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|Hagar begot Ismaela, who begot Lanaiah, who begot Laviniah, who begot Mariah, who begot Pamelai, who begot Zipporah.
Sarah begot Selena, who begot Lentilah, who begot Shalamah, who begot Tara, who begot Jokhaber, who begot Miriam.
|Meanwhile good girl Rebecca was begetting the patriarchy, complete with stolen birthrights, polygamy, brothers selling each other into slavery, water rights battles, in-law troubles, every kind of treachery, and loads more pimping, including the revival of Abraham's wimp gene in Isaac who pimped Rebecca off to the apparently still-horny Abimelek, king of the Philistines, for protection. No spitfire like her mother-in-law, she cried so much over the perceived moral transgression that Abimelek cut her loose rather than listen to the pious wailing, which worked out well for her.
Rebecca gave birth to twin boys Esau and Jacob. The second-born, Jacob cheated the first born Esau out of his birthright in a disgraceful episode of chicanery and then went running back to Mesopotamia when Esau threatened to kill him. While there, the greedy Jacob fell for his cousin Rachel and worked for his uncle seven years as a bride price for her, but got a dose of his own villainy when his uncle slipped his eldest daughter, Rachel's sister, Leah into the marriage bed instead, unbeknownst to Jacob. So, Cheating Boy worked another seven years to afford the younger (presumably prettier and more fuckable) one, screwed both his cousins and their maids, Zilpah and Bilhah, and overpopulated the Earth obscenely! He had of course the famous 12 sons who would become the 12 tribes of Israel, but not recorded in the Men's Bible is the fact that he also had 26 daughters, only one of which received any mention, Dinah, who was brought into the story to be abused and humiliated.
Dinah fell in love with a foreigner and committed the ultimate sin as far as her gynophobic, xenophobic, sexophobic kinsmen were concerned, by running away and sleeping with her lover, which they called rape, simply because they hadn't approved it. Dinah's brothers persuaded her lover's kinsmen that the only way they would allow a marriage between the two clans was if the kinsmen would have the tips of their dicks chopped off. Which they actually agreed to! How nice were they?! While they were recovering from the perverse operation, Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi (who would spawn the future tribe of priests!!!!) and assorted familial thugs sneak attacked them, slaughtering them all, and murdering Dinah's lover right in front of her. But don't worry, it was all for her own good, to keep her chaste.
|For some reason, an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good God made a covenant with the low-down, dirty, little usurper twin Jacob, and re-named him Israel. The usurped twin Esau prospered, fathered his own neighboring nation, Edom, and forgave his brother, making him the bigger man.
Jacob's jealous sons sold his favorite son Joseph, the oldest by his favorite wife Rachel, into slavery in Egypt. Joseph did OK for himself under the Pharaoh and became a big shot. When his scheming rat bastard brothers were sent to Egypt by their father to beg for food during a famine in Canaan, Joseph played the bigger man (must have taken after his Uncle Esau rather than his dad) and treated them well, so the whole family moved there.
|On his deathbed, Jacob/Israel did to Joseph's eldest son, Manasseh, what he had done to his own older brother, and passed the birthright illegitimately to the younger son, Ephraim, despite Joseph's protestations. Then he pronounced esoteric prophecies on each of his sons. To Judah, he professed: "The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet (?), until the coming of the one to whom the sceptre belongs, to whom the Gentiles shall look forward. He shall tie up his foal to the vine, and his ass's colt to a branch; he shall bleach his garments with wine, and his robes with the juices of the grape. His eyes shall be radiant with wine and his teeth white with milk." (Genesis 49:11)
Like all good horoscopes, this one contained just enough general and obscure information for one or two of the statements to ring true and capture the imagination of the intended audience. Well, when we get to the New Testament, you'll see just how extremely this forecast managed to capture the imagination of a motley band of fringe Jews who would become the Christians...
But first, a juicy tidbit about the Judah line from whence both the hero of Judaism, King David, and the messiah of Christianity, Jesus the Nazarene, claim descent. Shuah, who was partnered with Judah bore eight daughters and three sons. The oldest son Er was married to a feisty gal named Tamar, but died without issue, as they say in Old Testament parlance. As was the silly law of the Israelites at the time, Er's brother Onan was legally obligated to sire an heir for Tamar after Er's death. Well, he didn't mind fucking feisty Tamar, but he really didn't want to produce an heir for his sister-in-law because that son would take precedence over his own. So, he used the age old and very poor birth control method of coitus interruptus and spilled his "seed" on the ground, a disgraceful act, which pissed everyone off. Then he died.
After two men who were sexually associated with her turned up prematurely dead, Tamar got a reputation as a bit of a jinx, and frankly Judah wanted to avoid giving over his last son to her, so he claimed the boy was too young yet. Tamar disguised herself as a harlot and seduced Judah himself by the side of the road and begat twins Pharez and Zarah, heirs to Judah, to which she was entitled by law! And Judah felt like a big jackass. Which he was. And let me stress to you again that these are the direct line ancestors of both King David and Jesus, despite the many Deuteronomistic laws broken in the process. Oy!
|END OF THE BOOK OF GENESIS|
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