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Paisley's Journal
October 26, 2001
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The Adventures of Paisley Blue

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a state of grace, being held in the hands of the Goddess as my life rolls on before me. There is much laughter and happiness, and at times sadness and pain, but when I reflect back on the last two weeks, I only remember the joy.

There is a man who loves me, who thinks I am beautiful, who wants to build a life with me. You know I never use real names in this journal, so I shall call him Michael. He would see the humor in that, I believe.

Weeks before my birthday, Michael asked me to attend a drag queen pageant that he was participating in -- so Twinkle and I were going to go. At the last minute, Twinkle backed out on me. However, there was no hesitation on my part to go alone because I was very close to Michael and would not want to disappoint him in any way.

In the weeks prior to this show, Michael had been calling me, we would see each other, and he even asked me out on dates. I did not want to get my hopes up but it did seem that the friendship between us was changing a bit. Earlier in our friendship I had teased him a bit, letting him know I wished he were straight. He would tell me that if he were, I'd be the one he wanted. His friendship was so important to me, though, that I did not want to cross the line and make him uncomfortable.

Michael won the pageant - her first crown! - and I said we should go out for cocktails to celebrate. In the car before we got there, Michael said something about how we should get married. I thought he was just being sweet, never imagining that he was really serious. We went to the bar and had a drink, and then left to go to a restaurant.

We were sitting in the car and he had not yet started the engine, when he became very serious and quiet. I waited for him to speak but I never would have guessed what he was about to say. "I am only going to ask you one more time. Will you marry me and be Mrs. X?" (X being my replacement for his last name.)

My heart stopped. It was as if that moment my life switched over to a fairy tale. When I could breathe and think again, I said Yes. Michael gave me a single red rose. I could now express my love to him in whatever way my heart desired, and it would be okay.

My mind raced around, visiting different memories that I had been holding close. Like the times that we laid side by side watching tv. Like the times we had hugged, and flirted and kissed. Like that one long French kiss at the bar where I thought my knees would buckle and I would just fall to the floor. Then there were all those long talks we had, and the way our minds connected. I have long felt like we've known each other forever.

These were thoughts and memories that I would take out and look at when I was all alone, when I would allow myself to feel things for him that I did not know were reciprocated.

Needless to say, that evening we had a lot to talk about, from practical issues to the dreams for our lives. The conversation has not ended, and Goddess willing, never will. It is certainly one of our strengths.

There were circumstances with his life, though, that made us choose caution and patience in announcing our engagement. There's also the added complication that I am still married, although my husband has not been around for months. One by one, though, these obstacles are falling away and being dealt with.

As people learn about us, they have questions, of course. How do a straight woman and a gay man get married? Here's my answer: No matter what labels you put on people on the outside, inside we are just one soul and another soul who have found each other, love each other, and want to be together. What we do, don't do, talk about, or anything behind our bedroom door is nobody's business. What matters is that we are happy.

Anyone who has seen us knows that we are very happy together.

I will write more later, but I just wanted to share this news, and record it so that over time as my memory fails, I will be able to recall this happy time in my life. Oh, what a very happy time...

~Paisley Blue




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