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Simultaneous Orgasm, Ooh Yeah!
by Maris Lemieux
Yeah, I've had the old simultaneous, the mutual come, me and the guy in perfect sync just like in the movies. Was it high voltage pop-my-fuse kind of wonderful the way I'll never forget as long as I live? Nah. It was more like one of those things you can check off your check list. I mean, really the coolest thing about it is that one of you isn't waiting around pretending to be interested after you come. I'm just playing cynical, of course. Really I don't have a problem with after I come because I dig the part where I get to grope him all up and do nasty things to his dick, sometimes even better than coming -- call me weird. And yes, my lover is into getting me off before he does, and lucky for me he's damned good at it.
So my advice about the mutual orgasm is, it's a fun thing to shoot for on a rainy afternoon when the BBQ you were planning gets rained out. But if you give it your best shot and it still doesn't happen, the mutual O is not something to get worked up over.
As Ian Kerner said of the Hollywood-style Simultaneous Orgasm in "She Comes First" (See "She Comes First: A Book Review" in our Archives): "That happens about as often as winning the lottery."
Besides, the mutual orgasm doesn't feel oh-so-much-better from the woman's perspective. It can feel pretty cool, if everything is in sync, and your oom goes with his pa-pa. But more times than not, with two people thrashing to their own rhythms, things are going to get out of sync and then your partner's orgasm can feel like a distraction. Or something might slip when it should slide.
There are really lots of reasons not to bother. There's the problem of split focus -- you don't get to focus on your own pleasure as much because you're concentrating on timing. Each partner is sort of divided in two between their feelings and their doings, between where they are in the orgasmic cycle and where their partner is. So neither will necessarily feel the full intensity of their own sensations.
The second downer is that going for the mutual orgasm can become stressful -- for the guy who's prone to performance anxiety and for the woman who's prone to the desire to please. Unless you take a really blaze attitude towards the mutual, it can feel more like an entrance exam than a shared good time ("memorize these body parts -- test after foreplay!").
But for those ambitious lovers who have been in no way discouraged by this warning, here are a few pointers about the mutual orgasm that will get you started:
1) Know your lover's come cycle (especially guys); know the sounds s/he makes when s/he's hot and hotter, and know how many minutes before orgasm s/he makes them. The lady must know how to make herself come if not to speed things up on her own, at least to guide him in the path of right orgasms. (If the guy already knows how to make her come -- then he's an angel (and she can be lazy).)
2) Know how to control the guy's ejaculation. It's all about him holding off (or her holding him off) until she is just about ready to come. Feel free to do whatever's necessary to make her come -- there's no rule book that says "the only good orgasm is a hands-off orgasm." Use those hands to stimulate his balls, her clit, his or her nipples -- there's no such thing as cheating. Steal, embezzle, rub, finger, and lick to get that orgasm!.
Now on the first requirement:
Don't expect her (or yourself, if you're the lady) to come from the mere thrusting of dick. She will probably need his saucy little fingers (or her own) on her clit. Make sure she's wet first, then play that eager nub for all you're worth -- gently, not ambitiously. Enjoy yourself. Just play, no-pressure, with her clit until her nipples start to curl or her breath starts sounding like the stalked babysitter in a horror movie just after the lights go out.
And for the second requirement:
If a guy is a Tantrika, he can hold back his orgasm on a thought. But most guys need a little more assistance. Here are three options. 1) Reign in the geyser by pushing hard on the perineum (between butt hole and ball sac). 2) If he's inside her, he can pull out and count sheep, or maybe smelly baby diapers. 3) He or she can also pinch off the flow by squeezing the head of his penis.
Once you have these two golden skills in hand -- knowing the come cycle and knowing how to hold off orgasm -- there are any variety of things you can do, but most of them involve being very busy with your hands and body, and paying close attention to your partner.
Senario 1: The lady can play with her own clit while he's inside her thrusting away. They can communicate verbally back and forth as to how close they are and take appropriate measures.
Scenario 2: Guy gives cunnilingus or a finger job until she's almost ready to come. Then he enters her and they go very slowly here -- he works himself up by thrusting, while she keeps her stimulation level high perhaps touching herself a bit or squeezing her PC muscle.
Scenario 3: Mutual masturbation, both stopping and starting as needed. He does not enter her until they both badly feel the need to come.
And so forth.
Obviously, it's about getting to know your partner -- the observable signs of their orgasm as well as the actions to take to send them over. This means that doing it with a new partner will be about five times as tough as doing it with someone you know well. But on the other hand, if you and a new partner set mutual orgasm as a kind of fun goal, it can be a way to get to know them -- so long as you're not prone to over-achieving. Attempt the learning-experience approach only if both you and your partner are very patient, no-expectations kind of people.
The final tip is: relax and have fun. This same thing is true for all sexual endeavors -- the more relaxed, the more total the sexual experience. But it is especially true when trying for the mutual orgasm. Because it may take a few, or several tries, and if you want each try to be fun no matter the outcome, relaxing is the only recourse open to you.
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