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|The New Testament|
|aka: "The Dumbest Story Ever Told "|
|There once were three sisters of Magdala, who married three men of Galilea: Mary married a carpenter from a nearby town named Joseph, who was considered a good catch because he was reputedly of the prestigious family line of King David. Elizabeth married Zechariah, and their youngest sister Carol married Zebulon, the best of the lot.
Mary and Joseph had five daughters; Mary, Elizabeth, Carol, Judith, and Thecla, and five sons; Jesus, James, Joses, Jude and Simon, all born in Joseph's home town of Nazareth. The nativity story of Jesus, which is set in Bethlehem, is a contrivance that was latently concocted to place Jesus' birth in King David's home town, which was where the Messiah was supposed to be born, in order to make it appear that prophecy had been fulfilled. The census which places Mary and Joseph in Bethlehem to be counted, occurred in 6CE, and since Jesus was said to have been born during the reign of Herod, who died in 4BC, it creates a bit of a delicious dilemma. Uh oh, is the indisputable, revealed word of God mistaken on this little detail? What else could be erroneous in the Bible? How will the cosmos possibly hold together, given that?
Elizabeth produced only one child, John, and he was so weird that it was generally thought that perhaps one had been quite enough. John would never wear anything but sack cloth, even around his delicate loin area, and he wandered off in the wilderness for weeks at a time, living on locusts and tumbleweed, and then came back babbling about revelations he'd had. "He's very introspective," Elizabeth would explain straight-faced whenever someone remarked about his behavior.
Carol and Zebulon had two girls, Barbara and Mary. People teased Zeb unmercifully for having produced "only" girls (I guess that old dick-size myth has been around forever), but he didn't care- he was very happy with his daughters, loved them very much, and was even quite fond of his wife (and apparently not concerned about the size of his dick).
|Jesus and Barbara were born on the same day, the Winter Solstice, much to the delight of their sororal mothers, who began immediately to anticipate their eventual coupling (not taboo then). Eight days later, after Jesus had the tip of his dick snipped off as per Jewish custom, he became infected, was very ill, and it was touch and go there for a while as the two families had to wonder if Jesus would even survive to meet Barbara, let alone grow up to marry her. But he managed to overcome the disease and lived, although he was sickly throughout his youth.
Barbara and he became the best of friends and she protected her frail cousin from all manner of dangers and pitfalls during their childhood, but the one thing from which she could not save him was his extreme predilection for superstition.
|The families lived a couple miles from each other, frequently visited, and sometimes pilgrimaged to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover together. Jesus and Barbara were always together on these occasions. Jesus would have his nose buried in his Torah, the Prophecy Books, and other religious scriptures, while Barbara sat nearby him in quiet contemplation. Barbara had read the Jewish scriptures, too, but not repeatedly like Jesus. She thought they were interesting, but thought the Greek philosophers much more so.
"Jesus?" Barbara said. Jesus looked up from his Prophecies. The only thing he loved more than his scriptures was his cousin Barbara. "I don't understand why we Jews are so disturbed by Hellenist culture after three centuries. I don't think it's so bad, as long as we can remain Jews within it. I like some of the influences from Greece. It's the Romans who worry me."
"What about the Romans, Barbara? I mean of course, they're dirty because they're uncircumcised and God doesn't love them like he loves us, but what else?"
"Well, they're so violent. They seem to love war and making nations bend to their will. I guess all men do, really, but they seem to have such animosity toward us, and they're much mightier than we are. Yet we provoke them constantly."
"No matter their might, Barbara. We have God on our side."
"Yes, but I fear one day they will decide to crush us once and for all."
"Barbara, are you prophesying?" Jesus asked astonished.
"No, Jesus, I'm just making observations about world events and trying to analyze them from my limited perspective. I'm trying to reason."
"Oh." He seemed disappointed. "Don't worry, Barbara, all the teachers and priests say that when the big war comes, we'll win with the help of Yahweh, and then we'll have eternal dominion over the Kingdom of God on Earth. Some even think that someone in my family is going to be the ruler over the Kingdom! What if it was me, Barbara? Then you could be my queen! Wouldn't that be cool?!"
"I'm not sure I want dominion over the Earth. I'm not even comfortable with the concept of dominion over animals. I hate sacrifices and I hate eating meat. How can anyone look at a sweet, little bunny and want to kill it and eat it?"
That made Jesus hungry.
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