As Divinely Inspired as the Original!
The Old Testament
Chapter One- Genesis
In the beginning, it was a dark and stormy night. Then there was a big bang. Eventually there were humans. That's all we know. We're not even sure about the dark and stormy night- I just added that for literary effect. Actually, we do know there were single cell organisms that kept becoming more complex until they became the size of dinosaurs, which wasn't a very efficient use of cells apparently, and then they kept naturally selecting to more adaptable organisms until we got to a primitive, war-like organism we call humans.

So, once upon a time, in the last flash of the last instant of cosmological time as we know it, not in the beginning at all, but still a very long time ago by our imperfect temporal reckoning, somehow, what we see before us came into being: the Light, the Water, the Earth, and all the living beings, both flora and fauna.

In our intellectual enthusiasm to explain our experience of these phenomena, through the ages we have put forth various guesses, some educated and some not so, about how this came about. This story begins with humanoid origins, and basing our guess on our biological observation that it takes two mammals of opposite gender to parent a species, we begin with an original human female and male, who for the sake of convenience we shall name Eve and Adam.

Now, let us pause here and disclaim any exclusivity for any tribe, nation, or political unit of Eve and Adam. Also, since we are guessing, we do not wish to impose our hypothesis on anyone else. We are willing to entertain other ideas about the origins of humanity and claim no superiority for our own. We appreciate an intellectual exchange of ideas, and see our particular postulation as much a stimulus for that debate as an attempt to understand. Finally, we embrace the concept that understanding is enhanced by considering a multitude of possibilities.

Now, Adam was an ape-like humanoid with one continuous eyebrow and an abundance of back hair. He also claimed to hear voices, making him apparently the first paranoid schizophrenic, and the voices seemed to conveniently say things which Adam wished to emphasize. For instance, he didn't like apples, so he claimed the voice told him they shouldn't eat them or something terrible would happen. So, Eve rolled her eyes a lot.

Eve was much slighter and slenderer and had a LOT less hair all over her. She highly suspected this indicated that she was a good deal further evolved than Adam.The fact that she easily recognized his attempts to snow her with his "voices" pretty much confirmed this. At first, she would try to gently reason with Adam: "Now, Adam, why would the voice tell you not to eat the apple, but fail to mention it to me? That doesn't make any sense, does it?" His response: "Because it's the fruit of the tree of knowledge, and if we eat from it, we'll be naked!" Eve noticed his answer wasn't even relevent to her question, besides making no sense, but she continued patiently to argue through his stream of non-sequitors: "Adam, we ARE naked. So what? And why wouldn't we want to eat from the tree of knowledge?"  "Well, I can see the parts we use when we mate, and that can't be good," he stammered.  "Why not?"  "Well, what if someone else saw those parts of you and wanted to mate with you, too?" See what we mean by Eve rolling her eyes a lot?

Eve realized they were at least getting to the true crux of the matter, however disjointedly. Out of sheer youthful, naive optimism, she attempted to reason with him. ";Well, Adam, there's no one else around."  "But, after we be fruitful and multiply, which my voice has personally told me we should do a LOT, there will be plenty of people around, so it's never too early to start a good precedence of covering up our nakedness."  Adam wasn't real well hung, either, a fact which Eve didn't even notice, but bothered Adam to no end. He spent endless hours measuring his penis against tree branches and wondering if it was large enough. Whenever Eve happened upon him doing this, she just rolled her eyes and moved on.

"Here, put this fig leaf on,"  Adam said, pressing it against her pubic hair.  "Adam, that is just not comfortable, and I'm not doing it."  She brushed the fig leaf away and it wafted to the ground.  "You'll be cursed by God," he threatened.  "I'll take my chances," she countered. She left him in a snit and went to the apple tree, picked an apple and ate it. She sat dejectedly under the tree, wishing it truly was the tree of knowledge. She thirsted for knowledge, hungered for experience, longed for more from life. Adam was handy when she was hormonal, and at fashioning crude tools using his nifty opposable thumbs (at which skill she also excelled), but he wasn't a very stimulating conversationalist or partner.

Lo, hormones being what they are in youth, Eve begot two sons with Adam the Clueless. And Adam taught them his trick of claiming to receive convenient supernatural orders with which to attempt to consolidate power. The boys fell for this hook, line, and sinker, much to Eve's chagrin.

Cain was the first born and became a tiller of the soil, which delighted Eve. Abel was born next and became a keeper of sheep, the slaughter of which Eve disapproved. Throughout their youth, Adam pitted the two boys against each other in competition, culminating in a contest to see who could make the best offering to God. So, Cain brought the fruits of his garden to Adam to give to God. Eve noticed they were consumed by Adam. Then Abel slaughtered a fatling of his flock and brought the meat as an offering, which Adam ate. Adam preferred the meat and pronounced God more pleased with the carnivore offering than the vegetarian one, and declared Abel the blessed one. This was the last straw in the lifelong sibling rivalry, and Cain challenged Abel to a decisive match, in which he accidentally killed his brother.
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