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Smooth Swinging for First Timers
by Shayla Pandava
What goes on at your first swinger party can vary widely from couple to couple, party to party, and night to night. If you and your mate are having a bad energy day, you're probably going to find yourselves at a bad energy party. So the first thing you need at your inaugural swinger party is your best party mood. Whether you answered an ad or got an invite from an acquaintance, you and your mate can arrive on the scene and easily convince yourselves that you're the odd couple out. You're sure everyone but you knows what they're doing. (Even though they don't). The best thing for a newbie to realize is that, apart from the initial social chatter, everyone else is probably just as blindly jostling, bumping, and guessing in the dark as you are. It's all about getting to know what other couples want. Do they swap? Do they watch? Does he like guys? Does she like women? At any given swingers party, you and your partner will not be the only ones wondering these things. Other couples may be clinging to the few people they know (but aren't interested in playing with) because it's a comfort zone. But in the end, swingers go to parties to meet new couples. This means that being a little in the dark is part of the scene (even part of the excitement). What about a group where the guests all seem to know each other? Though they rarely know each other as well as you might think from the friendly greetings, you can be sure there's one couple at the party nobody knows -- you. And this means you'll be the subject of great curiosity. Think of this as an advantage, not a liability. First, admit you and your partner are newbies. Most people are more than willing to help new people along. Then, if in doubt, watch. Watch for the rules of the house; watch how others make contact. The biggest difference between the newbie and the experienced swinger is that the more experienced swingers have a clearer picture of what they want. And yes, they've established some ways to go after it. But hanging back, taking it slow, is never frowned upon. Just remember, the first time out, you don't have to get lucky, you just have to have fun. Eventually, if not your first party then your third or fifth, you will get lucky -- provided you keep coming back. The bottom line is: your first experience is successful if it's pleasant, enticing, titillating enough to keep you coming back for more.
So here are a few rules you can take with you to make sure your first swinger experience leaves you with that pleasant afterglow.
?Before you go to the party, discuss with your partner what you will and won't do, what you like and don't like, what you're hoping will happen versus what you're dreading might happen. Most negative first-time experiences come from a combination of the couple not knowing what to expect and their expecting to follow other couples' lead.
?Don't feel pressured. Swinger etiquette is very protective of people's right to say "No, thank-you." Feel free to exercise that right. As long as you're polite, no one will hold it against you.
?Make a "boundaries" list and stick to it. Know where your partner will and won't go. If something unexpected comes up and it's not on the "will do" list, try to get away and have a summit before responding. If you can't get away, let it go. Discuss it after the party and put it into the rule book for future reference. Don't feel you have to jump on every opportunity; a missed opportunity will enhance your desire to return -- which means the experience was a success.
?Maintain solidarity with your partner. Jealousy, uncertainty, discomfort, a couple can ward off these potential negatives by maintaining their solidarity, by "checking in" with their mate and putting the relationship at the center of all decisions.
?Be polite, by old-fashioned standards. Please, thank-you, no thank-you. Suggest rather than insist; decline with a smile rather than a scowl.
?Let having fun be your goal.
?And come fully prepared: have your sex goodies on hand in case you get lucky.
Here's some terminology that might come up in conversation:
Bi-curious - A male or female who is interested in trying sexual activities with someone of the same sex.
Closed swinging - Couples are having sex in separate rooms of the same premises.
Hard core swingers - Couple who live, eat, sleep swinging; also swingers who engage in hard core swinging (below).
Hard core swinging - A swinger gathering or meeting is hard core when sex is expected.
Hard swinging - Swinging where there is sexual partner switching, "hard swinging" is synonymous with swapping.
Hedonism - From an involved Greek philosophy and way of life, it is basically the belief that the greatest good in life is to seek physical pleasure. Pleasure seeking. It can be a way of life. The Hedonism resort chain obviously co-opted this concept. They are quite opulent and favorite destinations of swingers, nudists, and fetishists.
Matroom - A room set up for group sex. Also known as a group room.
Meet for pleasure - This expression means, in swinging, that the encounter is not about friendship, but sex only.
Menage a trios - From the French, this means three people set up a household. It includes sexual relations of course. So it really refers to a live-in situation, but it has been generalized quite a bit. On the site, it can often mean any "encounter" in which three people have sex.
Naturists - An actual national organization of nudists, these are nudists with a philosophy, so it includes nature, going back to nature, and a lot of outdoor activities.
Nudists -- People who like to be nude and do it as often as possible. They often remain nude in their homes, get together with other nudists for events, or have special places like camps or beaches where they can congregate (in the nude, of course).
Open swinging - Two, plus couples have sex in the same room -- but not necessarily with each other.
Orgy - Group sex, lots of people, lots of parts in lots of holes and no wallflowers allowed.
Polyamory - Sexual relationships with more than one partner. Usually refers to emotional attachment and various agreements between the partners.
Recreational Swinging - No-strings swinging -- swinging without attachments, friendships, relationships, emotional connections, etc.
Roman (Roman Style, Roman Culture) - Sex by orgy.
Social - In a swinger context you meet and greet, but don't have sex. Essentially a chance to meet other couples for future sexual encounters.
Soft swinging - Couples get together and engage in sexual activity together, but they only have sex with their own partners -- no partner swapping; no mingling of bodies between couples. But a lot of watching does go on -- and possibly some touching -- a touchy matter best negotiated in advance. The hard line for soft swinging is no intercourse between non-mates. A wider definition says that any time a couple brings in a third party, they are swinging (threesomes). But in this case the third party would only watch or be watched.
Swapping -- There is physical contact between one or both partner(s) of one couple and one or both partner(s) of another couple.
Swinging - Refers to couples "playing" with other couples or with singles. It doesn't really qualify the degree of play. It tends to mean there is some sort of sex involved. In any case, the term doesn't really give you any clues as to who does what with whom. For some clue, they have invented the terms "hard swinging" and "soft swinging" and otherwise, you read between the lines.
Threesome - A couple and a third party engage in some form of sexual activity. But it can be used to refer to any three people in a sexual encounter. Every situation is different, so it's important to clarify parameters.
Triad - A three-way, ongoing relationship of mixed sexes, as opposed to a "threesome" which is usually a one-nighter just for sex.
Utopian Swinging - Swinging as a life style, complete with philosophy, which is humanistic in nature.
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