Title: Home Isn’t Where His Heart is Anymore
By: Kathryn2
Rated: K

Codes: J/C
Hankie Warning (Been told)
© 2000, 2005

Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager I just borrowed their characters...

 

 

~/\~

 

Janeway and Chakotay are expecting their first child. But when tragedy strikes Janeway fears he does not love her anymore. Per Say Home Ain't Were His Heart Is Anymore.

Janeway and Chakotay are waiting anxiously for their shore leave to begin. They are going to the planet Miraco I. They are both very pleased.

"Now Chakotay I want you to make sure the captain gets plenty of rest.  These are the most critical period during the development of the fetus. She has already been over stressed and not eating as well as she should."

"That's because every time she eats something she can't hold it down.  What am I supposed to do?"

"She is suffering from morning sickness 60% of all pregnancies have this discomfort. But in a case that she is not even capable of holding down ice chips she has a severe illness."

"What is it called?"

"Severe Hyperemisis, it could be extremely dangerous for her and the child. She may need hospitalization."

"What can I give her to settle her stomach? Hypospray perhaps?"

"The captain has already told me she doesn't want any of that. But between you and me she won't last long. She only found out last month about this child and hasn't come to me for anything; I think she wants to be strong."

"Than it's a very good thing that she isn't here to yell at me because nothing is worse than a pregnant woman and her emotions, they tend to fly off the handle occasionally."

"I won't mention it.  Is that all because she is probably ranting mad because I am late and I won't hear then end of it for some time."

"Sure, I'll see you in a few days. But if anything goes wrong contact me we should be around for at least a day.  However if you can't contact me just look up what you need and do it."

Chakotay nods and leaves sickbay.

Later in cargo bay 3 Janeway is clearly upset and pacing the deck. She hears the sound of his footsteps and looks up.

"Where have you been? If I were dying I would have died already."

"Sorry, I had a few last minute things to do everything is here so we can leave almost immediately. Let's board the Delta Flyer it will be a long trip."

"You won't get away so easily next time Mr. Chakotay I just want off of this ship."

He laughs with her and they board the Delta Flyer

Two days later they have landed on the planet and stretch their legs. The fresh air was a wonderful smell Janeway was grateful it didn't take any longer than two days or she would have felt that space sickness was worse than morning sickness.  She didn't get that bad but Chakotay felt as if he had never been there her for the entire trip besides sleeping next to her.  Even at meal time she avoided the sight of food and Chakotay began to worry that what the doctor has stated was happening to his lover.

"Chakotay I am so grateful that we are done flying. In never got space sickness except that one time, but being pregnant and flying doesn't mix with me well."

"We still have to fly back you know."

"Don’t' remind me, just knock me out and tell me when we reach VOYAGER."

"Not likely, let’s go make camp."

"Camp? You know that I am not a camper Chakotay why are we camping?"

"Just a little adventure I conjured up and I knew that you wouldn't come if you knew that we were camping."

"But Chakotay, I already told you I was very much a girl of the 24th century. Why change now?"

"By the time I am through with you, you will be a camper and I intended to take out child on camping trip with his..."

"Or her."

"His or her mother no matter what she thinks she is."

He tenderly places his large hand on her slightly swollen abdomen vaguely showing any signs of her condition yet. After all she was only two-and-a- half months along. Janeway places her hand on top of his and smile up at her lover; with a kiss he seals the laughter.

"Let's go lassie."

The gather their belongings, Chakotay and carrying more than his packaging. Janeway is only carrying her carry-on bag with a shoulder strap. Chakotay wouldn't let her carry any more that that for the sake of the child inside. He was going to watch her like a hawk!

Later that evening Janeway was looking better than she had and sits by the fire with Chakotay's arms safely and securely around her. This was going to be the best shore leave they would ever go on.

"I love the firelight Chakotay don't you?"

"Most definitely, but I was raised around campfires and loved them ever then. They seem so mysterious, like they know what we are feeling as they glow brightly at our feet. The firelight reflecting off of our faces. Breathtaking!"

He lets out a loud sigh Janeway smiles and rests her head on Chakotay's shoulder contently. They were so much in love that the animals would have seen it. The aroma of love was on their land and they welcomed it.

"We had better get to sleep, you need rest and so does our child, why don't we go to sleep. We can continue it in the morning when we go on a walk."

"A walk?"

"Don't worry it will be flat the entire way. I wouldn't want you to be bothered or injured."

"I'll try but with morning sickness it might not work. You never know when it will occur."

"You'll be fine."

Chakotay allows Janeway to climb into the tent first with him following closely behind when he closes the door behind him he climbs into the double sleeping bag with Janeway. He had the love of his life in his arms drifted slowly into a dream world with his lover and child close behind.

The next morning Janeway awakens to a familiar discomfort. Her stomach gurgled and she felt as if she would loose everything she climbed out of the sleeping bag and outside to take a breather.

"Wow! If I knew that you would be this much trouble I would have thought twice before having you."

Janeway says as she places a hand to her stomach. No matter what she was feeling she knew that she did the right thing in keeping this child. She never would have thought other wise a few months ago when she wasn't careful. No matter how much her mother told her to be careful, she had always been too careful it never happened. Now when her mother wasn't around to tell how she felt she let her mind caught up in the cross fires she failed to hear her mother's voice penetrating her mind.

"Well, its' going to be a long day."

She lifts her head and is overwhelmed with dizziness she almost fainted. But when he reached the door he saw Janeway sitting on some rocks with her head down between her legs. Chakotay runs to her rescue only to find out she was experiencing morning sickness.

"Are you okay Kath?"

"Yes, the baby just wanted to let me know she/he was still there. It's quite a surprise that I have a child growing inside of me now."

"I know what you mean. Who thought that we would have a child together? I think it's a wonderful feeling of love."

"If you were having the child we would have never had any. You wouldn't be able to handle the changes I experience as a woman."

"True but I love the fact that it is ours. Only ours, no on else's it has our genes and everything. But what I really miss is the fact that I can't experience any of the movement our child does, every little one."

"But the baby won't move for another month or so. But when it does I'll make sure you can feel it too."

A smile stretches across Janeway's face and Chakotay but is quickly gone when she leans over and vomits into some bushes. Chakotay only thought that rubbing her back would make her feel more comfortable.

Later that evening, Janeway fails to be able to keep anything down including water. When ingested shortly there after she was found in some brush or trees. Now she lies down in Chakotay's arms. Closing her eyes only seems to make the nausea and dizziness go away.

"Kath, I tried to contact the Doctor but they must no longer be in orbit or he would have called us. I am afraid I have to treat you."

"For what?"

"The Doctor said you could develop hyperemisis."

"What is that?"

"Well you haven't been able to keep anything down, and you need to eat for the baby. With you vomiting after every attempt the baby. Isn’t getting any nourishment. It could be in trouble as well as you."

"Fine, just slowly get up or you may get vomited on. Although I really don't have anything inside my stomach. Dry heaving is bad enough. Just be careful."

"I will."

He lifts her head slowly and reaches for the med kit packed by the Doctor. A hypospray was already waiting with several other things. He pulls it out and lifts her head gently. Janeway lets out an audible grown as a hiss sound goes off and she opens her eyes.

"That was nice. I think I am feeling better already."

"Think you’re ready for some soup broth?"

Janeway swallows her and cringes.

"No, I don’t' think so."

"Thank you."

She attempts but the smell reeked and she ran to some nearby brush.

The days go by and Janeway ahs only been able to keep little broth down. She is resting next to Chakotay during the night when a pain crosses her abdomen. Thinking it is nothing she lays down again. When another one crosses her abdomen she gasps quietly. Climbing out of the sleeping bag she finds her way to the door and exits. Half double over in pain she falls to her knees. Janeway awakens the sleeping Chakotay and he runs to her rescue.

"Are you okay!"

I think so, I am experiencing a little pain but the Doctor said it could be normal."

"That does not look like it is only a little. You fell to your knees."

"I guess it is a little worse than I thought."

"How much worse?"

She looks up to him the moon light glows off of her face. He can see tears falling and the "Motherly Glow "fading in her eyes.

"Is something wrong with the baby Kath?"

"I don't know I never was pregnant before. Gut I think there is something wrong with the baby Kath?"

"I don't know I never was pregnant before. But I think there is something wrong with it."

Chakotay picks her up and carries her to the tent. Janeway is still crying but she tries to not make it look like she is fine. She knows that the child she is carrying will soon be just a vessel with no life. She just can't find the heart to let Chakotay know until he is ready.

The morning comes soon and Chakotay is out getting some more water for her broth. Janeway is inside the tent still laying a fetal position. She knows her child is fading fast and she just wants to keep the felling that she is pregnant. When she gets up a wave of dizziness make her sway on her feet. As she gets out of the sleeping bag she turns and sees a pool of blood at her feet. She gasps; the child she is carrying is no more. Tears fall harshly to her cheeks; small gasps escape her lips as she turns away.

"Chakotay."

Her voice quivers

Chakotay dashes into the tent and takes Janeway into his arms. As he cradles her sobbing beneath his chin he sees that the child she once carried was gone.

"It's okay honey, just relax and take some deep breaths. I think we should try and contact the ship again to make sure you are okay?"

"I tried Chakotay, I really tried to save this child but I was unable to do. I am so sorry, but we will have more children right?"

"Yes, now let’s take care of you and try and not think about it."

Chakotay looses that fatherly expression, and he realized that this could happen again. He fights back tears from making their appearance. He should be strong for her.

Later the sleeping bag is hanging on a nearby trees brand drying. Janeway is lying down in Chakotay's arms crying. Rocking her back and forth he hums a tune trying to relax and comfort his lover.

"VOYAGER to Chakotay can you hear us?"

"Yes Tuvok, what happened?"

"Slight complication with communications we have been trying to contact you for three days."

"We are okay; beam our belongings to the transporters room."

"Yes sir."

"We'll be up in a few minutes, we have a few things to do before we leave we'll be ready in 10 minutes."

"Understood sir."

With a flash of blue light the equipment disappear. Janeway sighs heavily. Chakotay takes her into his arms and helps her to her feet. Weakly she winces in pain but quickly passes.

"Are you okay honey?"

"Just a little pain, I'll be fine in a few minutes but this I can tolerate, the pain of loosing our child was far deeper. I don't think I will ever remember any pain more than that."

"I know what you mean, seeing you in pain causes me pain. I don't want you to blame yourself."

"But it is my fault our son died I don't think I will ever loose that guilt."

"You will be just fine."

"Chakotay to VOYAGER beam us directly to sickbay, the Doctor will be expecting our return."

"Yes sir."

A flash of light and they disappear. Scanning in on a small grave they disappear completely. It simply read "Little One."

When they arrive in sickbay Janeway nearly collapses and then Chakotay catches her before she hits. The Doctor is waiting for them when Chakotay picks Janeway into his arms and lays her on a bio-bed. The Doctor knows something is up when he sees Janeway's pale, empty face.

"What happened Chakotay?"

"She got treat Hyper..."

"Hyperemisis."

"Yeah, but she was in a lot of pain earlier I thought it was because of the hyperemisis. So I went and got some water for her soup. Next thin I know she is frantically calling out my name."

"What was wrong?"

"I think she lost the baby she was carrying."

Doc pulls out his tricorder but before he scans her he called out Chakotay's name.

"Are you sure, she could have been just sore from hyperemisis."

"I am very sure; when I took her into my arms I saw it all over the sleeping bag."

"It?"

"The blood, it was bright rid and there was so much, I knew the child hadn't made it."

Doc continues to scan the unconscious Janeway and sighs.

"Yes, the baby didn't make it."

"I though so, is there anything you could do?"

"I could give her something for the pain and depression but her body will have to recover on its own. If she is depressed it will take longer you understand."

"Yes."

"I tend to her need and when I am finished you will be able to take her back to your quarters."

Chakotay nods.

Months go by and Janeway just hasn't recovered. She goes to the holodeck to clear her mind and the holodeck doors open to reveal a beautiful meadow with tall grass and flowers everywhere.  Janeway walks in and sighs, this program always makes her feel better but today it just wouldn't. Chakotay hasn't been intimate with her since it happened and she worries he doesn't love her like he use to.

Janeway Sings" (No really, I don't care if she doesn't sing or not, this is my story and I love music.)

Home Ain't Where His Heart Is Anymore

He knew hoe to reach me deep inside and he found a part of me I could not hide

And we'd walk and talk and touch tenderly

Then he'd lay me down and make love to me

Walking a narrow path arms up to chest

We built a love so strong and couldn't break

There was not a road we were afraid to take

And we'd kiss all the way from Arkansas to Rome

'Cause in each other's arms we were home sweet home

Looking up, and tears forming in her eyes

But he don't feel the same

 

Since our lives became

Years of bills, babies and chains

Falling down to her knees head down

Chorus:

Home ain't where his heart is anymore

He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door

But he don't lay his head down to love me like before

Home ain't where his heart is anymore

In a meadow full of flowers the wind blowing her hair gently as she brings her arms down to her lap

If foundations make of stone can turn to dust

Then the hardest hearts of steel can turn to rust

If he could only find that feeling once again

If we could only change the way the story ends

Tracing a stone nearby, feeling that this stone couldn't break and wonders how her life was turned upside down in an instant

But I live here alone

The love that built these wall is gone

Back to the narrow path looking into the glorious blue heavens knowing that her child was there waiting for her when they would be together again, for eternity!

Home ain't where his heart is anymore

He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door

But he don't lay his head down to love me like before

Meadow again, falling to her knees and praying wind moves more wildly and moves her hair

He don't lay his head down to love me like before

Home ain't where his heart is anymore

Home ain't where his heart is

Dropping head hands laid across her lab, and wiping the fallen tears from her eyes

Chakotay walks up to her and kneels down to her height

"That was beautiful Kathryn. But you must understand I love you no less but so much more."

Janeway looks up in astonishment

"I just was afraid to be close to you again, I was afraid that if you were ever to become pregnant again that I did not want to see you go through the pain you felt when you lost our son."

"I thought that you didn't love me anymore because I lost the first child, and that was the most difficult thing I ever been through. By having another child I thought it could help us recover."

"All I want is for you to be happy; I hate to see you so lost. When you lost that child I was afraid you were going to be the next if you had another."

"No I will be fine. After all women have been having babies since the beginning of time. What's one woman to stop it at all."

"Yes."

"Through the mouths of babies and pearls."

"What?"

"Nothing makes a woman happier than to have a child and in return get their love."

"Could we start over?"

"Yes!"

"Lets get started soon; my shift is over in a few hours."

"I'll be ready."

A smile walked across Janeway's face, all Chakotay could do was try to remember the last time she smiled like that. It has been a very long time and he was happy to see it again.

The End