I Wanted This For You

By James T. Kirk


Spock,

It was great to get your letter. Thanks for writing even though I told you not to bother. For a while I thought you thought I meant that! HaHa. Thanks for the picture. You look fine. Nice suit. You and Anne look great together. She sure looks happy. How do you like California? Go to the ocean much? Of course you do...you've got a kid, you have to go. You have to take him to the woods too. And get the kid a dog. A kid like that needs a dog.

I'm sorry, I forgot the boy's name. Does the he call you Father or Dad or Pops or Mr. Spock or Spock or what? I forgot to ask before, but you know, there was a lot going on! He sure seemed impressed by you when I met him at the wedding. Boy, that's something to talk about at show and tell - "My Stepdad's a Vulcan". Cute kid. Reminds me of me at that age a little. What a lucky kid! I wish I'd had you for a Daddy at that age. Actually, no, because you are only 3 years older than me. You would have made a pretty squatty little Dad! Bet you could have handled me better than my parents did even then. HaHa.

Your parents finally can breathe again. How does Amanda like your instant family? Gotta hand it to you: you found a way to make her a grandma after all. Bet she's ecstatic about that, and about Anne, and about you with your own home on Terran soil and your own business. Wow.

How's that working out with all your Vulcan relatives buying up suburban homes all around you? That must be flattering on one level for you, but it's not exactly what you had in mind, is it?

You can't imagine how different the Enterprise feels without you around. We're not exactly sloppy now but we have definitely slumped. You had a way of influencing everybody to do a little extra, now people seem to be looking for new excuses to knock off a little early. Sometimes I force the issue and knock them off myself. I finally got a belly full of the Gormer/Masaca/Brighton drama and transferred them all off - in 3 different directions! You remember what a mess. Well, after my inspiring little lecture last November it only got worse. I thought women were supposed to be the gentle sex! Boy, when Lesbians break up, they don't fool around! Probably the real reason you see so few of them is few survive their first affair.

Bruscard and Hwang got married. I performed the ceremony myself. Nothing to it. I was a little nervous after what happened the first time, but I'm not superstitious, I just learn from experience. This time I insisted they wait until we were in orbit around a nice, safe, boring little planet first. They appreciated it. Bruscard's been offered an administrative position with HQ, so they are leaving soon too. The Enterprise is starting to seem like Noah's Ark thrown into reverse. Two by two (sometimes three) everyone is leaving me.

Scotty and I were really missing your magic touch recently, but we handled it. Scott's a wonder worker, as you know. One solid individual. You didn't think any of the others would miss you but you are wrong. Scott misses you frequently. Uhura asks for news of your doings, and she's not just being polite, she's really interested. When I told her you had retired from Fleet service and had gone into private business, she was shocked (of course) but honestly happy for you. She agrees with me that you are going to be a billionaire.

You can't lose. You have got so much going for you it's just plain not fair. Boy, if I wasn't so eager to cheer your victories over your competitors I might even feel sorry for them. Those poor saps! They'll never know what hit them!

I should know. Look at me. I'm still reeling, and I'm the one that wanted this.

I should know. I've seen you at work. Anne should know too, how ruthless you can be, but I couldn't bring myself to pity her enough to warn her

Who am I kidding? I am not going to send this insipid letter. I'm also not going to send you what I wish I could send you, my still beating heart in a little box full of tissue paper. Can't give what you don't have, and I don't have a heart anymore because you RIPPED IT OUT AND TOOK IT WITH YOU. You've already got the best I ever could give anybody. What more can I do?

What do you give the man who has everything? Nothing, that's what. You just get out of his way so he can go ahead and do things that do not include you. But I'm not bitter!

Yes I am. I'm bitter.

Spock, I don't blame you. I love you. I love you so damn much I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I wish I would go crazy. If I could just lose it and be completely out of my head that would be such a relief but the demons of my personal hell apparently have more refined tortures in mind for me. I'm supposed to stay sane, and remember and understand everything, and I'm never going to forget you and I'm never going to forgive myself for the way I screwed everything up.

I blame myself. I do. I understand what happened, now. I understand everything. More now than ever I understand you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I should feel grateful I had a chance with you at all. I thought I knew what I was doing, I really did. I was an idiot.

God, I miss you. I just plain miss you. I told you, before I left you there with your new life that I was going to forget you and I expected you to forget me too, but I don't mind admitting I was wrong about that. That was wrong! I wish I could take those words back - I do! I eat every one of them. I'll never forget you. Never. Never. I can't even put you out of my mind for a minute. Your spirit haunts me. You come to me in my dreams, and I have to ask ~is that you~? Are you doing that on purpose!? I wouldn't put it past you.

I lied. I don't want you to forget me. I want you to remember me and all we've been to each other. Ha! I want you to come to your senses and dump that bitch and call me from Benecia and tell me to get off my god-damned high horse and relinquish my command and do what you did - Fuck 'em! Chuck it all and come live with you! Oh, yeah! That'll happen!

In my dreams I'd do it, but we don't live in dreams. You know what would happen to our shiny little place in history if we pulled a stunt like that. I didn't go through all of this just to become a laughingstock. BUT WHAT DID I DO IT FOR SPOCK!? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS ANYMORE.

I used to have other reasons before you, real good ones! But since you, my reason is you. Now that I don't have you, I have no reasons that make any sense. I'm just going through the motions, repetitively, like a machine, except machines don't feel pain, and I do. It's all I've got anymore. That, and the increasingly shaky idea that we did the right thing.

I wanted you to be happy, are you? That was the idea. All this sacrifice was for you, IS for you. I wanted what's best for you, I didn't care about myself. I exist for you. I ache for you. I want you here right now. I know it's impossible and it doesn't do any good to dwell on it, but my memories of you are sweetest things in my mind, and it's like not eating cookies when they are on a plate right in front of me. Even though it's killing me I'm sitting here wishing you were here and remembering your kiss, your strong arms, your beautiful cock. I know you are the same way about me. I know you are missing me and kicking yourself for losing me, and wishing I was there with you.

I know you that well. I do! Why else did you even write to me!? I really should send this fucking letter and dare you to read it.


Copyright James Kirk 2271

Silly Trek Obsession

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