Paisley's Journal
December 10, 2001

It's getting close to Yule!
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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

Well, I had an exciting weekend. Saturday night Michael, Butch, and I decided to do shots of tequila. I had never done shots, and I had never drank tequila. We probably started drinking around 7:00 at night. By 8:30 I was in the emergency room.

Part of the reason for that, I am sure, is that after about 4 shots of tequila, I was not as intoxicated as the other two were on tequila. I thought this was monumentally funny, so Michael switched me over to Bacardi 151. He said mixing dark liquors would not mess me up.

Well, I had at least four shots of the 151, maybe more. Without a doubt I was drinking far more than they were. I do not remember throwing up on the couch or being taken to the bathroom and stripped naked by Angel and Butch. They were going to throw me in the shower, but when I was no longer responding to people, Angel panicked and insisted that I needed to go to the hospital.

Apparently Smartalek half-carried me out to the car, and Michael and Angel and I set off to the nearby medical center. Once there, my shirt was removed because I had thrown up again. An IV was placed in my arm but it required three people holding me down and two tries by the nurse before it took.

I have vague, fuzzy memories of seeing Michael and Angel looking down at me, trying to calm me down. Angel told me to go back into the club, that Mercedes was performing in there and I didn't want to leave her all alone.

Now I did not remember the club at first until Angel asked me about it later. But now I do remember her saying that. I don't remember what the club looked like inside, or what Mercedes was wearing. This is a meditation technique that Angel was trying to use on me. Michael did tell me, though, that at one point he could see me mouthing the words to our song, "Get Here."

After five hours Michael decided it was time to take me home. The only reason they were holding me was because I was intoxicated. My blood alcohol was three times the normal limit but I did not have alcohol poisoning. My blood sugar was 198 and that's not too bad. So we went home.

From that fuzzy memory in the hospital about 'the club' the next thing I remember is waking up naked in bed. I was thirsty to the point of dehydrating, like I was in a desert or something. Dizzy and confused, I climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom where I unsuccessfully tried to drink from the faucet. Frustrated, I walked into the kitchen, got a glass from a cupboard and returned to the bathroom for a drink. I woke up again and again to get a sip of water.

Finally around dawn I realized I was naked while wandering around this house, and I put on a housedress. Michael says he never even realized it. Of course, another thing he did not realize was that a couple of times when I awoke for drinks of water, he was all snuggled up against me. I know that he does not believe me, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that I remember it right. He laughingly asked if I had hallucinated that part but I told him it had happened before -- and it has.

All the teasing I endured yesterday... the constant "Oh, do you remember saying this...?" or "Do you remember doing that?" I tried to smile and laugh about most of it, but some of it was downright embarrassing. If I EVER thought I had any secrets in the world, they were all blabbed out that night. I'm sure I haven't even heard everything, yet. Apparently I told Angel I had a crush on her, and I said over and over again that I wish I were a boy. They said I was always saying "I'm sorry" and "I'm not worthy."

How many years do I have to be in therapy before I get past that?

Well, last night Michael and I talked a few moments privately before going to sleep and he said something that reassured me greatly. When I brought up the part about wishing I was a boy, I asked if he understood what I meant by that... and he told me that we have a unique and special relationship. That's all I needed to hear.

Dear goddess, I will never do shots of tequila or 151 or anything ever again. Mixed drinks, cocktails, wine, champagne -- those are fine. Shots, no. I have never drank and then not remembered afterwards. What's the fun in that? I guess most people get this out of their systems in college, but at least I have experienced it and survived.

One of the things that helped me survive was the fact that I was surrounded by people who care about me. That has made all the difference.

~Paisley Blue

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