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|Meanwhile, back in Sodom, people were having all manner of sex that was not in the missionary position, which for some reason aggravated Abraham's nephew Lot to no end. Lot's partner, Zorrah repeatedly admonished him, "Lot, so it's not our cup of tea. So what? Leave the people alone. It's none of our business what they do." She thought he was perverse to be so interested in other people's sex lives. But Lot could not be reasoned with, and sent word to Abraham that the people were behaving wickedly and might bring the wrath of God down upon the Earth, the weasely, little snitch (with profound apologies to weasels).|
As Abraham strolled toward Gomorrah, he imagined that God asked him what to do about Sodom and that he advised God to destroy the whole town because its citizens sinned despite Lot's best efforts to teach them proper behavior. God said, "Well, Abe, aren't there any good people in Sodom?" "It doesn't seem like it." "Well," said God, "If I could find fifty good people in Sodom, would you agree that I should spare the city for their sake?" Abe grudgingly agreed, "I guess so." "What if I could find just twenty? Shouldn't I preserve the town for them?" Abe shrugged and said, "I guess it's up to you." "How about ten good people, Abraham? Should they be destroyed because of their neighbors?" Abe didn't answer, only frowned. He muttered something under his breath about collateral damage. "One person," God said, "One single person. Should Sodom be spared for the sake of one good person?"
Abraham could stand the challenge to his convoluted morality no longer. "No! No!" he shrieked, "They should all be killed! Every one of them! They're evil! They won't do as I command... I mean as You command! You should wipe them out, so they'll know I'm... I mean, You're serious! Kill them all, the fornicating lowlifes!" "Okey dokey", Abraham imagined God responding, and so he set in motion his own terroristic plan for the enforcement of arbitrary piety by making an example of Sodom.
Abe wanted to warn Lot of the impending massacre, but he wanted to test Lot's loyalty, too. He sent two spies to Zorrah's and Lot's home with instructions for his nephew to entertain the visitors lavishly and deny them none of their hearts' desires. Zorrah and Lot offered them all they had to eat and their best wine, as was customary. After the meal, their daughters sang and played music for the strangers. Still, the guests did not thank their hosts and retire for the night. They seemed to want more.
"Your uncle told us you would provide anything we asked of you," said one visitor. "Absolutely! Anything you wish! Anything at all!" Lot gushed sycophantically, eager to garnish a good report to Abraham. "We want your virgin daughters in our beds for the night," said the stranger pointedly.
At this, Zorrah sprang from her seat toward the men. "Get out of my house, right now!" she yelled. "Girls, go in the back, away from these horrible men." At the men, she continued to scream, "Get out! Get out of here!" as she pushed them toward the door.
"Now, Zorrah", Lot began, "Calm down. My uncle did say they should have whatever they want. And, after all, they are only girls. It's not as if they asked for our sons. We don't want to anger Abraham." "Actually," said the second visitor, "In fact, I would rather have your sons, all of them, one right after the other".
Zorrah flashed Lot a look that said, "I will deal with you later", as she forced the two men toward the door by applying firm pressure to their testicles. She got the door open and shouted, "Good neighbors, please come help me! My husband has abandoned his children to two rapists!" A crowd of Sodomites gathered immediately, pulled the two men from Zorrah's house and restrained them. The Sodomites knew that Israelites were intimidated by them because of their substantial Gay community. The Israelites assumed that others were always trying to impose their sexual conduct on everyone else, just like they were. They assumed the Gay Sodomites' fondest wish was to recruit pious, heterosexual Israelites into a Sodomite lifestyle. Nothing could have been further from the truth. The Sodomites, far from lusting for the Israelites, wanted them to stay as far away as possible.
Using the Israelites' innate homophobia to intimidate them into retreat, one of Zorrah's neighbors shouted, "Fresh meat, Everybody! Come and get it!" The two visitors broke free and didn't stop running until they were safely back at Abraham's compound. Abe was livid at Lot's disobedience, not to mention his inability to "control his woman". He pretended that God ordained an invasion and marched into Sodom the very next day with an army of mercenaries which outnumbered the village people ten to one. He slaughtered every single inhabitant.
Then he made up an ugly, far-fetched story about Zorrah turning to salt for disobeying God and Lot (but really Abraham), and Lot's two daughters, Jolah and Mitzmah, getting Lot drunk and seducing him to impregnate them, claiming the results of the couplings were the genetic origins of the Israelites' enemy nations, Moab and Ammon. The original disinformation campaign.