|The Adventures of Paisley
One of the things that has really helped me make it through these past several months is my friend, whom I have called Twinkle earlier in this journal. We have had some hilarious times together, been through some weird times together, and grown really close in the process.
We joke around that the hotel is like a soap opera, and the visits of some guests are known as 'eras' because the time period is indelibly stamped with their presence. Some guests have been great to know, others we couldn't wait to see leave, and there have been some true characters along the way.
Yesterday morning was particularly rough on Twinkle, and he was not exactly attracting people to his side with all the ranting and raving he was doing. I was not afraid of him. He is my friend, and I knew he would not hurt me. I saw the sadness, I saw the emotions running through him like rapids after a torrential rainfall.
I stayed with him, talked with him, even cooked breakfast for him -- although he passed out before I was finished. I cleaned up the kitchen afterwards, and then I was tired, too. We both slept undisturbed -- he on his bed and I sitting on a chair -- for about three hours. He suddenly awoke and my presence startled him.
I visited with him again while he ate, and then I left so he could (hopefully) get some undisturbed sleep. In hindsight, I think that would only have happened if I had stood guard at his door. It seems that people were waking him up every hour or two.
I did a record number of four loads of laundry Sunday evening. It's great having all these clean clothes but I have no where to put them... but I'm going to keep washing clothes until they're all clean. I want to get my messy room down to a manageable level. Also, if I end up moving, I will need to be ready.
Last night before Twinkle went on duty as security guard, he told me that he just can't take it anymore... he is going to move. His sleep is constantly interrupted making him feel like he is slowly going crazy.
So many thoughts went through my head! I wanted to move with him, be his neighbor, or be his roommate. Everyday I look forward to visiting with him, even if it is only for 15 minutes or so. Just being around him makes me feel good, and at different times, he has told me how he feels about me. I have enjoyed his close proximity and felt a measure of safety in his nearness. I love visiting with him, and with his constantly changing schedule, that can be hard. I like hearing his jokes as I pass by in the hallway. I like hearing his voice from my room. I like the spontaneous trips we have made in the past, and if he is not near, I don't see how those could happen anymore.
Part of me says "What are you so concerned about?" He'll still be my friend. That's true. And eventually we were going to move away from this building. That's true. And life is all about change -- if we don't change, we stagnate and die. That's true. I must be grateful for all that has happened, all that we have shared, and trust the gods that he and I will share more in the future.
Another angle to this is the fact that nothing has happened yet. This was just a statement made last night. Chances are when I get home this evening, he'll still be there. Nothing has happened that fast. And even if it has, life will go on. Look at all the change that has happened to me in the last twelve months!
It is time for me to start thinking about what I am going to do. I cannot guarantee that I will be near Twinkle. I can be pretty sure that he'll always be my friend, though. I have other friends, too, and they are behind me 100% encouraging me and being good to me. Looking at it from that point of view, I have a pretty good support system here.
Today at work I had a nice long talk with my supervisor-mentor-friend, whom I shall refer to as Sharon. She talked with me seriously about the need to get out of my building. She feels it is a dangerous place to live, and it is true. (Yesterday afternoon some guy beat up a girl until she was unconscious. I was in the laundry room and heard the screams... I was paralyzed with fear, not knowing where it was coming from.) She asked me to consider the option of living with a roommate. Sharon told me about some of her experiences with roommates earlier in her life. It actually doesn't sound that bad.
There seem to be pros and cons to having a roommate, and to having my own place. With a roommate, you're not always alone. You have the opportunity for a higher quality of apartment because together you can afford more than separate. But with a roommate you could get ripped off. The roommate could disappear, leaving you responsible for paying all the rent. The roommate could bring home friends who are scary.
Having my own place, which I have done before, there's the whole thing about the silence of the apartment when you get home. It's a lonely sound. You're always looking over your shoulder while unlocking the door. People passing by sound like intruders. Yet, there's the freedom to do absolutely whatever you want in your space. You can decorate however you like. You can walk around completely naked. You can have someone over for the evening, or the weekend. You have total control over your space, and I have to admit, that is totally tempting right now.
I have to conquer this fear I have, which I know was brought up by the two recent attacks. I am doing everything that I am supposed to, though. I have filed police reports. I am getting therapy. I will get past this. In the meantime, I am just thankful for those around me who are supportive.