|Ask Mr T|
|Advice from the world famous star of teevee's|
I have a problem. We are desperately short of funds but my Husband is insisting on buying a new family car. With the recent birth of our second child, our old car is just far too small. The fact that we have no money will not stop him, he is insistent and I fear that he will turn to crime in order to get the extra funds. What should I do?
Elsie Tanner, Loughborough
Godamn, there's no reason for the fool to turn to crime. Listen up, this is what you're gonna do. First, get some bad guys to lock your husband up in the garage with an old lawnmower, a flamethrower, some sheets of metal and a rivet gun and then just sit back and wait. To make good his escape your husband will use the materials to hand to build himself a brand new five door family saloon in order to smash his way out through the garage doors to freedom. Easy.
I was just wondering, what exactly is your favourite in flight snack? Do you like peanuts or are boiled sweets your preference?
Rob Royle, Bannockburn
FOOL! Why you askin me a damn jive question like that? You know I don't fly nowhere. You know I ain't gettin on no airplane, FOOL!
(But if I did, I reckon it would be the sucky sweets.)
Could you please fix it for me to rule the world. I need to rule the world I think that I would be a nice dictator and I would only needlessly execute people who needlessly need executing. Once again Mr. T please please fix it for me.Your biggest fan King monkey trainer
p.s if you do this for me I will stay in school, not do drugs and I will drink milk
King_Monkey_trainer via e-mail
Hot damn, you aren't asking for much there now are you boy? Rule the world, mmmm....right. Now listen up fool this is what you gonna do. First, to rule the world you gotta have certain abilities. Like can you drive a big black truck with a bad mother red stripe down the side? Can you pick bad guys up, lift them above your head and throw them across the room in sudden slow motion at several camera angles all at once? Can you walk around with 452lb of gold chain hangin round your neck without bustin yer weenie out of your pants? No? well I can fool and that's why I'M gonna be the ruler of the world not you! I'm gonna sit on a throne of gold an all the fine ladies are gonna have mohicans by law. An don't you stand in my way come that day boy cos Mr T rules the world, everybody knows that!!! Keep drinking the milk though, Mr T likes Milk. Milk and Chicken. You get me a milky chicken and you got yourself a friend for life.
They are out to get me, for years they have harrassed me and made me the butt of their cruel jokes but now they have taken it all a step further and made a web page about me! What can I do to stop them? I think I know the b*st*rd who is responsible, but then again I might be wrong. Either way, how can I take on the Cheeky Monkey Collective and win?
Mat Davy (aka the Monkey God) via e-mail
You sound like you're in serious trouble boy! In serious trouble with the medical profession that is, you damn crazy paranoid fool! Mr T says you should go and get a Doctor to examine your soft blonde head! Who's out to get you exactly? A secret collective? Damn, we all know that there's only one serious underground organisation in the whole world and that's 'The A Team' and we wouldn't be wasting our time on an easy pasty child like you. We got serious issues to be dealing with like gun smugglers and drug cartels and pussy bandits....uh...just check that last one fool, that's private business for Mr T. Anyway, quit wasting my time with your sorry monkey fixations and go lie down.
P.S You gonna loose anyway vagrant, no-body can stand up against the monkey's roar, everyone knows that. Best start weeping fool! .
|Yo T Man,
I was just wondering. Matter of factly. Whether it is OK to be sexually
attracted to a bucket. I mean it's a great looking bucket, it's got a
wide top, thin bottom, the rim is as round as quarter and it's got this
great coat of blue paint.But somehow I don't think it's normal.
The worse part it the fact that the bucket doesn't like me back. I mean
it won't answer my calls, go out for dinner and I can't even think
about getting it into bed. What should I do?
Barmee, via e-mail
Well damn! A bucket with a wide top and a thin bottom. Whoever heard of anyone being attracted to anything with a thin bottom? Man there has got to be booty, serious booty to make T's blood boil. Even so, this is still a bucket fool! a bucket! and that means it ain't gonna work no matter how much you may think you love it. Think about it crazy man, where exactly you two gonna go out on a date? you take it to the movies an people are gonna put popcorn in it, take it to the zoo an they gonna feed animals from it, take it home to meet the folks and your poppa gonna use it to help wash the car. You doomed. Just put the bucket back on the shelf and get on with your life. Maybe find yourself a nice simple vegan girl to date instead. A safe relationship where you can both just eat fruit and between you try and put this hardware fixation in the past.Use the damn thing to keep your grapes in.
(Although I must confess that in truth there is no love like the love of a faithful old bucket, especially one that is made out of pure gold. Mmmmmm.)
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