Adoption is a unique experience and has been a major part of my life. It has caused me pain and joy and a world of emotions that I doubt I would have ever experienced other wise.
I have always known I was adopted. I have been very blessed to have a family that is very open about this fact. Unlike many others who have been lied to my parents have told me everything that they know about my adoption. They are supportive of my search and understand why I am doing it. I have children.......three boys. I have never been able to answer medical questions about them. We have no history except mine. My children are the only blood relatives that I know.
I have had many hardships. My parents told me that they thought that I was ADD back then. My oldest son has many problems socially and mentally . He has been diagnosed with ADHD/ODD. I'm positive that there is a genetic link here. He has deformities in his neck that I'm told are genetic. He has vertebraes that are abnormally shaped and two that are fused together. At six years old he has had problems already with that. I have had scares where his neck was thought to be broken. He was put in a brace because of it.
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I started to think once in a while about my birthmother when I was angry at my parents. I drank and still smoke (a habit started at 13). I ran away and was in trouble consistantly. I barely finished school and with grades that were poor compared to my ability. I see my son following my footsteps......it is a scary thing. The worst part is that he is half the age I was when I started doing the things he is doing. I still can't tell the doctors our history.
In high school I was a social outcast. I still feel like I didn't belong there. My son has the same social problems. Children don't like him because he can't focus and acts on impulses he has no control over. He is hurting and my heart is breaking along with his. I see him living my life. I need to break the cycle. I can't.......I have no medical information.
I didn't trust anybody. I didn't think anyone was really out to help me except me. I relied completely on me and no one else. My son is afraid to tell me he hurts. He is scared of me. He doesn't like a lot of touch. I don't like him in my space. I don't like a lot of physical contact. It took me over a year to bond with my son. I was bounced from foster home to foster home for the first 5 months of my life and then taken to my parents home. I was deprived a decent first impression of love and security. I believe strongly in bonding with your children. I didn't get to bond and have attachment disorder because of it. Do we want to do this to others??
I was put on medication after medication from Haldol to Ritalyn and ended up trying to kill myself. I didn't see anyway out of it. Now I see my son starting this same cycle. He has been on all the same drugs that I was put on. He reacts the same way I did to them. I'm not able to help him though.....I have no medical history.
I started to think more and more about my birthmother and wondered what she looked like, who she was. Did she suffer as I did and sometimes still do? If she did is she still alive?? Did she use drugs or kill herself?? What about siblings??
I went into the army in 90. I loved it. This is when I got pregnant with my oldest. I learned discipline and responsibility finally. Will it take something like that to help my son?? I don't know.
When I got out of the army I got back together with an old boyfriend from Michigan. He adored Greg. He got abusive really quick and I kicked him out. Single and pregnant again. I finally called an adoption agency and met my savior.
Margot brought me
some profiles of couples that met my standards...(not able to conceive) and I picked Kim and John. I got really upset because I couldn't answer the simplest questions. Did diabetes run in my family? Did heart disease? etc. How in
the world would I know. I insisted that Kim and John be willing to have
an open adoption so that the baby would know anything he wanted. They agreed. He was born in 1993. His name Zechariah. Zack was taken home with them and they framed a letter from me and pictures of me and my oldest son. Three
days later I went to the court and relinquished. It was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.
I knew now what my mom did and really felt
compassion for her. I wasn't angry and never had been. I met my husband shortly after that. He was immediately sent to Saudi Arabia. We decided while he was there that we didn't
want to put too many years between our children and decided we should go
ahead and have another. He came back 1994 and I became pregnant.
I was scared to death. I doubted every ability
I had of being a mother. I was having incredible problems with my oldest and
didn't think I could do it. This was the first time I planned one and was able to prepare.
he came in 1995 and I instantly fell in love. I had never felt
like this before. I cried. I didn't feel like this with my oldest or Zack and
was overwhelmed by it. I instantly wanted to protect this child from everything
I could. I knew then I was ready for this and could handle it.
I started therapy with my oldest because he was out of control. Our therapist suggested that she thought I was depressed or bi-polar and I told her this story. She was shocked. A new doctor made me realize I wasn't crazy at all. I still couldn't answer my medical questions and was catagorized as major depressed. He said this was very
common among adopted people. It blew my mind. I never thought that it had anything to do with that. He put me on medicine again and for once found ones that really helped. I could function, think, and really start to deal with things that got to me.
I got on line then and somehow got into geneology for my husband. Out of nowhere I decided to see if they have anything on adoption. I don't know where this came from but I found alt.adoption. I started to read and saw many posts about searching and reunions. I had
seen them on talk shows but never thought about it until then because it was right there and accessable.
This was five years ago. I was bombarded with literally hundreds of posts.
I had how to's, where to's, who to's. I didn't know where to start.
A wonderful lady, a birthmother wrote
me. She told me her side of things. She didn't want to be found. She talked
about the unwed homes and societies beliefs and fantasizing about birthparents.
I was intrigued. I had no clue to what she was talking about. Adoption
wasn't like this. I gave up Zack and knew what it was like. I wrote her
back and became friends very quickly with her. I then started some steps to searching.
I asked my parents to tell me about my adoption. They did.
This is a letter my mom wrote to me.
My search information,
I met a Cincinnatti reporter through one of the lists and he published some of my story in a reunion article in the same newpaper my mother suggested that I look in for the announcements. I have learned
so much and have been helping many now in searching for their families. I am finally getting some answers that I have been searching for all of my life. I have to thank my friend the
birthmother who led me to the wealth of love and
information that I have gained because of her. Even though I haven't found yet I have such a new wealth of information and knowledge. It is getting to be more peaceful in my life
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