April 23, 1968------June 11, 2001.
"Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy."
---F. Scott Fizgerald.
What's the difference between Timothy McVeigh's actions and those of his executioner?
Answer: The weapon.
Marytrdom's just another word for nothing left to lose. And Tim had nothing left to lose.
By looking around the Web, I discovered pictures, supposedly of Tim, purporting the ridiculous notion that he is alive and well and back in the US army. Now, I don't know about you, but I haven't heard anything that laughable since those misguided individuals who believe that Tim really didn't die in that Indiana death chamber, but was quickly whisked off for places unknown for activities covert and mysterious.<> I am posting a few pictures featured in that bizarre article. If anyone out there believes for one second that those pictures look anything at all like McVeigh, well, I would strongly suggest getting your eyes tested. Seriously. Here they are for your giggling pleasure:
I'm currently working on an article to accompany these photographs, which, in essence, will be my personal take on the information gleaned from this bizarre article. I suppose the pictures offer some individuals a modicum of hope that, perhaps, McVeigh didn't get poisoned to death on that dark June morning after all. Perhaps he outwitted the executioner and is holed up, laughing hysterically at those who are so certain those three powerful chemicals injected into Tim's leg were no more potent than yellow dye. Personally, I don't believe it for a minute. Those photos look no more like Tim McVeigh than Stephen Jones.
Before you delve any further into this site, please realize that its purpose is not to worship Tim McVeigh, make him into some anti-government martyr, nor is it a forum for a lovesick, obsessed woman to wax lovingly and moan orgasmic-like over the enigma that was Timothy James McVeigh. No, this is most assuredly not the droolings and post-mortem wishes "of something more if only he was still alive." I have received e-mails from irate persons who call this site nothing but "romanticized rubbish" and other terms less-than-endearing.
By the same token, I would be lying out of the side of my mouth if I were to tell you that I wasn't attracted to this man. Yes, Enigmacat was drawn to someone the rest of the world reviled. I wrestled with these feelings for years and, yes, I am fraught with more than a little bit of guilt.
I didn't always feel this way about Timothy McVeigh. Soon after the bombing, I watched a television program that featured the many little kids who were killed or terribly maimed in the tragedy. I watched as a four-year-old boy struggled with a leg prosthesis, as he had lost his leg in the explosion and it broke my heart. There were other horribly burned youngsters and a parade of mothers and fathers who had lost their children in such a senseless manner.
Fear not the reaper, my troubled young friend.
And don't think that your earthly death signalled the end.
The fact is: You'll never again feel great pain.
No dark, looming clouds and no torrents of rain.
You'll have bountiful presents in heaven this year.
Such as laughter and happiness at long last, my dear.
As for those who are hoping you're burning in hell.
Just forget them, for they didn't know you too well.
I'm lighting a candle for you on your day.
But I'm finding it hard to know what I should say.
As your parents and sisters grieve that you are gone,
They're still struggling along, faces tear-streaked and wan.
Give them time, Tim, to heal and to always be strong.
And to realize that heaven is where you belong.
Anniversaries hurt when a loved one is lost.
It extracts a high price---it's a terrible cost.
God forgives you completely for what you have done.
Now let loose up there Tim, and with Jesus be one.
It's okay to seek peace---it's been so very long,
So today, on your birthday, I'll sing a sad song.
I had always been staunchly opposed to capital punishment, but this case gave me serious pause. I remember saying to my mother, as I struggled desperately for the right words, "Mom, I feel awful. Here I am, an anti-death penalty activist and I'm thinking that the person or persons who did this awful thing should fry for their crime." I started to cry and felt like hypocrisy personified. It took me several months to return to my original opinions about state-sanctioned murder, but I went through hell before that happened.
So when did my hatred for Tim McVeigh end and my compassion for him begin? I guess that if I had to name one thing, it would be that I had read many articles on McVeigh and the bombing and I began to see, not an "All-American Monster" but rather, an emotionally flat, suicidal young man who felt he had nothing more to lose. And so I began writing to him, to try and offer solace, a shoulder on which to metaphorically lean and a deep understanding of how an illness like post-traumatic stress disorder can transform a kind and loving boy into a cold and calculating killer.
Tim McVeigh was so much more than a destroyer of 168 lives. But, by choosing the tragic path he did, Tim unwittingly assured himself to be "the most hated man in America."
Yes, I cared a great deal about the man----I cared a lot and put up this website both for those who share similar sentiments, as well as naysayers who mistakenly think that I have no compassion or caring for McVeigh's victims. Nothing can be further from the truth, but it seems as if they have been offered an exemplary status, based on their tremendous grief. They don't need me----the world cradles them in its arms. I know that there are those who will pounce upon my head for saying that, but I have to be honest. Yes, many lost their lives in the blast, but then, in a very odd way, so did Tim. You say that without McVeigh there would never have been an Oklahoma City. The truth of the matter is, were it not for the Gulf War, this tragedy would not have occurred. Forget Waco---the bombing was, as has been documented, Tim's antidepressant.
Anyone is welcome here and you can write whatever you want in the guestbook. I have received many encouraging e-mails from people, likely as alienated as Tim or as I, who agree that, yes, he did something heinous, but it is possible to separate the act from the perpetrator.
I'm sorry too, Tim that your name is being sullied at the moment.
Do you know what some have wrought from your sad and tragic life?
Not love, not knowledge, just pain and guilt and strife.
I guess one can't grow flowers where only pavement's found.
So what the hell am I doing here? You know I'm not that sound.
I'm sorry, Tim and just I hate to have to let you know,
That atop your precious ashes, not a thing can ever grow.
The only explanation I can offer for this sadness,
Is that you seem to unleash all kinds of fear and hate and madness.
I wish I could regale you with stories that ring true.
How much I have wished that I was with you too.
You knew ,oh too well, that life was often cruel.
That everything we needed wasn't ever learned at school.
I know I must live on, even though it seems too much.
Those I'd thought were friends, have gotten out of touch.
If we're all but cheap Tim groupies, then what the hell's the point?
Was all that you believed in left behind you in that joint?
Your hour upon the stage was cut short.
And I feel that you planned it that way.
Then at 7:14 there came this report:
"He's dead. It's the blessed end of Tim McVeigh."
As you lay there, exposed and stripped bare,
Did you tell the priest of your well-hidden remorse?
I know you said nothing to those who were there,
Your regret, it seemed, nobody could ever force.
You greeted your death with both eyes opened wide.
But then, it had always been waiting for you.
I wish that someone could have gotten inside
To find out what lay behind cold eyes of blue.
Timothy McVeigh went to his premature grave as defiant as he lived the last six years of his life. Whether you find that admirable or downright disgusting, you should realize that there is so very much more to this young man than either the media or "American Terrorist" can tell us. I am attempting to unravel the enigma and reach the very vulnerable and tragic figure underneath.
I must confess as to being terribly traumatized by this bad news, so much so that I was in a crisis situation. Trying to keep together, I am writing my last letter to him, keeping busy and working on my manuscript. I have talked about the book on this page if you scroll down and I hope that, when he reads my chapter summaries, Timothy McVeigh will harbour a shred of hope that I am presenting the other side of the terrible Oklahoma City bombing. I deeply feel for anyone and everyone who lost someone in the blast, who lives today with sometimes severe physical and psychological traumas, but I do not believe for one minute that, when the three hundred or so survivors watch McVeigh die, they will not only fail to achieve closure, but they are likely to feel even worse than they would if they'd passed up that rather creepy event. I have since learned that, although a number of the onlookers felt a sense of relief when McVeigh died right before their eyes, but many didn't---in fact, some wished they hadn't witnessed the terrible spectre of seeing what happens when a healthy young set of lungs collapse forever.
Right below is a picture of the auditorium, a building which was filled to capacity so that survivors and victims could get a good view of Tim's execution, from beginning to its miserable end. The auditorium was in Oklahoma City and there were over two hundred hungry eyes wanting so-called "justice" to satisfy that emptiness. All of the sickening hoopla surrounding the very public execution was nicknamed "Bloodstock," a fitting word to describe the onslaught of people who descended upon Terre Haute for a "spectacular death concert."
Tim McVeigh mattered to me. I cannot fully explain it and so I just follow my emotional instincts and not attempt to rationalize any of this. McVeigh caused untold misery, but putting him to death does nothing to change that. I watched CNN early this afternoon and felt defeated and beaten. As an anti-death row activist, I did everything in my power to overturn McVeigh's death sentence but it wasn't enough. My opinions and feelings are not shared by most people, but I would hope that no-one begrudges me for standing up for McVeigh. Did I love him in a distant and bizarre way? Perhaps. I would have liked to help him, or at least convince him not to drop his appeals a year ago this past December.
However, I certainly didn't start out feeling compassion and concern for this man. It took me a great deal of soul-searching and prayers before it sunk in that my past beliefs were good ones---good and right. Capital punishment is wrong, wrong, wrong and not only that, it does nothing but destroy yet another family. Still, my anger overtook me when I saw television programs depicting maimed children, children who would never walk again or have normal lives. I looked at that "perpetrator walk picture" and was filled with rage.
No, I have put up this site in order that you may be able to see past McVeigh's extremist views and his violent crime to find an intelligent, but very troubled and misguided man whose life very well may have taken a completely different path. That is the real tragedy of this man. Also, this page speaks out against the death penalty and this provides the backdrop for my dissertations on McVeigh and his wrongful murder. I hope that clears matters up for you. I do not, nor will I ever, support and believe in capital punishment.
You turned a blessed corner
And finally found peace.
Although I managed to get past the terrible carnage, many hundreds likely never will, but even knowing that, I fervently believe that Timothy McVeigh should not have been executed for his crimes. Somehow I took the long and mysterious journey from disdain to genuine caring for a man who, for all intents and purposes, both felt he had nothing to lose by bombing the Murrah building and who did so in order to be sentenced to death and thus fulfil his suicidal plans. It's sad, really. Anyhow, here is a poem I wrote shortly after the disaster, before culling any positive feelings for McVeigh:
This site will be revamped and will focus on letting Tim McVeigh show the tragic events of his life, a sad one laced with severe bouts of clinical depression and the ways that his problems could have been rectified had someone seen all of the glaring red flags that screamed for love, attention and approval. Tim was, for all intents and purposes, always eager to please. But try as he might, nobody noticed him, not even his own family. To anyone out there who thinks my site is in extremely poor taste, I will reiterate with, "You people are happy as little clams to know that a healthy young man is going to die for his crimes. Revenge rears its ugly head, so please do not claim that killing Tim "serves justice." It merely serves cold-blooded murder.
So, I remain here and will not abandon my search for an American society to realize how inhumane capital punishment is and then eventually get rid of this nefarious practice. If you come back here again, you will discover that I have given McVeigh a kind of "martyr without a cause." This site is dedicated to the pro-death penalty view, as well as examining the life and death of a boy who could have done so much good for the world, but instead, was forced to pay the ultimate price. I have never seen our world through such dark and obscuring shades as I do now.
Tim McVeigh had a little more than four days left to live when I wrote the passages above. His death still haunts me, along with vivid images of people who were actually cheering, hugging and kissing as Tim was having the life drained out of his body. Rejoicing in the death of another is nothing short of obscene. I used to feel very badly for the survivors of the blast and those who had lost loved ones that fateful day in April, 1995, but now my sympathy has been compromised after a lot of them were complaining bitterly that McVeigh "didn't suffer enough." Believe me, he did suffer. Just read my description of what happens to the body during the administration of the lethal injection and you will see what I mean.
Just below is the link where I describe how McVeigh died and ask both survivors, as well as family and friends of those killed that day to read it:
Just below is a photo of a distressed woman who protested McVeigh's execution and is moved to tears upon hearing that he was pronounced dead:
"Never mind what you might of heard about me.
Never mind what you might have seen on the tv."
The table was set
Right after the final meal.
Needles for dessert.
Copyright, 2001 by enigmacat.
Tim's at the mirror.
Heaves a chair at it's smugness.
Then shatters to bits.
Copyright, 2002 by enigmacat.
things to get another stay of execution. Even if it was, the fact remains is that he said it.
Please try to keep an open mind, no matter how difficult that is. It is not up to anyone to put someone to death. In Canada, we reject the death penalty and are chastised for being too "soft on crime." No, we are abiding the law, both the laws of the land and the words of God. Many think that, since a murderer has killed, then the same should be vested upon the killer. It's just not that black and white. It is not up to anyone to decide to execute a criminal. We have to look into our own dark hearts and realize that killing is wrong, wrong, wrong. Revenge does not give people just cause to take a life. Even Tim's. You hate him because he seems to taunt survivors and says he's not remorseful. That's what Tim's all about: He's got such a high and impenetrable wall built up in front of him that nobody knows what he truly feels. There's a saying that "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic." There is some validity to that. I've heard from my sources who run the "Death Row Speaks" site that Tim has been more receptive of discussing religion. If he would just beg Jesus to forgive him, he'd be saved. He may be sent to Purgatory first, but God won't wreak vengeance on him. That's another reason we should never kill. We aren't all powerful and all-knowing. Just try to see things from the perspective of one who feels a very bizarre attraction to a man who's universally hated and reviled. If that makes me a twisted lunatic, well, believe me, I've heard worse.
So, exactly what am I going to do with this site? I guess I've nominated myself as the voice of temperament, one of the very few who will mourn McVeigh when he's given the lethal injection very soon. Is he frightened at all, or are his suicidal tendencies bring him a warm feeling of relief that he'll be gone before long.
This site is not only for those of you out there who share my beliefs concerning the futility of clamouring for Timothy's blood. It is for others who oppose the death penalty as much as I do. We have to get together and figure out a reasonable way to deal with this extremely important issue. I live in Canada, which, fortunately, has banned the death penalty---for now. Those of you in the United States, who seem to be most prevalent on the Internet, need to read this. I know that many of your states support this atrocity, and I was saddened to see New York reinstate it recently. I live in constant fear that our country, wracked by pressure to reinstate this barbarism, will cave in. I would organize protests and take part in acts of civil disobedience to see that this never happens. Don't you Americans realize that as long as you support the death penalty you will never truly be free?
While watching an episode of "Law and Order" recently, I became enraged at District Attorney McCoy's attitude. He had welcomed the return of the lethal injection several times over the last few seasons, but at the end of the program, Adam Schiff, the Big Cheese of the courtroom who never leaves his office, was quoted as saying, "Enter at your own risk" as the subject of Canada having gotten rid of the death penalty came up. Well, listen, we have much, much stricter laws here with regard the purchase of firearms, and furthermore, there's no Charlton Heston-like jerk touting the virtues of the "Freedom to suspect he was a little of both.
The picture below is of a captured McVeigh being led on that infamous "perpetrator walk" after it was determined that he was somehow involved in the bombing. Like everyone else, I have grown weary of that particular shot----it shows a stern and angry Tim McVeigh and is something that will linger for many years, not just for the survivors and those left without their children and loved ones. No, I do not believe that there is a single individual in North America, not to mention the rest of the world, who hasn't seen that image at least once. So right below I am posting another angle of McVeigh, as the FBI agents escort him to jail. Check it out:
Eventually, I hope to write an accurate, painful fictional effort that will be only thinly disguised. Perhaps then, people will be able to let go of their rage and feelings of vengeance on those who walk that sad last mile. As this site gets further along, I will post the outline of my book, which is tentatively called, "In the Presence Of Mine Enemy." I've already had one book published, a nonfiction effort on my life with a debilitating illness, so I'm hoping my publisher likes the manuscript when it's done.
The articles below concern the situation that Timothy McVeigh has found himself in. I have a confession to make and that is that I was extremely angry, vindictive and sickened when I heard about this tragic event, in which 168 people died, including young children in the government-run daycare centre on the first floor.
As my newspaper article attests, I have forgiven Timothy McVeigh and feel that he is both remorseful and feels that his crimes shouldn't go without the punishment of a lethal injection. That is not the answer, only humanity's hew and cry for revenge and a misguided sense of "justice." Only when we are able to see past the rage and the vigilante temperament, will we grow as a society and develop that rare quality of mercy.
I'd like to think that many of you would have worn this t-shirt on June 11th to protest the death penalty and stand up for life---any life.
On the other side of the coin are the "Execution Commemorative" shirts, which are not only in extremely poor taste, but show just how much of a crass carnival Tim's execution was. This picture is, for all intents and purposes, nothing short of repulsive:
Hide in your shell
'Cos the world is out to bleed you
For a ride. What will you gain,
Making your life a little longer?
Heaven or hell--
Was the journey cold that gave you eyes of steel?
Sheltered behind, painting your mind,
And playing joker.
------Supertramp, "Hide In Your Shell"
I am going to show you how an adorable, innocent little boy was slowly and insidiously transformed into a very disturbed young man. Wracked with rage and emotionally damaged, that happy kid turned down a desolate road to emotional oblivion.
Below are two links to new poems pages. Several of you asked for more of these, so here they are. I have four completed so far:
I'm dead now. Did my victims find closure?
It's my fervent belief they did not.
Those who sat watching me take my last breath,
Most likely found not even one bit of peace.
I'm dead now. My government thinks it has won.
How I loathed it's hypocrisy and lusting for blood.
I wish that I still had a voice and some spittal.
Do those people in charge not smell death on their hands?
I'm dead now. I guess that I lived a full life.
But reaped no rewards from its rich treasure trove.
Still, I've garnered much fame and held court for six years.
So if death was the price, it was worth it.
What I did was heroic and my death will be avenged,
You sit there all primped and preened, sure that you're right,
You painted my portrait in grey and pastels,
No bright, screaming hues in your gallery of shame.
What are you gaining? Must I dance to your tunes?
You've traded my actions for hyperbole, have you not?
So I turn in my grave, do a dance for you all.
As you use my brave actions to further your gains.
How I hate you and spit upon all that is wrong.
Your words cost me many due accolades.
My death spawned hundreds of essays of drivel.
I guess you all shine in my light: Fame By Proxy.
Don't you get it, my doubters? Am I that pathetic?
I have spent quite a bit of time revamping this site, but there is still very much to do. I hope that those of you who are interested in this site will keep coming back as new links are added. I have scanned all of the pictures from "American Terrorist" and they will be illustrating my treatment and the first act of my screenplays.
The manuscript is coming along. I've finished the research and have an outline written. There's a great deal more to do, but I am determined to finish it before the summer. It's a novel that juxtaposes the troubled life of a young psychiatric patient with the plight of a young man on death row. Believe it or not, there are many similarities----many nasty features that transform both the hospital and the death row unit into modern-day concentration camps. Soon I will post the chapter outlines and will eventually put a couple of the chapters on this site.
It's rather puzzling why some search engines and FFA sites deny my request to be posted on them, citing "questionable content" as the reason. Well, what can I say? This ain't a fan site for followers of "The Brady Bunch," but it's not "questionable" either. Oh well, I guess the Internet is still pretty conservative.
Hide in your shell
'Cos the world is out
To bleed you for a ride.
What will you gain,
Making your life a little longer?
Heaven or hell,
Was the journey cold
That gave you eyes of steel?
Shelter behind, painting your mind
And playing joker.
The "Death Penalty As Unconstitutional" SiteRing|
This site owned by
Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms.
"Brothers In Arms," By Dire Straits.
"An eye for an eye leaves us all blind."
The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Capital punishment has to come to an end and it will, when we all come to the undeniable conclusion that all life is sacred. There has to be a cessation to the cycle of violence and destruction that will, unchecked, diminish all of us.
For so long we have struggled and we've cried so many tears.
Took our knocks and often stumbled when faced with frightening fears.
It seems as if our simple words won't resonate at all
And humanity will pay the price when into hell we fall.
April 24th, 2009.