Paisley's Journal
all you need is love February 14, 2002 love is all you need
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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

Happy Valentine's Day!

A year ago for Valentine's Day my husband gave me my "toys." I still have and play with those toys, and can't help but think of him whenever I use them. CB also sent me a beautiful e-card that actually brought tears to my eyes. I wonder what, if any, Valentine's gifts I will receive this year. A girl can always hope...

The last couple of days have been more stressful and I am struggling to keep my independence and stay happy. Mechanic's support has been invaluable but there are moments when it's just me and Michael and the power struggle that is building between us.

Last night he came home from work and announced that he had the solution for how to protect me. From now on, I have to ask him before I have sex... with anyone. This does not mean that he will have sex with me. It means that he demands the yes-no privilege on whether or not I can have sex with someone. There is no freaking way that I am giving him that kind of control.

On top of that, he came up with another facet to his power trip. Slapping handcuffs on me, he stepped into a Dom-sub role, demanding that I call him Sir and ask permission before doing anything from lighting a cigarette to taking a drink of water. I saw no way to get out of this situation without a huge scene, so I played along until I got free. I'm not ready to break up with him yet financially, but for my sanity I may have to do it soon.

He's always talking about how he is in control, and last night he said, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." I just stared at him dumbfounded that he could be so mysognistic and neanderthal. He took my silence for acceptance.

Well this morning I tried to talk with him. He made a big deal last night about knowing what I think, about me communicating with him... so I tried to communicate with him. He was too tired. So I wrote him a letter and told him how I felt. I told him I could not live the Dom-sub lifestyle. I can play... where it's acknowledged to be play and nothing further... but I won't be his submissive. I cannot do that and still live with myself.

I asked him if he noticed how easily I slipped into that role. Then I explained the reason I knew it so well was that I learned it in fear. I do not want to live in fear. If he really loves me, he'll drop this power trip.

He's also asking me to spend hundreds of dollars on jewelry this weekend. It wouldn't be paid for until my check on the 3rd, but it'll about wipe out that check. We will be attending Coronation of the new Emperor and Empress of the Court of Seattle, and his favorite jewelry vendor will be there. Last Coronation we went to - was it just last month??? - he talked me into getting him a necklace-earring set that went for $230. Now he wants another set, and he wants me to buy a little set for myself "because I deserve it." Oh, I agree, I deserve it. I deserve a crown, medals, jewels, and much more... but like I said in the letter, there are practical considerations to be made.

I need to buy medication. I did not do that at the first of the month... and I won't be able to with my check on the 15th, so I am really motivated to get my medicines at the first of March. I have needed shoes since last fall. I do not want to have to worry about whether there is money for food or cigarettes. (Yes, I am still smoking... how can I quit when I am under all this stress???)

Earlier today on the telephone he said we will "talk" this afternoon about the letter. I could tell he wasn't happy. But you know what!? He admitted as much two nights ago, that he is not happy with me. I believe he was on the verge of telling me goodbye... but he didn't. Where would he go? He did not get paid yesterday - they changed his payday to Thursday without telling him. Then he says he will only have two days on this paycheck. He's been there a month -- why is he only getting paid for partial hours? Or is he not working as much as he says he is? No, I think he's putting in the hours, but they're just jacking him around.

The most telling thing he said day before yesterday (I think) was that he should have never quit the job at the beauty salon. At least then he had steady hours and a steady check. Now, whenever he talks about how the two of us are supporting 3-5 people... I think to myself that truthfully I am the only one supporting all these people. His earnings help with gas and cigarettes, and maybe they'll pay a cell bill if he gets that much. But I guarantee if he had to pay even half the rent, he couldn't.

Topping everything off I got this very concerned and outraged letter from CB, my husband, wondering what the hell is going on and where Michael was when I was slipped the ecstasy. I can see how much CB cares about me. I know he thinks about me, maybe even as much as I think about him. However much I wish we could get back together again, though, there are obstacles that I don't know how to overcome.

Many people tell me I deserve a real relationship with a man who will love me, make love to me 3 times a day, and want no other... someone who will hold a steady job, be responsible, and make me happy. I am glad that so many people agree that I deserve that. Mechanic and I talk about this a lot. We talk about how he and I are perfectly compatible as special friends but we could never have the kind of relationship that he wants or that he says I deserve.

I finally realize that I need someone who can be faithful to me, stay around and support me emotionally, maybe even financially, if necessary, but I'm doing okay in that department. I need to know that I'm the only one. I can be faithful. I can be monogamous. But is there a man who will love me and want me and prove it to me...? Is it possible I already know him...? Or are the gods holding him in reserve?

If I could have any wish come true, I know who I would choose to be that certain someone. I know who I want. I know who I long for. But can he be the one? Is it possible... for him to want me and only me? To be faithful to me? He'd have to really prove it to me by sticking around, not making all those mysterious trips, and loving me and only me.

Of course if that wish came true, many people would be upset with me. However, I have learned that I can't please everyone all the time, and the best thing I can do is please myself. That way, no matter whether or not others are upset, at least I'm happy.

I'm probably asking too much but I don't think so. I think I deserve all that... and more.

I am the eternally optimistic one.

~Paisley Blue



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