Here is a collection of email forwards about Cats that I have found amusing.  Unfortunately, like most forwards, the author and source are unknown.  Please use the feedback page if you happen to know any information about these.
Thank you and Enjoy!

Cat Physics

Any of you remember studying the different "laws" in Physics class? These laws are much more interesting and relevant to my daily life with cats, plus you don't have to memorize them; you live and experience them everyday. See if you agree.

Law of Inertia:  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of a cat food can.

Law of Thermodynamics:  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance:  Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

First Law of Energy Conservation:  Cats know that energy is neither created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little of it as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation:  Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking:  A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag and Box Occupancy:  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Furniture Replacement:  A cat's desire to scratch the furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Genesis - According to the Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and their humans broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but She had to scoop the litter box.

Cat Haiku
By Anony Mouse

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pinecones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head

Want to go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

10) E-Mail flames from some guy named 'Fluffy.'

9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8) You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna.

5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of ‘CyberDog.'

4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2) On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

1. Chairs and Rugs:

 If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. Doors:

 Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. Guests:

 Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color, which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. Work:

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.

Following are the rules for hampering:
 When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a homemade toy! For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this maneuver. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5. Play:

 Play is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o'-the-hill on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM.

MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!

Not all cats are the neat and finicky creatures described by legend. One such cat inadvertently left the following lying around, which was found by a human and disseminated over the Internet so that the cat-enslaved the world over might benefit.

How to Train a Human Being
By Nikita el Gato

Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in weatherproof homes, and are easily trained.

Choosing Your Human:  Humans don't realize this, but we choose which humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species.

Getting Carried Around:  While walking to one's destination is preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things. Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you. For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point.

Getting Fed on Time:  Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you outside, thinking you've received a call from Nature. But in a week or two they will catch on and get the food out on time.

Getting the Right Food:  Unfortunately modern humans are inept at hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff. As long as you have an adequate supply of naturally obtained food (i.e. tasty little mice) the appropriate training regime is to walk up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around the bowl a few times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a nice little nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up, make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry crunchy stuff.

Napping Sites:  Human dwellings are just full of nice little places to nap, such as windowsills, the tops of dressers, inside closets, under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible. Typically, if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will grab you and toss you - an exciting moment of flying through the air. Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and leave you alone.

Other Cats:  Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship, and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home. Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions around, provided the human increases the food supply.

The Litter Box:  Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion, don't we.

Gifts:  Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

Expressing Affection: The deal is we get a free place to live that is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're happy. They have no idea. Don't get too standoffish as the human will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable human when it comes to dinner.

Naming: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond. If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then tell them your true name.

Conclusion: Humans are much easier to train, then, for example, their stupid dogs.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.

Draw the water.

Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point, and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least for now, he smells a lot better.

"A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being.  In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity.

This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.

Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless  effective alternatives:

 Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

1. Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

2. Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

3. Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

4. Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.

5. Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

6. Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

7. Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

8. Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

9. Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

10. Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.

11. Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

12. Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

13. Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

Our modern saying curiosity killed the cat is actually a spin-off of an old saying that really had nothing at all to do with the cat's natural sleuthing abilities! In the 16th century, there was a saying, "care kills a cat". This statement meant that cats seemed to be very cautious, careful and worrisome creatures, and too much anxiety can be bad for one's health, even to the point of sending one to an early grave. A cat, then, could be killed by excessive "care" as indeed could a human. Over the years, the meaning of the word "care" changed, and the word "curiosity" was substituted in the phrase, intending to explain that this was a trait that got both people and cats into trouble sometimes!

Ever wonder where the expression tomcat , or, tom-catting around came from? A racy best-selling book, "The Life and Adventures of a Cat", was written in the mid-1700's in England, and the hero was a cat the author named "Tom"! This phrase has stayed with us for more than 200 years!!

How could a cat get your tongue ? Scholars believe that this expression was derived from a barbaric custom in the Middle East several centuries ago, when it was common to dispense horrific punishments to criminals, one of which was to rip out the tongue from a person who had supposedly lied. Other punishments included chopping off the hand of a thief, and those severed body parts were then given to the king's pet cats as their daily food. Yuch!!!

In Medieval England, buyers would bring their tender young pigs to sell in the common marketplace. However, there were some unethical sellers who would try to trick buyers by concealing large cats in the bags instead of suckling pigs. Shrewd shoppers quickly caught on to this tactic, and would demand the sack to be opened in order to inspect the pig. Oops!!! All too often, it was the cat that was let out of the bag !!

Back in a theater of Shakespeare's age, impatient gentlemen of that era made noises that sounded like a fence full of howling cats to register their disapproval of a performance...hence, we have the term catcalls !!

The Roaring '20s ushered in some new phrases relating to cats that are still used and enjoyed today. A cool cat is someone who keeps up with all the latest fads and trends! The cat's meow describes ideas that were truly "too cool for words",! Actually, the phrase the cat's pajamas means the same thing...only no one seems to know quite why!!

Have you heard the phrase a cat's paw ? This is a label for someone who has been taken advantage of and wasn't smart enough to "cat"ch on! Experts say this saying has its origin from an old folk tale in which a clever monkey tricks a not-so-clever cat into reaching into a fireplace to pull out some chestnuts that were roasting there. The monkey got the chestnuts, and the cat got second-degree burns!

Cats certainly are not cowards, but they are definitely smart enough to scamper away (often up the nearest tree) when a larger enemy threatens them. Hence the terms fraidy cat and scaredy-cat !

Some people still believe the myth that tennis rackets and violin strings are made from catgut . Thankfully, this is NOT true! In the German language, the word "kitgut" was used to describe a small fiddle, which led to a confusion through the translation of words and an age-old question.

Someone who is experiencing a bad case of anxiety or nervous agitation is often called a cat on a hot tin roof . This term was firmly planted in our minds when the famous play by the same name was written by playwright Tennessee Williams. The British use the expression cat on hot bricks instead...presumably because they like to be different from Americans!

Nine lives, nine tails. In olden days, a savage tool called the cat o'nine tails was often used to administer a very painful flogging as punishment. Originated in Egypt, it is possible that the original device was made from the hide of cats. Three separate knottings of three strands each were affixed to the whip's handle. It was the mystical number nine again that kept the feline superstitiously and wrongly associated with this murderous practice.

The ancient Egyptians assigned cats and dogs as companions to the gods and goddesses who ruled over climate, and the cat was associated with rain, while dogs were associated with wind. A really heavy storm, which combined lashing strong winds and torrential rain down-pouring, indicated that both cats and dogs had a hand in the storm, i.e., it was raining cats and dogs ! Another possible explanation of this term is that in early 17th century London, cats and dogs often did their mice-hunting on the rooftops of buildings. It certainly does rain a lot in London, and the poor animals were sometimes caught there during a storm, to be washed from the rooftops, over the eaves, and to fall on the top of startled passersby.

Interestingly, when we really like someone, we often call them pussycats . However, we also refer to people as a sourpuss ! Even though cats are very expressive creatures, not many people can honestly say they have seen their cat scowl! In ancient languages, the word "buss" referred to the face, and especially the mouth and lips. Over time, the word changed from "buss" to "puss", and, well, you know!!

We don't understand why cats aren't immortalized for their quiet footsteps and cunning hunting abilities in a more positive way...when we say pussyfooting around , chances are that we are using the expression to describe someone who is acting just plain ol' sneaky!!

There are now more cats owned as pets than dogs in America. And, in the last 10 years, the number of cats we have sharing our homes has DOUBLED!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary - Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 752--- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I'm forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761----Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving in and out of their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, note must try at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair......must try doing this on their bed.

Day768---I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was given the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called (shampoo). What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of the thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771---There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they called " Beer". More importantly I over heard that my confinement was due to my Power of Allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774---I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half wit. The bird on-the-other-hand has got to be an informant he speaks with them on a regular basis. I am certain he is reporting on my every move. Due to his placement in a metal room his safety is assured. But, I can watch and I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

A Cat's Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs

10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!

Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is
as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise
known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
tapped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so
as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second
time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in
their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the
box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their
toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This
will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will
cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

MEALTIME:
Make sure to join your humans for every meal. They really like it
when you jump on the dining table, and explore the contents of their
plates, lapping up any excess gravy, or if you're really lucky,
food off their plate...one quick swipe of the paw and the chicken leg
can be yours!

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn
around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it
often. And don't forget guests.

What Goes Through A Cat's Mind

Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at awful hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to Molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

The Twelve Cats of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree,
My 12 cats were laughing at me

On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands
And my 12 cats laughing at me

On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels, 5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents, 6 fallen angels, 5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments, 7 half-dead rodents, 6 fallen angels, 5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings, 8 shattered ornaments, 7 half-dead rodents, 6 fallen angels, 5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs, 9 chewed-through light strings, 8 shattered ornaments, 7 half-dead rodents, 6 fallen angels, 5 shredded gifts, 4 males a-spraying, 3 missing Wise Men, 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
6 fallen angels
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

Things Cats Must Try to Remember

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them!

A Cat Poem: Training Your Humans - Author Unknown

"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
As felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new Berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...

When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn.)
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how.)
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special KittyKomfortBed with nonallergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.

Cat Quiz!

Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look !

Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
A: Shredded tweet !

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A: cat-a-log !

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'

Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!

A Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sits there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

Sun Sign Astrology for Cats
(Author unknown)

ARIES Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
The Aries Cat is adventurous and energetic, always exploring new areas.
Aries cats love to dash about, check out wherever they are. Their pioneering
nature leads them in new directions. Their confidence and impulsiveness
sometimes gets them into precarious situations, whether it be following a
mouse into a corner that's a little too tight or chasing that ball a little
too fast on hardwood floors. But the Aries cat will always firmly and boldly
entails jumping on top of the refrigerator.

TAURUS Apr. 20 to May 20
The Taurus Cat is loving and cuddly. Taurus cats need their owner's laps and
will put up with almost anything just to sit in them. They also love to lay
in front of a fire or curled on a blanket. The Taurus cat relishes time with
his owner, but will ignore the owner from time to time just to keep a little
mystery. Taurus cats are quiet and peaceful and are most comfortable when
all is well and secure in their world, especially if there's a scratching
post, or sofa, nearby.

GEMINI May 21 to June 21
The Gemini Cat is a lively cat that gets along anywhere and with most other
cats. Gemini cats love to involve their owners in every aspect of their
lives, which often includes sharing a recent catch from the back yard. At
any age, Gemini cats are youthful and exuberant, inquisitive and a bit
devilish. The Gemini cat is versatile and adaptive and absolutely loves a
good romp.

CANCER June 22 to July 22
The Cancer Cat is protective and caring. When no one is looking, Cancer cats
practice arching their backs and hissing. Cancer cats are also emotional and
intuitive; they know what's on their owner's mind even if they don't care.
Cancer cats can be sensitive and tender, intuitively understanding all that
is going on around them. Except why that thing keeps swinging back and forth
on the grandfather clock.

LEO July 23 to Aug. 22
The Leo Cat is powerful and faithful. They are enthusiastic, full of energy
and come when they're called, which makes them the topic of gossip among
other cats. Leo cats head pell mell into everything they do. From chasing
shadows and dust bunnies to batting around squeak toys, these are active
dynamic cats. Leo cats are convinced they are the masters of all they
survey, the Leo, after all is a member of the family. Above all, Leo cats
are faithful and loyal to their owners, except when a little catnip is at
issue.

VIRGO Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The Virgo Cat is modest and demure. While the Virgo cat knows he's
attractive and handsome, he's reluctant to show off. He knows those frequent
baths pay off. The Virgo cat is also reliable and diligent, able to stare at
a vent for hours without moving a muscle and then dash off without waiting
for a single word of praise. Of course, the Virgo cat overcomes his natural
shyness the minute there's a mention of salmon treats.

LIBRA Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
The Libra Cat is easy going and sociable. Libra cats are relaxed in any
situation, except maybe those that involve rambunctious children. They love
when their owners entertain, often rubbing the legs of the guests for that
added touch of hospitality. Libra cats also mingle with the other cats in
the neighborhood, and they accept whatever comes their way with a smile and
a soft purr. They don't get worked up over anything, except for really
appetizing cat food commercials.

SCORPIO Oct. 24 to Nov. 22
The Scorpio Cat is determined and focused. Whether it's a mouse that needs
to be chased or a sunbeam that needs to be laid in, the Scorpio cat will
perform the task with unrelenting resolve. Scorpio cats are also passionate
and they enjoy everything they do. They are as intense playing and having
fun as they are giving themselves a bath. They will focus on whatever they
are doing or on an object of their desire with unbroken concentration, or
until they hear a tuna can in the opener.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 to Dec. 21
The Sagittarius Cat is carefree and loves his freedom. Open spaces and open
doors are irresistible invitations to wander and explore. Sagittarius cats
are happy, especially when they are outside. It's nice if their owners come
out to play, but if not, there are plenty of activities and adventures to
keep the Sagittarius cat busy and happy for hours. They also have boundless
energy and are happiest when they out in the open. Of course, being inside
getting a special cat treat also ranks pretty high on the list as well.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The Capricorn Cat is patient, careful and deliberate. They don't seem to
mind waiting for what they want. They know that eventually, they'll get
whatever it is. They'll sit quietly and calmly in the living room, just
waiting to pounce once that curtain moves again. Capricorn cats are also
committed to their routines. They like certain parts of the house, certain
toys and certain people. Any kind of fish, however, is perfectly acceptable.
The Capricorn cat is also very disciplined, he wants his owner to know he
can be counted on. Especially when the scratching post needs a good workout.

AQUARIUS Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The Aquarius Cat is friendly and loyal. Aquarius cats love to just hang out
with their owners no matter what they are doing, unless it involves bathtubs
and water. Aquarius cats enjoy a warm sunbeam, a soft blanket or a fluffy
pillow as long as his owner is close by. Aquarius cats are also independent
and inventive, always looking for new and different ways to hiss at dogs,
spook the goldfish and unravel the yarn in the knitting basket. The Aquarius
cat is a true friend in every way, even if there hasn't been any catnip
around for awhile.

PISCES Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
The Pisces Cat is a kind and loving cat, even around water. They are caring
and giving cats, willing to share a toy, a lap or a bird brought in from the
yard. Because of their selfless nature they come when they are called,
hoping for a treat, but happy with some strokes along the back. Change never
upsets them and they adapt to whatever their owner wants. They also enjoy
quiet time, comfortable with themselves and content with their lives. The
Pisces cat is willing to take anything that comes along, especially is it
tastes like salmon.

Page updated 10/10/2002

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