Paisley's Journal
November 14, 2001

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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

This has not been my best day. I have mixed up people's names, my fingers are being dyslexic on the keyboard, and I have gotten confused and tongue-twisted and even tearful at different points of the day. I wish I could just go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I told my therapist yesterday that I have a feeling, like a hunch or instinct, that I am not long for this world. There is a sense of urgency to things that I do... to tie up loose ends, to make sure I am right with the people who I care about, to be sure that I have done all those things that I really really wanted to get done in life. Of course, my therapist said she wants to talk about this next week. Little wonder that she does.

I did take her photocopies of the little cartoons I have drawn about my life. There is also a cartoon that explores the subject of self-injury from the points of view of someone thinking about doing it, someone doing it, someone who accidentally went too far and killed herself, and someone who feels the desire but decides she does not need to do it. This particular one impressed my therapist so much she wants to show it to some bigwig therapists who are specialists in that field, like, nationally known... to see if they would be interested in using it, sharing it with their patients. She asked if I mind if she does that -- of course I do not mind! That would rock! To use my experience and talent to help someone else... of course the answer is YES. *giddy laughter* Here I was afraid she'd be scandalized by that cartoon and what a positive reaction! Wow!

I have been very introspective lately, thinking about all the things I have done in my life, and what I have to show for myself. One of the comic sheets I drew recently is titled "XXX's Legacy" with XXX being my real name. In it I go through some of my thoughts on this subject, and decide the one thing I really want is to be remembered with love. That is more important than any temporal accomplishments... although if I could have just one, I would hope that my art would live on.

This has been a very hard year. I hope I never hear anyone say to me again that "if I had lived your life, I would have killed myself by now." There's just this feeling in me that if I hear that one more time, I'm gonna come out swinging. Knock 'em down first and ask questions later. Hmmmm... that's a teensy weensy bit of rage showing through, isn't it?

The bottom line, though, is that everyone has it hard. Even when you have things easy, it's not going to stay that way. It's like this: Life is change. Whether you're going through something wonderful or something horrible, it's gonna change. So if you're experiencing something you like, live in the moment and savor it because without a doubt change will come along and that situation will go from being in the present to being in the past. On the other hand, though, if you're going through some tough times, or if you're in a lot of pain, that, too, shall pass. That is how I get through all this tough stuff. I keep reminding myself This too shall pass.

I am not a pollyanna. I am not a white-light-smiley-face-everything-is-okay kinda person. I am definitely a realist, but I also have an optimistic and hopeful streak a mile wide. Everything I am saying here is based on my experiences, and from what I can tell through observation and conversation, my experiences have been tougher than many of the people around me. Still, I can easily point to just as many people -- strangers, acquaintances, and a couple of friends -- who have it worse than I do. I am not complaining... I am venting. Yeah, that's it. I'm venting.

The song "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley keeps going through my head. Michael and I used to sing that together at karaoke... "I have my own life... and I am stronger than you know..."

I want that to be me.

~Paisley Blue

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