Computer Quotes & Jokes

Computer Quotes & Jokes

Jokes && Quotes collected from around the Net

*The difference between Drug Dealers and Software Developers*

Drug dealers	Software developers

Refer to their clients as "users"	Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"	"Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).	Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: "Stick" "Rock" "Wrap""E" "Stash" "Drive by" "Hit (LSD)" "Source" "The Pigs"	Strange jargon: "SCZI" "RTFM" "Packet" "C" "Cache" "CTRL ALT DEL" "Hit (WWW)" "Source-code" "Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.	Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.	Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.	Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and lowlifes	Often seen in the company of agents, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive	When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive.
A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers	A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers
Their product causes unhealthy addictions	DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D, Diablo, Delta Force, 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.	!@#$%^&*

Top 12 Things you DONT want to hear from Tech Support
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Despite lucrative rewards, a COBOL programmer became weary of the constant demands and tribulations of millenium projects and looked for an escape. After careful consideration he decided to have himself frozen in a cryogenic chamber, to be revived in January 2001 when the whole mess would be over.
He awoke from the deep freeze to find himself surrounded by an excited group, in a hospital, surrounded by strange looking equipment.
"Is it over?" he asked the group.
'Certainly is.' Replied the leader of the group 'But we have some good news and some bad news.'
'What's the bad news first?' he asked
'Unfortunately the cryogenic chamber was not year 2000 compliant, and you have been asleep for almost eight thousand years.' The leader replied somberly.
'Wow, so what's the good news?'
'The good news is that we have a highly paying job ready for you. You see, it is now the year 9999,
and your resume says that in 1999 you were a COBOL programmer....'

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God. God - "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, Well, what's the difference between the two? God said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help our decision. Fine, but where should I go first? I'll leave that up to you. Okay then, said Bill, let's try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. This is great, he told God. If this is hell, I really want to see heaven. Fine, said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell. He told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. How's everything going? He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment. This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?
Oh, God said, ......that was Hell 3.1. ...This is Hell 95.

Situation - Boss asks Tech to evaluate digital cameras to use for photographing products.
Tech's Responce - Does research; ready for presentation; even brings in own camera for Show & Tell.
Boss's Question - "Where do you put in the film?"
Tech's Answer - "It's a digital camera."
Boss's Responce - "We'd better not purchase one right now, in that case, since neither of us knows where to get digital film developed."

Situation - Boss's laptop screen has been gradually getting dimmer for a while, but now it's gone completely black.
Tech's Answer - "We'll have to send it in to be serviced and maybe order a new laptop for you,"
Boss's Reponce - "Can't you just change the bulb?"

"How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room."
-- Ross Clement

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
- Joseph Campbell

"Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history,
with the possible exception of tequila and handguns."
- Carl Gundlach

"Well, lets just say, if your VCR is still blinking 12:00, you don't want Linux."
- Unknown

"If it's a hobby for us and a job for you, then why are you doing such a shoddy job?"
- Linus Torvalds to Microsoft

I sense much NT in you.
NT leads to Blue Screen.
Blue Screen leads to downtime.
Downtime leads to suffering.
NT is the path to the darkside.
- Unknown Unix Jedi

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. -
Ferenc Mantfeld

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
- Janet Minor

Progress (n.): The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals
to dumb people in front of smart terminals. - obs@burnout.demon.co.uk

"Over the last few years, in a rush to exploit a society driven by buzzwords and Microsoft press releases, computer book publishers have spewed out a mountain of meaningless books, at best worthy of being used as toilet paper and in some cases not even. This constant onslaught of garbage has left the task of finding good books about as difficult as getting Internet Explorer uninstalled. The good books are out there, but they are swamped in a sea of "Build your own ...", "... in C++", and "Advanced ..." trash." - Noam Zeilberger

"Win98 is just like a higher quality heroin.. it's still not good for us." - Capone

"Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that there must be exactly three terminations: one on one end of the cable, one on the far end, and the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning *black* candles." - Anthony DeBoer

"SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then." - John Woods

"If this e-mail threat can be taken seriously, Littman can expect much worse.I'm speaking from experience. Two years ago, after I co-wrote a book about hackers, my E-mailbox was vandalized and my home phone number repeatedly rerouted - once to an out-of-state answering machine, once to a phone sex number, once to 1-800-EAT-SHIT. It took a year, half a dozen different unlisted numbers and a squad of phone-company security guys with phone taps before the problem mercifully disappeared. And I won't even mention the lawsuit. Write another hacker book? I'd rather take on the Scientologists."
- Joshua Quittner, TIME Magazine

"On one occasion, a lady came into the store, apparently interested in buying a home computer. After surveying the models on display, she walked over to one and pointed to the monitor and keyboard saying, "I think I need one of these, and one of those...." She then pointed to the CPU and continued, "...but I don't think I need one of those." - Unknown

"I own a computer store. One day, two policemen came into the store and told that they owned a 486 and a 286. They asked if a 486 and a 286 could be assembled together into a 686. I replied to the dumb request by asking them if two 200 horsepower police cars can be used to make up a 400 horsepower Ferrari. The policemen didn't get it and replied angrily that altering car engines is strictly forbidden by law." - Unknown

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Customer: "I turned on my computer, and it just sits there. What do I do?"
Tech Support: "Is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: "Yes, of course."

Through the course of our conversation, I discovered she was calling the monitor the computer and the computer the disk drive. So I clarified.
Tech Support: "Is the little gray tower with the slots in it plugged in?"
Customer: "No, but it doesn't need to be."

I helped her get the system working, but she returned it anyway. She said, quote, "I couldn't get no hard drives programmed into the CPU."
The return was accepted without hesitation.

I spoke with a woman who appeared to be knowledgeable about computers and wanted to inquire as to which modem to purchase. She asked which ISPs were supporting 56K modems, how noisy the phones lines were, the pros and cons about voice modems, and so forth. After determining which modem would best meet her requirements, she asked, "How much more hard drive space will this give me?" Then, before I could recover enough to answer, she asked, "Or would a trackball be better to speed up my computer?"

A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."

Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine.

His reply: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."

Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

"I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

A user that called the other day, complaining that all her files were "garbage" and that I should take her computer back and fix them. It turned out she was looking at system files (MSDOS.SYS, etc). She couldn't read the binary code and assumed, therefore, that the files were corrupted.

One user asked if he could use his cdrom to play music CDs. I said he could, but he would need speakers or headphones. He replied that he didn't have either, but in the mean time, he would listen to the music coming out of the little hole (headphone jack). I nodded and left quickly.

"I was a programmer at a company that had only one copy of the Visual C++ CD. Initially, I had done a minimal install to save disk space. Later on, I needed the help files, so I tracked down the CD and tried to do a full install. This was unsuccessful -- I got read errors on the CD. Someone had decided that the CD key needed to be on the disk itself in addition to being on the sticker on the jewel case and had scratched it into the label side of the CD, destroying the disk." - Unknown

"I used to be a technician on the U.S.S. Ranger, an aircraft carrier, just before the Gulf War. A new commanding officer had just come on board, and, in preparation for our excursion out to Iraq, he ordered that we go through all our spaces and ensure that everything was secured in place, so that if we hit rough seas, or hit something explosive, there wouldn't be debris flying everywhere. Fairly standard routine.
About two days later, the Ranger's marine detachment called my shop and said, "Our computer is broken." So I head down to the detachment office to take a look. These PCs were the old Zenith Z-248 desktop models, secured with four zillion screws and weighing in at what seemed like half a ton. Our marines had taken the order to secure things pretty seriously, because they had done it with two half inch lag bolts. They had drilled straight through the case, the mother board, the bottom of the case,and the desk it was sitting on, to drop the lag bolts in place.
They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they knew that it wasn't going anywhere. "

Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks.
Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games.
Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers.
I don't want to talk about it.

"I went on site for a system that had no display. I tried another video card, but the system seemed really dead. When I asked the user for more details, she said that someone had put a password on the CMOS, and she wanted to get rid of it. She had read in a PC repair book about using a jumper to clear the CMOS, which is true for some systems. But when she opened the case, she found quite a few jumpers on the motherboard. Undeterred, she began rearranging all of the jumpers (with the system turned on). Hard to say which component fried first. Oh well, time to upgrade anyhow. " - Unknown Tech

Other People's Humor Links
Layperson's guide to programming languages
What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car
Signatures Seen On The Net
A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING
Bastard Operator from Hell Official Archive
Bastard Operator from Hell (Complete WWW Edition)
Official Adminspotting Page
BOFH - Style Excuse Server by Jeff Ballard

A Few Favs:
The Tech Song, Excellent Security, MS better than Linux, Tech Energy, Reason for Certification,
Certifiable, Games @ Work, Games @ Work 2, Gates Blast, AOL More Evil Than MS, Quake Fatique, Physical Maintance

A Few Favs:
Make it Work, Love Glitches, Comp's Bad Day, Startup, Comp Like Wine

More To Come...
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