Such events are all part of the Creator's plan, so I should probably just praise the lord and get back to clipping my toenails. But I do like to think about the take-home message whenever religion starts to assert itself. In this case, it appears that god wants two girls to have $56,000 and decides the best way to achieve this is to give their mother cancer, sick a pit bull on their brother (who was with good people and is now with god, so that's okay... except for the being ripped to shreds part) and kill off their dad in mysterious circumstances and a very expensive jacket. Doesn't make much sense to me, but then as anyone who's ever prayed for world peace knows, god works in capricious ways.

In TV-land, the writer is the Creator and controls everything in the universe from the weather to the size of the polka dots on Nick's necktie, so when I look for a take-home message from that perspective it's reading more like: god is a glob and ice-cream is bad for your health. Which makes so much more sense to me. I'm not above poking fun at religion, and besides we've all had enough of sex and politics for a while.

Andrea wants her father (roofer, diabetic junkie and bum, affectionately known as a circus freak) to go to hell with a double-fudge strawberry sundae, which would seem to violate the fifth commandment but I shall not judge her lest I be judged. The poor girl is over there in the corner losing her religion, which is actually not a bad idea when you only had faith in the first place because someone else told you it was true. My advice to Andrea, if she needs to comfort herself, would be to invent her own religion or perhaps spend a weekend bingeing on chocolate and Disney animated features. But what do I know? I tithe to Bill Gates, for glob's sake. I worship at the altar of Internet Explorer^®. I am in awe of the eternal mysteries of the Options drop-down menu. Salvation can be found by reading between the lines of the readme.txt file and my idea of hell is when CTRL+ALT+DEL has no effect whatsoever on my frozen computer screen. I'm probably not qualified to offer spiritual advice or commentary.

Nick believes in glob. I mean, god. I mean, a tyrannical construct invented by powerful males to control women and oppress the masses and… you know, yeah, whatever (dammit, sometimes I forget my own rhetoric). Nick believes – sometimes. But he knows he doesn't need right and wrong imposed upon him from above: Nick does good even when “it” is not really what he does. He may have no choice about doing community service, but he does it well, he does it until there's nothing more he can do, because he's a decent human being – not because he's being blackmailed by the prospect of everlasting damnation.

Meanwhile Lulu, when she's not laughing in the face of Nick's concern, has a client who credits his release from jail to his wife's prayers (funny, I thought it was the DNA test that did it). His wife, who thought it was pretty cool to be married to a convict, is finding it kind of embarrassing to be married to an ex-con. As you would. For all her self-absorbed dithering, it can't be denied that Lulu is on occasion a woman powered by bull-headed determination to get people to do what she wants. While Nick always has a clever lawyer trick up his sleeve that he quietly produces when the moment's ripe and you can take it or leave it as long as you prepare yourself for a dismissive NWO if you choose the blue pill, Lulu's way is rather more brutal. When she's not wearing down her teenage clients with caustic condescension, she's sweet-talking a judge into submission by dazzling him with her dimple and laying on a guilt-trip thicker than Danny the parking lot attendant. The judge succumbs, rolls his eyes and returns to the set of the Harry Potter movie from whence he came.

Time out. If there's one thing more satisfying than watching Nick fold and unfold his arms, it's watching him taking a pen out of his inside jacket pocket, removing the cap and sticking said cap on the end of said pen. You can take this on faith, brethren and sisthren, or if you don't believe me you can watch again and pay attention this time. If you still don't believe me, there may be something crooked in your soul. Don't say you weren't warned.

Nick gives his all this week. He plays detective at the junkyard, forks over four dollars of his hard-earned cash to solve a murder-mystery, teaches Jake how to have a heart and stops Lulu throwing herself off a bridge. In fact, I had a helluva time finding any Naughty Nick stars here. Nick is positively radiating the heavenly virtues – all he needs now is a pudding-bowl coiffure, a hair shirt, a few votive candles scattered about the place and a round or two of self-flagellation (oh, that's next week) and he'll be in line for a sainthood.

When it comes to the best interests of mankind, if this guy is "dysfunctional" I say the world needs more screw-ups.

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* Goes with Andrea to junk yard although “it's not really” what he does.

* Pays the $4 to Danny even though he doesn't get to park his car in the lot.

* Gives work to Jake to get money for the girls.

* Makes Jake continue with the litigation even though it's not worth his time.

* Arranges for Lou to see the girls.

* Runs out after Lulu, concerned (not protective).

* Doesn't push the Burkes to sue Lou, even though he can't believe their decision.

Suing Lou for the compensation money will take “several months or a year” – NOTHING takes that long in Guardianland! Every case can be resolved within the week.

Laurie makes Nick miss his dinner date to attend Brendan's funeral - does Nick perhaps have a social life?

KEY

Nick Fix Percentage of screentime allocated to Nick.

NWO (Nick Walks Out / Nick Walks Off) The number of times Nick leaves the room without first ending the conversation in a socially acceptable manner.

Indicates hot stuff (generally, Nick engaging in amorous activities or taking off his shirt).