Scott was the fourth of my four sons. He was 36 when he took a revolver and shot himself. He was smart and talented, but life had a way of working against him. He had been working at Hallmark in KC for two years (his first job after graduation from SMSU)when he died. More about him below.
I enlisted as a security policeman for a six year tour (I later re-enlisted). While in the Air Force I was stationed at four bases. My first was Lackland Air Force Base, in San Antonio Texas. I attended my basic training and tech school there and was then assigned to a permanent assignment as well. After a year there, I volunteered for a remote assignment, and I got orders for Taegu, Korea.
Korea was a one year assignment. To prepare for this assignment I had to learn the M-60 machine gun, the M-203 grenade launcher, and attended a seven week course for Air Base Ground Defense, taught at Camp Bullis in Texas. In Korea, I spent time doing flight-line security, visitor control, town patrol, and customs. I also learned to use the 81mm mortar and was on this team for the "Team Spirit" exercise which is a joint military exercise conducted every year in Korea.
My follow-on assignment after Korea was to Chicksands Royal Air Force base, near Shefford, England. I spent approximately six years there. I learned many of life's hard facts in England to include getting married to and then divorcing a British woman I met. At Chicksands I did several things. I’ve worked as a gate guard, patrolman, desk sergeant, instructor, and several other things.
In 1991, I was assigned to the Presidio of Monterey, in Monterey, California. This was an excellent assignment and great location. I worked as the Security Manager for a training squadron for Air Force students attending the Defense Language Institute.
In 1992, I left the Air Force as a Technical Sergeant to return to school and pursue my interest in a career in computers. I moved to Springfield, Missouri to attend Southwest Missouri State University. I pursued a bachelors degree in Computer Information Systems and graduated in Spring 1997. Prior to graduation I served two terms as an intern for the Monsanto Company; once at the Chocolate Bayou plant near Alvin Texas and once at the Luling Plant in Luling, Louisiana. Prior to graduation, I accepted a job offer from Hallmark Cards, and thats where I am now.
Thanks for taking an interest and I'd be grateful if you'd sign my Guest Book.
Briefly, Scott took his life last August 3rd. or 4th. He lived about four hours from us and had just been discharged from the hospital where he had been admitted for severe depression a week before. I had been trying to get him by phone and email for a day and a half. Finally, I called his work and found that he had not shown up the day he probably shot himself. He had never owned guns but purchased one two months before he died. The only people who knew of the gun were his psychiatrist and medical personnel at the hospital. I had no idea..... I have been in shock and deep mourning since then. Scott was not only my youngest son (I have three others), he was my best friend. I grieve for him, for the pain that led him to commit such a desperate act and I miss him terribly. A poem I wrote 3 months after he died:
Ashes on the mantel. Empty Thanksgiving table.
In the blink of a wild horse or an open bird
he was gone.
Downstairs, she packed and unpacked history,
spread it out,
stacked it to the ceiling.
Now, in the cold sweat of early morning
acorns break from the tree.
Hours on the patio, she waits
for the white Escort Pony to turn into the drive--
the familiar hum abruptly stopping,
door slamming, gate squeaking.
Walking towards her, he'll smile.
She'll feel his strong arms, the blood rushing through....
But, oh!
Only the sound of acorns falling....
Now, a year after
you lifted a gun to your head,
flower beds pass
into shadows.
Snow conceals a layer of leaves
on the ground.
From a bare limb of the Bradford Pear,
the ‘chik’ of a lone tree sparrow.
I imagine the sparrow as
you--bone chilled and empty.
Or could you be the wind
whistling through the honey locust,
disturbing the leaves?
Sometimes you are the changing shape
of a cloud.
Yesterday, when I learned of snow and ice
in Kansas City, I worried about you
in your small apartment with your
two cats and philodendron.
Then I realized...
past the mystery of sorrow
where the broken heart meets
the blue of loving,
where clouds gather sun
where trumpet vines whisper
and the mourner’s throat turns
a home for the soul
where I move into the light
find a new way to live.