaurant/bar was going on and on about how she didn't have a bartender today. It seemed like she was almost trying to talk me - a perfect stranger - into coming in and tending the bar. I wish I had Michael's phone number so I could call and see how he's doing.

Well, since it's the end of the day I guess I better go home. No telling what Opera and I will dream up for supper tonight. LOL

~Paisley Blue


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