On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
GREAT QUOTE TO START OFF YOUR WEEK!
Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a...is an empty box...filled with useless, brown paper wrappers. -
'Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man,' The X-Files
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Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
(Written by George Carlin of course)
1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
3. What's another word for synonym?
4. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
7. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
8.The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
FEW FUNNY QUOTES:
1) Semi-random organized chaos.
2) Why is simplification a longer word than complexity?
3) Parachute for sale. No strings attached.
4) Confused? Don't be so sure.
5) Today is the last day of the middle of the end of the beginning. It is also the first.
6) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
"The brain is a wonderful thing....it starts working the minute you get up and never quits until your boss asks you a question at work..."
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Boxer Alan Minter.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"I'll get a world record for this."
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
Few more from twistedhumor.com
BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Few nice and very "optimic" quotes:
* A penny saved is a government oversight.
* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
1. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
2. In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
3. On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
4. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
5. At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
6. In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."
7. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
8. At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
"Due to the current financial crisis facing the world at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off to save on electricity costs, until further notice.... "
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. ...
"We often don't see things as they are, we see things as we are!!!!!!" from Maria's quotes
Few more from "Quote of the Day"...
1. "Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the
universe are pointed away from Earth?"
2. "Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse." - Thomas Szasz
3. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook
4. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." - Lucille S. Harper
5. "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." - George Bernard Shaw
6."Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman
7."All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." ~Jane Wagner
8. "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." ~David Friedman
9."Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." ~Lily Tomlin
* When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I've never tried
* It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
* "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." ~Wernher von Braun
* "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." ~Albert Einstein
* "If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." ~Pat Bahn
* "Only a mediocre man is always at his best." ~W. Somerset Maugham
* When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. - Marcel Achard
* Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov
From Woody Allen...
( just for the record - I really like his movies)
*"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This
is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot
remember where they left things."
* "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
* "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
* What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
* "It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
* "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
* "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
Few funny qoutes:
1. "The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him."
2."An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing."
3. "Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it."
- Philip K. Dick
4. "A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
- Arthur Block
5. "A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition."
-G. K. Chesterton
6. "There will always be two kinds of people: those who say what they think, and those who keep their friends."
7."Reputation is character minus what you've been caught doing."
8. "Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."
- Mark Twain
9. "At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche."
- Stanislaw Lec
10."Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?"
- George W. Pachaud
Things to say when stressed at work
- okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!
- you say i'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!
- well this day was a total waste of make-up
- well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?!
- don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
- EXCUSE ME...Do I look like a people person??!
- This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting
- I started out with nothing, still have most of it left
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
- Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
- I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- sarcasm is just one more service I offer
- do they ever shut up on your planet?
- stress is when you wake up scraming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
- back off!!! you're standing in my aura.
- don't worry. I forgot your name too.
- I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
- not all men are annoying. some are dead.
- chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done
- ambivalent? well yes and no
- you look like shit. is that the style now?
- earth is full. go home.
- aw, did I step on you poor little bitty ego?
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
- if assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin' airport.
- Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality...
- Good News! The proctologist called. They found your head!
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Allow me to introduce my selves