October 29, 2001
|The Adventures of Paisley
Sometimes I wonder why I doubt myself so much. I mean, aren't my thoughts logical and my feelings legitimate? I have questions that I don't ask, and I have feelings I don't express. I have ideas that I don't share, and I have dreams that will never come true if I don't find a way to break this... this pattern.
I feel as if I don't know what I am doing... bumbling along in life. Because of this, I try my hardest to keep a smile on my face, make a good show of it, be strong, be a survivor... what else can I do? I feel bewildered.
I guess, when I think back on it, the one thing that I have done at times like this is to reach back inside myself for the simplicity and peace of the Divine. Perhaps it is time to back off a little and commune with the gods...
I think part of it is that I am afraid of being hurt. There are so many myriad ways that can happen! There is a new warning about terrorist attacks. There are the countless men who would use and abuse a woman. There are the fears that come with being in relationships -- work relationships, where you can get screwed; friendships, where you can get used, taken, backstabbed, ground underfoot; and yes, even romantic relationships. I've got tons of experience with that kind of hurt.
This does not mean that I am going to give up on interaction with people. Hardly! If I were going to do that, I'd have done it by now, don't you think? I suppose the only real purpose of this journal entry is to actually express something that I rarely ever admit to...
I'm not even sure what I'm admitting to...
I just feel vulnerable. And I feel I can safely share that here, for the whole world to see, because I really don't believe anyone reads this journal. It's just me... and the vast emptiness of cyberspace... perhaps the rare Ghost in the Machine.
Have a wonderful evening.
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