|The Adventures of Paisley
I have been entirely too emotional in the last 24 hours, so maybe I am PMS'ing. Mercy!
Last night Michael and I were treated to a movie and supper by one of my friends, whom I shall call Blossom. We saw Lord of the Rings, then ate Mexican food at a restaurant across the street from the theater. It was the first time for Michael and Blossom to meet, and it was cool. They got along great from what I could tell.
Before the evening was over, we just about had her convinced to share a place with us. Another one of those 'time will tell' things.
I worked hard all day today and for the most part I was quite happy to do so. It was only just at quitting time that I got an email that disturbed me. CB wrote a short, sweet note... and all the misery and pain and love I feel just flooded out of me in tears that fell in fat drops on my blouse.
Why can I not invent a world, another dimension, where I can be with him and he won't leave me? Why can I not have him near me, yet give him the freedom he so obviously needs? Why does it hurt so bad, out of all the men I have loved, to have lost this one man? Why have I lost him? What did I do wrong?
He would tell me that I did nothing wrong, that I did everything right. Well, he used to tell me that. I don't know if he would tell me that now. But the gods know that I tried to do everything right... I tried to be the best wife I could to him... supportive, strong, giving, loving. But others say I gave too much to the point that he used me. I know Michael thinks that CB used me.
I'm trying to pour out the wrenching pain that squeezes my heart so that when I go home this evening, I will be calm and peaceful. Michael can see right into the core of my being... at times it feels like he can read my mind... and I don't want to give him cause to be troubled or worried. I sense it sometimes that he worries what will happen if CB ever returns to Seattle... I think he wonders what I would do, even though he has never spoken of this.
I know what I would have done had CB returned earlier than this... I just don't know what I would do now. I like to think that I would be strong and remember the pain and hardship I had to endure alone, how I had to haul myself up by my own bootstraps to avoid ending up on the streets in a big city thousands of miles from home... I like to think that perhaps I would hug CB, kiss him even, and not get lost in him... at least, that's what I like to think.
When you're given the sweetest fruit to freely savor, and it is taken away... do you not always long to have it again? Yes, the memory is wonderful and you can always lie back and sigh as you recall the many details... but having tasted it once, what would you not do to taste it again?
CB was the sweetest fruit I had ever tasted before, and for months I feasted at that table. Little by little the fruit disappeared, though, until one day it was gone entirely. I had to start finding other things to eat. There were some things that were sweet, but much of it was bland or sour. Now, I have found a delectable fruit that is sweet, hearty, and satisfying. It does not have that same texture and flavor, but it is also sweet, and I know this fruit will be plentiful, reliable, and filling.
I know there are no promises. Drought, disease, or injury could strike down the fruit trees and destroy all the crops. However, by living one day at a time, I can enjoy the sweetness as I find it. Even the sour or bland has its purpose -- because if you never have the sour or bland, how will you ever know what is sweet?
Well, now that I have poured my heart out, I feel a lot better. In a while I can come back and read this, ponder the way I feel this evening and see how far I've grown. In the meantime, there's work to do and I'm the one to do it...