fuzzy

¤Lady§un§hine¤ : I want to introduce our speaker tonight she’s a lady who I have to call a friend and more she’s my right hand. The group conscience of this room made a good decision when they made her my assistant. I have seen her grow in may many ways in the last year that i have known her and she is a wonderful loving person. We totally balance each other out so without further delay. I want you all to welcome Chrissy aka fuzzy214.

Hi I'm Chrissy codependent and a alcoholic. I should start from the beginning. I was the 3rd youngest of 9 kids, 6 boys and 3 girls. Growing up I never really felt close to my mom. Always was searching for the love that I now know she was not capable of giving me.

I was a real daddy’s girl and I know he loved me very much. My mom was real jealous of this and I know today that in her way she did love me. I tried so hard all my life to win her acceptance. My two brothers and I where always the ones that where left home.

There was a time I remember that I was the only one who didn’t get to go to my aunt’s house. I had to stay home and that hurt a lot. I remember crying a lot as a little girl and saying to myself. I will just try harder for mom to love me.

We moved a few times and I switched schools a lot and always being the new kid is really hard and when I would make friends. I would need them so much I would smother them and they would back away. Growing up we where always called the grubs...the dirty Roth kids other mothers wouldn't let there kids come to our house.

Well at about 14--15 years old I was babysitting for the landlords and I was doing this 15 hours a day and they where not paying me much. But I met an older guy who gave me the love and affection and attention I wanted and needed. Being the naive child that I was. He took complete advantage of me, and he raped me, and see when this happened to me as a kid I would tell mom and she would tell me it was my fault and I needed to stay away from the neighbor boys and my brothers so I never told anyone.

My parents both died never knowing what happened to me, and the shame I have lived with all these years. I always felt so dirty so ugly, so ashamed. Well anyways when I was 16, I met al he was a mess, no job drinking, long hair, high school drop out and 23 yrs old.

My parents hated him and fought me all the way well unless they needed to use him for his car or, they needed him to take me somewhere for them. I saw something in him and I had someone who loved me and who I could save. Well my parents finally accepted him and treated him like a son all through high school I went out with al played in sports was a cheerleader and took all the crap from all the people I went to school with. Never really was a part of it but I had to do these things or my parents would not let me go out with Al. I would sneak behind their backs and he started going to tech school, and got a job at Mcdonald’s.

He stopped drinking and cut his hair. humm I had made him into what I thought my parents wanted. Well all this time my mother told me to date other guys I thought I knew it all thought she didn’t know what she was talking about. This is the one thing I wish I would have listened to her on. I have no regrets just maybe would have done things different.

Never drank or partied much at all cuz I was trying so hard to be the perfect daughter? yes that was it. I had seen my brothers and sisters all get in trouble for that and I didn’t want to go there. I wanted to be perfect so mom would love me.

I worked as a waitress after high school and got engaged. Well during this time my parents ran into some major financial problems and of course I was working and giving them money and they would be going to the casinos and I just kept right on giving it to them cuz I wanted them to love me. When I got engaged my mother did not say she was happy or anything said "I hope you know what your doing" well that hurt for along time.

But today I understand it and know what she meant. I got married and continued to take care of mom and dad and my brothers and sisters now they needed a place to stay, sure come and stay at my house as long as you needed it you need money to pay your phone bill sure, i'll let mine get shut off.

I was living the "perfect" life. Had a great husband and now I had the most special little boy in the world and I still wasn’t happy. Well when I got pregnant with Samantha I thought my life was great and it like, fell apart. I was switching jobs and I became a manager of a retail store and I became so obsessive checking things again and again doing things the perfect way I drove myself nuts.

Then my brother got married and my dad had open heart surgery and then I got the job I have now all within 2 months I was over whelmed. I'm really grateful for the job I have now I've been there 10 yrs and they have allowed me time off when I needed it and I would need it lol. I started counseling that October. That seemed to really help well things where still the same. Still saving my family. Even let some of them use my name for credit and ruined my credit.

Well on April 21st 1993 my world changed forever. I got the phone call and had to tell my mother that my brother Paul had died in a grocery store, collapsed and died had a heart attack at the age of 33. Mom was crushed and was very depressed. Would sit in chair and just rock, cry and hug my brother’s picture. I tried so hard to make her stop hurting. But this was something I couldn't fix. She started to come out of it 6 months later. But god wanted her with my brother and she had a heart attack and died that was the worse thing ever in my life is to find her laying on the floor dead.

I was devastated but I blocked out my pain and my feelings. cuz I had to take care of everyone else dad was not in good health. So I took care of him as well as it got worse with my brothers and sisters. I was so enmeshed in their lives that I became like their mother.

Then dad died 1 year and 10 days after mom of a heart attack again. Now what could I do? Then the coda really took off. I got to be so bad at one point my brother was having problems with his teenage daughter and she was coming home at lunch. I would take vacation time oh man back up lol. She was coming home during school. I would take vacation time to sit down the street front her house and wait for her to come home.

Well the February after my dad passed away. I hit a bottom and I planned a suicide attempt what tree to hit and how I could make it look like a accident so al and the kids did not suffer. Went to counselor some how some way and said I need help. They put me in hospital for a week put me on anti depressants and I started to do better. I started to feel like I was alive things got clearer for me and I started to think I could make decisions in my life.

Then I started drinking. Not every day but I would drink to stop feeling and drink to stop thinking. My best friend quit drinking on July 18 1997. I started that day we have a joke that I started and she quiet well we are both in AA now so I guess we both quit. lol

In June of 1998, I found a coda meeting cuz my sister needed it. I wanted to go with her well she wanted me to go with her lol and being the good coda I am. I said sure I'm still going she's not lol. A lot of things have changed in my life since I started coda and I'm really grateful for this program. I have set boundries with my siblings and today I go weeks without talking to them.

When before I talked to them everyday and when I see them they are happy to see me for me not happy cuz I paid there phone bill. Well when I realized that maybe my drinking had gotten out of hand. I talked to a few people and have started AA I think it's really helped me.

When I found this room a year ago on July 17 it was one of the best things in my life. I've made so many good friends and even have met several face to face and I want to meet more to lol. I still tend to do the same coda things I have done for 32 yrs. But today I look at them and learn from them and I'm grateful that I have this program and a higher power who is with me each day I wake up.

I have more healthy friendships and I'm working the steps, facing the past with a lot of people holding my hand and the promises are coming true. Some days I have a hard time accepting things but I know now that I don’t have to be perfect to have someone love me. I can be me mistakes and all and people do love me.

No it's not been easy I've got so much hidden deep down inside of me. I still have to grieve for my mom. But I know that with people in this program I'll make it thanks to all of you in this room who mean so much to me. This is like my family here and I love you all very much. Thanks for listening. Done