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Chapter Five-
Deuteronomy
Undaunted by the depravity of his own actions, the utter wretchedness of his life, Moses casually began working on a record of the Israelites' wanderings. Some conscience.

Not only was he unmoved enough by the extermination of his own family by his own hand to prevent him from writing his little travelogue, he managed to conjure enough chutzpah to make a public address detailing his career, replete with the customary doctoring of the facts, a tedious reiteration of the endless rules, and a bone-chilling recitation of the threatened cosequences for breaking them. Listening to this, the war-weary Israelites must have been praying to Yahweh to take them right then and there, to spare them Moses' further orations. He was not only a genocidal mass murderer, he was a liar, a bore, and a braggart. And, oy vay, he never let them forget how he had led them out of Egypt!!!!!! And he kept calling them stiff-necked, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. A tight-ass calling someone a stiff-neck
Here's a little Deuteronomy sampler of Moses' prescripts with cites for you to double check me:
12:2
You must destroy all the places wherein the nations you are to possess worshipped, and all their gods.
13:1-5 and 18:10
Kill false prophets. (Who decides if they're false?)
13:6-11
Kill any family member who is attracted to another god, this makes an example of her or him so that others will be afraid to consider alien ideas.
14:1 
No tattoos!!!!  (It's true- check for yourself.)
14:2 
Rah, rah, rah, we are the best people on Earth! God loves us best!
14:7-8 
Don't eat animals that chew their cud or have divided hooves (?).
15:12 
It's OK to own slaves, but if s/he is a Hebrew, s/he must be freed after 7 years with a little nest egg.
19:21 
A life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot, and so on and so on, and scooby dooby dooby.... ad nauseam.
21:11-14 
It's OK to rape a captive woman after a stupid humiliation ritual.
21:18-21 
A rebellious, stubborn son can be put to death.
22:5  
NO CROSS DRESSING!!! (I kid you not- Yahweh's apparently concerned about that.)
22:6-7  
It's good luck to steal a bird's babies (!) (?). (I swear to god- it says that!)
22:10  
You shall not plough with an ox and an ass together. (Why would this bother the lord? But wait until you see the next one.)
22:11 
You shall not wear a garment woven of different sorts of wool and cotton together. (Perhaps the lord needs to get a life.)
22:12  
You shall make for yourself fringes on the four corners of your cloak. (Now, I can see doing this, it's nice and decorative, but shouldn't it be optional? What's up with the fashion commandments? 3,000 years later, the school uniform controversy still rages!)
22:21  
Stone a woman who's not a "virgin"  when she marries. (These men want to see BLOOD on their wedding night, by god!)
23:1-2 
No adulterers or bastards can enter the assembly of the lord even to the tenth generation of descendants. (This is fair- talk about the sins of the fathers!)
23:17  
No goddern whores or sodomites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
23:19-20  
No lending with interest to an Israelite, but to a foreigner you may charge interest.
25:4
You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain. (Let me add, or a poor dog when you're taking it for a walk.) (I guess it would be overly optimistic to venture a hope that this one is an animal rights rule.)
25:11-12
(This one's charming.)  When two brothers are fighting, and the wife of one draws near to deliver her husband out of the hands of his adversary, and puts forth her hand, and seizes him by the private parts (wouldn't you kill to know what word they actually used in the original text?), then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her. (Good thing there's a law about this, because with wives squeezing their brothers-in-law's gonads, the whole world could descend into chaos!!!!)
25:19 
(And here's a repeat of a previous oxymoron): You shall blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; you shall not forget it. (Presumably, when you get to heaven, you may again remember Amalek if you like.)

A deliciously ludicrous list of curses on offenders follows
On to the curses!
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