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Find the best and most unique Russell Crowe gifts, auction items, and entertainment venues right here at Go Russ Go! We take pride in the fact that we advertise with FULL DISCLOSURE. If you wish to advertise your own "businesses" and "items" please email me!1


Venues


Virtuosity Laser Tag with Sid 6.7!

VIRTUOSITY LASER TAG
Adults & Teens $8.00; Fr/Sa Ladies Night

Experience the only virtual reality game where you really do get tagged! Ground-breaking Sid 6.7 engine controls your entire gaming experience. He picks the location, he picks the weapons, he even decides if you can watch him fillet your opponents! With 183 different personalities, you'll never know what happens next! Each game is a once-in-a-lifetime experience! Safe* fun for the whole family! Bring along your boss, your ex-spouse, your neighbors' kids, and that damn back-seat driver on your carpool! He'll even "fix" your wife's cat! As always, children under 13, coeds, and homosexuals always get in FREE and get FIRST PLAY! Hookers - WE PAY YOU!

*The NRA has deemed this statement to be true and accurate.


TOP SELLERS


Tighty Whitey

"LAUNDRY" BOY
25 Cartons of Marlboros

Name's Hando, but I calls 'im "bitch." No lip. No fuss. No whinin' (but I've mades him cry before). Skivies come out real white when he do laundry (watch da sheets, though - likes cuttin' holes in 'em). Likes dem funny x's. Likes books about camp. No blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Arabs, Hairy Fishnuts or friggin' foreigners.


From Bloom County by Berke Breathed

PUNK TO SPUNK KIT
Deluxe Package $5,000

Let Hassim Ayfunkdabootyskul (makeup/hair) and Mark de Sade (waxing/wardrobe) make you look like a young starlet! By the time he learns the truth, IT'S TOO LATE!

INCLUDES EXTRAS
  • Make-up & leg-waxing
  • One dress, size 3.
  • It'll-Take-A-Miracle Bra
  • Tinted lenses in Vapid Blue
  • Manicure with FREE Lee Press-On Callouses
  • Punk to Spunk brochure (Click here to see a sample).
  • Hair bleaching and a one hour trip in the Harley Davidson Wind Tunnel for that never-been-brushed look.
  • One package of AlwaysBreak condoms.
  • Crowe took Danielle Spencer at the AFI Awards.SuperGirdle - $250.00 - Squeezes even the widest asses into this dress
  • Loreal Spackle - $75.00 - Industrial-strength coverage for "splotchy" complexions.
  • Full-Body Wax - $50.00 - Come on, gals, you know what I'm talking about!
  • Home Botox Kit - $1000.00 - Get gorgeous bee-stung lips perfect for ... uh ... kissing ... yeah.

Must-have Russell to English Dictionary

RUSSELL TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY
$24.95 Hardcover; $8.95 Paperback

From the same great company that brought you South Park's Kenny Said What? and Godfather for Wise Guys comes the must-have guide to understanding what Russell Crowe says. Excerpts from the book:

QUESTION CROWE'S ANSWER TRANSLATION
Who (created) 30 Odd Foot of Grunts? It was really a fella from Cunnamulla who spent a lot of time in tuncurry. Time for Russy's shot.
How cold is it? It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off a brown dog on a rusty chain at 50 yards and he still wouldn't have time to eat his tucker. My penis has shrunk to subatomic size.
Briefs or boxers? None of your f**king business! I'm wearing my red Happy-Cow-Junior underpants. They're my favorite!
How was the surgery? 4 incisions, 6 stitches, pommy bloke assists (bad sign, chronic ball droppers as a nation but apparently plays a good game). I can't sue. They have pictures.

Deluxe set of surgical chopsticks.

GINSU SURGICAL CHOPSTICKS
$150.00 per set

Get this gorgeous set of surgical steel chopsticks recommended by both the US Board of Heath AND the FDA! So exquisitely crafted you can charge the patient up to five times their face value! Seven if it's a HMO! Please fax your Ginsu Chopsticks Acrobat Extraordinare certification with your order.

PLUS! For a limited time only we'll throw in a surgical hammer and plugs set just like the one Dr. Hoy used in Russell Crowe's shoulder surgery!Free hammer & peg set with your order

A lovely flannel shirt in blue.

BLUE FLANNEL SHIRT
$.03 reduced from $.05

THIS ITEM MUST GO!!! Shirt must be painfully peeled from donor. Laundry detergent not included.
Seller removes shirt: Shirt is free (wait 6 years for delivery).
Buyer removes shirt: Surcharge of $1000 American, cash up front. Buyer has 5 minutes to get shirt & get out before seller opens fire.


Maximus Decimus Meridus, gladiator

MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDUS
$29.95

Small hole on right side. Must keep chained at all times. Deodorant not included. One box of ®Rid and one battery of rabies shots included (for buyer, not Maximus). May not "perform" as expected due to recent loss of wife/child. NO RETURNS!!!


Watch Chia Crowe grow! (65k)

CHIA CROWE
$14.95

Be the first person on your block to own a Chia Crowe! Add a woman, feed it lots of beer, and watch it grow. A great gift for birthdays, celebrity weddings, and Christmas! Get yours today! Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!


Dr. Wigand's bourbon and cheeseburger diet!

DR. WIGAND'S NEW DIET REVOLUTION
$12.95 Hardcover; $5.95 Paperback

Join the bourbon and cheeseburger diet revolution! You, too, can lose (gain) 5, 10, 20 -- up to 40 lb. with Dr. Wigand's plan! Beat those pesky smoking cravings! Guaranteed to kill you faster than tobacco! Millions of Americans practice Dr. Wigand's diet every day with phenomenal success. Try it today!


100 butts from The Insider!

THE INSIDER BUTTS SET
$29.95

Get this handsome collection of 100 used Brown & Williamson cigarette butts from the Oscar-nominated film, The Insider! Most smoked by Russell Crowe himself! Each set comes in its own ashtray, a beautifully-crafted, lead crystal masterpiece. Act now and get a bonus set of 25 butts from Al Pacino's trailer, each one tipped in a different lipstick shade! PLUS we'll throw in an extra set of five flavored-lipstick butts (please specify cherry, strawberry, bubble gum, or "mystery meat" with your order)! Hurry, only 1.2 billion sets left in stock!


CHARITY AUCTION ITEMS


Russ, I'm serious; bury the poor thing. SEVERED HEAD (DATE: TBA)

Born December 12, 1939, this young pup met tragedy early when three teens butchered his parents and sold his brothers and sisters to furriers. Alone he braved venomous snakes, crocodiles, and spiders the size of Guatemalan cockroaches. He taught himself to hunt and dig a den. His efforts lured a young beauty. They fell deeply in love and were married May 12, 1941. Together they raised two dozen healthy kits.

However, his family's peace and serenity was not to last long. The Japanese and Germans sought global domination. Ever fearful of bombing, his family spent most of their time crouched in their den. On an especially bleak day in 1944, he smelled smoke and heard the roar from Kamikaze fighters. He raced to a nearby soldier camp. His frantic gestures got the attention of a camera man, Stan Wemyss, who immediately warned the troops. They were ready when the Japanese finally attacked. For his bravery New Zealand awarded him the Medal of Honor.

But his honor was short lived. Unknown assailants, believed to be Japanese ninja terrorists, kidnapped his entire family. Two of his children were trampled in the struggle. His suffering wasn't to end there -- oh no. His captors stripped the venerable hero of his medal, then decapitated him. As he lay dying, they clamped chains to his wife and the rest of his brood. Every record of his name, his life, and his rich history they burned. His murderers wedged a cigarette, symbolic of the Kamikaze fighter's smoke plumes, between his teeth so he would forever be cursed to smell it. His wife and children they sold to fur peddlers. They stuffed and mounted his head on a cheap plaque with the word "Ordinary" beneath it, and sold that, too. His severed head now hangs in someone's trailer (pictured above) where he is subjected to ridicule almost daily.

Please, give this noble creature the respect he so richly deserves, and bury him with full military honors (including taps and a 21-gun salute).


Submission Guidelines

  • No porn (*Sigh*)
  • Please don't send me real merchandise to sell online.
  • Email your "item" to me at xpheremone@yahoo.com.

1It goes without saying that this is a joke. I'm not actually selling anything, and neither is any current and future participants. Sorry for any inconvenience. I can't believe I just wrote that.


I Don't Get It

  • Laser Tag: See Virtuosity.
  • Hando: See Romper Stomper (and American History X with Edward Norton). Inmates use cigarettes as currency.
  • Date with Russ: He likes his women thin, blonde, and blue-eyed. Pamphlet - Liz Smith, Ted Casablanca are gossip columnists. Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts is his band's name. The rest is tabloid rumors and anecdotes.
  • Dictionary: You must be Australian.
  • Chopsticks: Russell had surgery to repair a tendon he tore while practicing acrobatics for Flora Plum. On Leno 12/1/00 he said, "While the bloke's in there fiddling about with the old chopsticks trying to fix things, you know, Iím taking photographs of him." Leno replied, "Chopsticks? What bad HMO you got? ." Read The Inside Story by Russell Crowe for information on his surgery.
  • Shirt: Several articles have been written about how Russell always wears that shirt. It's the media's opinion that once you've been photographed in an outfit you're never to wear it again.
  • Gladiator: See the movie.
  • Chia Crowe: Many fans blame his scruffiness on any female he's involved with at the time. Also, "Chia" is a common nickname for Meg Ryan. Maybe it's contagious!
  • Stanley Wemyss, Russell Crowe's grandfather. Diet: Dr. Atkins has a diet where you consume nothing but high-fat proteins, usually in the form of eggs and meat. That's what his book looks like. Russell Crowe gained 40 lbs. for The Insider on a diet of bourbon, cheeseburgers and general lethargy.
  • Butts Set: Despite his work on The Insider, Russell still smokes. Al Pacino, however, doesn't (AND BOY IS HE HOT!)
  • Severed Head: Crowe's grandfather, Stan Wemyss, was honored by the Queen of England for his WWII cinematography. But that's not why that story's there.


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