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| "It's In His Kiss" by Lisa Chavez | ||||||||||||||||
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On the first date, many a woman considers "The Kiss" the deal breaker. If it's good, she's ready to roll. If it's bad, she'll hit the road. And yet apparently, the kiss is love's best kept secret. Men usually want to plow through it; women want to get all up in it. The difference is a timing gap between men, who just need a hint of physical contact, and women, who need time to rev up their fantasies and line their hormones and emotions all in a row.
As science is learning, not only can men be more easily stimulated by physical touch, but their sex drive is more responsive to visual input, say, a flash of bare skin. Women, on the other hand, need fantasy, romance, and good feelings. On top of that, they often need to feel attractive, or appreciated, or desired before getting aroused. These extra needs leave many men shaking their heads, completely baffled. But the man whose kiss technique massages a woman's need to feel attractive and to fantasize will not only be a successful lover, he will discover that his relationships grow stronger and last longer. If you ask a woman why she has become sexually listless in her relationship, it's a sure bet she'll answer "the romance is gone" or "he doesn't find me attractive any more" or "he takes me for granted." What's more confusing to men is that a woman doesn't necessarily perceive his sexual overtures as a sign of her attractiveness -- she may simply think it's about his hungry penis, nothing more. Here are two syllogisms to spell out the mismatched chemistry: *Man needs touch, sight, to get aroused *Woman needs touch, sight, plus extra time for fantasy to get aroused *Woman often needs additional affection, appreciation, or sense that she's desirable to get aroused. *For man, sex equals appreciation and acceptance *For woman, sex does not equal appreciation/acceptance *For woman "romance" or "passion" or "affection" equals appreciation/acceptance Enter the equalizer -- romantic kissing. What better equalizer than the kiss in all its moments and flavors? It can quell her suspicions about penile imperatives, offer her time to indulge in romance, make her feel wanted and beautiful. Before any clothes come off, a long, arousing kissing session can tell the tale of your affection with plenty of drama and a climax that leaves her wanting more. Knowing all this, you're ready to get down to it. The story starts out with closeness. Early on in the process of kissing, if you just stop to put your face real close to hers, you are signaling how heavenly it is just to be near her. Move your face along hers, slowly, without touching, so that your breath foreshadows what's in store for her as it tickles her neck and whispers in her ear. Maybe that gentle kiss on the ear could be your first. Make her wait. Don't bury your tongue in her mouth until you've created some mystique with little pecks and moist pressings. Nine women out of ten will like it, even if they're surprised. The surprise probably comes from the fact that you're the first guy who's taken the time to be so affectionate. If she's the rare woman who doesn't like the wait, she will either make some moves (just be on the alert and follow the cues), or she'll wait until something more to her liking comes along -- and what's going to come along will be well worth the wait. Once you've worked up to your first deep one, pull away from her mouth, brush her cheek with yours and return to breathing softly against her neck. Give the lady a chance to fantasize about you (and she probably will); give her time to imagine how much you are taken by her. That should be a turn-on. For some women, the kiss is almost as intimate as sex itself. Since women don't tend to respond to visual cues as predictably and immediately as men, a lady's arousal process can sometimes seem infuriatingly slow to the guy who can see a pair of firm tits and say, "OK, I'm ready." If you're that guy, here's big secret number one: when courting a woman, do not underestimate the element of tease. You can literally tease the juice out of her. Giving each kiss a long languorous build-up will never hurt and you'll rarely go wrong. Women don't get blue balls, and women who want it faster will let you know. If you're a guy who wants to project an air of being in control, here's big secret number two: Many women enjoy a man who's in control, but almost all women enjoy being wanted and appreciated even more. Especially on a first date, if you think of the kiss as a world of its own, a mini sexual encounter, face to face, you'll feel less pressure to be in control. So if you act like your kiss with her is the highest pinnacle of your life on planet earth, you'll make an impression; count on it. And as you're exploring her lips, her tongue, the inside of her mouth, pace yourself. It's not about knowing the tricks as much as noticing the woman you're with. Learn to tune in to her tiniest reactions and then respond, and you'll have all the "tricks" you need. Drink in every bit of her: You're right inside her where she's soft and warm. Is she juicy? Does her tongue respond to yours? Is she heating up? Are her lips smooth and tasty? There is a rough and smooth side of the tongue -- use them both and see how she reacts to each. [to be concluded next week with a series of steps that will kiss her into a frenzy . . .] |
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| "It's In His Kiss" (II) by Lisa Chavez | ||||||||||||||||
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[This is the second part of the article "It's in His Kiss." If you missed part 1, it's alive and well and living in our archives. You can find it two weeks back in the "Sex Secrets" columns. But for now, here's where we left off:
The perfect kiss... It's not about knowing the tricks as much as noticing the woman you're with. Learn to tune in to her tiniest reactions and then respond, and you'll have all the "tricks" you need. Drink in every bit of her: You're right inside her where she's soft and warm. Is she juicy? Does her tongue respond to yours? Is she heating up? Are her lips smooth and tasty? There is a rough and smooth side of the tongue -- use them both and see how she reacts to each." And now for part 2:] The greatest skill a good kisser can develop is attention. Focus. While you 're kissing her remember: her mouth is the only place in the world. Don't be thinking ahead, be right there on, in, and around her mouth; create a fantasy around it. You can imagine her mouth as a vagina, if you like -- or a flower or a dark cave. But when you're kissing, you should lose yourself in that wet place. You should be mapping its contours and studying its reactions. A nibble on the lips -- does she part her lips for you? Little licks to her upper lip -- does she meet your tongue with hers? You can learn a lot in these intense moments. For example, how open is she? How much control does she take? Does she like it hard or soft? Is she hungry? Timid? Playful? You, too, are communicating a lot with this kiss: your (and her) power dynamics, your style, your affection for her, the degree to which she turns you on. The list goes on. And you can bet she's keeping track. The kiss is a couple's reconnaissance mission. But it's also a play world of its own. Rest assured, a long, slow, agonizing kiss session with plenty of tease (bury in and then pull back) and variety (aggressive to soft) is exactly what many, many women crave. Here are some tease techniques: *Keep tonguing brief *Always alternate deep kisses with something much lighter -- blowing on her lips, for example, or light pecks. *Hold her cheeks gently between your hands for a kiss, then let go and just brush cheek to cheek. *When you go for deeper, wetter action, as you feel her opening up to you and giving way, pull back. Move to slow, light, pointy-tongued brushing over her lips. *Work on just one lip, move from sucking to pecking and back. Then move to the other lip. In poll after poll, women mention the long, gentle, communicative kissing session as something they never get enough of in sexual encounters. Or they say their experiences in the kissing session have been under par. This means that a good kisser will break ahead of the pack. He'll make memories. The kissing number most often bombs, according to many women, when a man views the kiss as a sort of formality on the way to great sex. And while he's observing the formality, most women are busy "reading" him, reading his kisses, finding meaning in every touch of the lips. When the kiss is perfunctory, a woman is not reading "great sex"; she's reading "he doesn't care about me," or "he's bored and he'll be a boring lover," or "he doesn't find me luxuriant and irresistible enough." This doesn't mean that you need to be a psychologist to kiss well. If you let go and be real, enjoy yourself and your partner, you should be fine. But it does suggest that you might want to put your natural goal-orientation on hold so you can give the kiss your devotion. As for intercourse, not to worry. At some point in the kissing process, a woman will probably see a man's tongue as a metaphor for his penis. But you need not anguish over your tongue size! It simply means that your kiss -- somewhat subconsciously -- will be giving her a preview of intercourse. It's a no brainer. If you thrust in hard and sort of take over, well, she may expect you to be an overpowering Mr. Lance a Lot when making love. On the other hand, if you're unresponsive, limp, uninvolved, distant, inflexible -- she's going to be a little worried about the future of your intercourse. So in a sense, how you kiss is telegraphing the way you will approach her vagina. That said, even the lady who loves a good hard fuck, may not want her fuck-preview to begin there. A majority of women still like the build-up, so a nice mix of styles, forces, and textures is your best bet. Wind-up tips: *A kind of fun, fantasy approach is to think of touching her life force with your kiss. Kiss where her pulse lies: the vein of her neck, of her wrist, of her inner elbow, and merge with that rhythm. Use the kiss to merge with her breathing and her pulse, and you are becoming one with her. This will excite some of the chilliest of women! *When you kiss mouth to mouth, kiss as if your tongue were getting laid. Make it ecstasy. And for the breakaway, after your lips have parted linger, briefly (or if it feels right, longer) just micrometers from her lips. And (assuming one or both of you didn't just eat garlic pizza) take in her breath, breathe her, let her breathe you, there, in a moment of bliss and mystery, as if you are suspended together in time. Fire up a whole relationship: Once you've learned to be a focused, present kisser, you can use the kiss as a way to heighten your relationship. *Meet her for lunch and leave her with the long kissing session. *Initiate this kiss in the middle of the day and leave off with something like "I can't wait to take this up again later." Next time you see her, be in for a shock of desire. Since a woman needs fantasy and attention in a relationship, beyond sex and physical presence, mastering the go-no-further kiss that's to-die-for will keep her wanting you through any foul weather. [For Part 1, go back to the archives and click on "Sex Secrets."] |
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