If Pulp Fiction Crossed With Star Wars... 

Pulp Fiction/Star Wars
  • HAN: Well, please allow me to retort. What does Jabba the Hutt look like?
  • PIETT: What?
  • HAN: You speak Bocce? What does Jabba the Hutt look like?
  • PIETT: What?
  • HAN: What language do you speak?!
  • PIETT: What?
  • THREEPIO: Sir! I am fluent in six million forms of communication. "What" is no language I've ever heard of.
  • PIETT: What?
  • Han angrily jams his blaster in Admiral Piett's face.

  • HAN: Say "what" again! Say "what" again! I dare you! I double dare you motherfucker! Say "what" AGAIN!!
  • PIETT: Oh no please no!
  • HAN: Now, WHAT DOES JABBA THE HUTT LOOK LIKE!
  • PIETT: He's...he's...bald!
  • HAN: Go on!
  • PIETT: He's...he's...fat!
  • HAN: Does he look like a bitch?
  • PIETT: What??
  • Han shoots Admiral Piett in the arm.

  • PIETT: AAAAHHH!
  • HAN: Answer the question! Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?!
  • PIETT: NO!
  • HAN: Then why did you try to fuck him like a bitch?
  • PIETT: I didn't!
  • HAN: Yes you did! Yes you did! And Jabba the Hutt don't like being fucked by anyone except Mrs. Hutt.
  • PIETT: I...
  • HAN: You religious Piett? I got this passage memorized that kind of applies to this situation.
  • Han starts reciting, walking around the room until the climax of the passage where he and Luke point their blasters at Admiral Piett.

  • HAN: Yoda 35:12...For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. It's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we not this crude matter. But beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, FOREVER WILL IT DOMINATE YOUR DESTINY!!!
  • PIETT: YEEAARRGGHH!!!
  • Han and Luke blast away at the hapless Admiral Piett. All of the sudden a stormtrooper jumps out of the bathroom, with his gun blazing.

  • TROOPER: YEAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • The stormtrooper stops abruptly when he realizes that he's out of ammo and he hasn't hit a damn thing. Han and Luke look around the room at the gouges blasted into the walls, then at each other. They then angrily shoot the stormtrooper. Han turns and walks over to Threepio.

  • HAN: Why didn't you tell us there was somebody hiding in the bathroom with a fucking hand turbolaser? Slip your mind?
  • LUKE: Did you see the size of that gun Han? It's a miracle we're still alive.
  • HAN: I call it luck.
  • LUKE: It wasn't luck. I could feel the force.

  • Another Pulp Fiction/Star Wars Cross

  • Vader: So, you think you came out of lightspeed to close to the system?
  • Ozzel: Man, I don't even have an opinion.
  • Vader: Well, you gotta have an opinion. Do you think that God came down from heaven and exited hypersp-- [BLAM]
  • Piett: What'd you do?
  • Vader: I shot Ozzel in the face!
  • Piett: What'd you go and do that for?
  • Vader: It was an accident! The blaster just went off.. you must have been hit by an asteroid or somthing...
  • Piett: The Star Destroyer wasn't hit by any nerf-herding asteroids! We've got to get this thing off the road! Rebels tend to notice that you're riding in a Star Destroyer drenched in BLOOD!

  • Vader: Well, take it to a friendly place!
  • Piett: This is the Hoth System, Palpatine ain't got no friendly places.
  • Vader: Don't yell at me! This isn't my system!
  • Piett: I hope my partner in Bespin is home. If Lando isn't home I don't know WHAT the fuck we're gonna do. [on holo] Hey! Lando! Mind if we use your docking bay for a few hours?
  • [later]

  • Piett: [on holo] We need some help here Palpy.
  • Palpy: What time did you say that the rebels would be there?
  • Piett: 2 hours
  • Palpy: How do you think they'll react? Well no stang they'll freak. How bad?
  • Piett: You have to understand what a delicate problem this Lando situation is. These rebels come home they don't want to see a Super Star Destroyer drenched in blood.
  • Palpy: I'll see what I can do.
  • Piett: I don't want to hear that, all I want to hear is "You don't got no problems Piett, I'm on the nerf-herder. So sit back, chill those dudes out, and wait for the cavalry, which will be arriving directly."
  • Palpy: "You don't got no problems Piett, I'm on the nerf-herder. So sit back, chill those dudes out, and wait for the Fett, who will be arriving directly."
  • Piett: You sending the Fett?
  • Palpy: You happy?
  • Piett: Stang Emperor, that's all you had to say.
  • [later]

  • Vader: This is some darn good coffee Lando, I was expecting that freeze dried stuff, but you go and spring this gourmet stuff on us!
  • Lando: I don't need to hear how good my coffee is Vader. I know how good it is. I buy it. When Han goes to the store he buys crap. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because I want to taste my coffee when I drink it. You know what concerns me now? It's not the coffee in the cup, it's the blood covered Star Destroyer in my docking bay.
  • Vader: We're fixin--
  • Lando: Did you see a sign on Cloud City that said "Blood Covered Star Destroyer Storage" when you flew in?
  • Piett: You know we didn--
  • Lando: Did you see a sign on Cloud City that said "BLOOD COVERED STAR DESTROYER STORAGE"??????
  • Piett: No.
  • Lando: You know why you didn't see it? Because is ain't there. Because storing blood covered star destroyers ain't my nerf-herding business!
  • [a flying lamp post arrives]

  • Fett: Hello gentlemen, by name is Fett. I solve problems.
  • - Jim Fisher 



    Pulp Science Fiction: The Chewie Situation

    Han [on phone]: I don't think you appreciate just how explosive this Chewie situation is, Jabba! What do you think's gonna happen when Leia comes home and finds a bunch of smugglers doing smuggler shit in her kitchen? She'll freak!

    Jabba: Damn right she'll freak.

    Han: Well, so far I haven't heard anything on what you're gonna do about all this!

    Jabba: Relax. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back to Luke, and wait for the Fett who should be arriving pronto.

    Han: You're sending in the Fett??

    Jabba: Oh yeah. You happy now?

    Han: Shee-eet, Jabba, that's ALL you had to say!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Boba [on phone] Give me the names of the principles again.

    [writes]Chewie - Wookie
    Luke - Jedi
    Han - Corellian
    Leia - Princess

    Boba: Where is it?

    Boba: That's 30 light-years away. I'll be there in 10..

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Boba: My name is Boba Fett. I solve problems.

    Luke: Good, we have one.

    Boba: So I've heard. May I come in?

    Luke: Oh, sure.

    Boba: Very well, gentlemen. I'm led to believe that there is a bounty hunter minus a head in a freighter. Take me to it.

    [Examines Millennium Falcon and blasted pieces of Greedo]

    Boba: Chewie. I thought I smelled coffee in there. Will you make me some?

    Chewie: Arrargh.

    Boba: Han, what's the Falcon like. Anything wrong with it?

    Han: No...

    Boba: Are you SURE? I don't want to find out all of the sudden that the hyperdrive is broken or something.

    Han: No man, as far as I know, the Falcon is cool.

    Boba: Good. Luke, we need to cover this up with the sheets.

    Luke: Ah, Mr. Fett...

    Boba: Please, call me Boba. Bob for short.

    Luke: Ah, Boba, this is our best linen. It was given to me by my Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru who are no longer with us...

    Boba: Let me ask you a question. Were your Uncle Owen and Aunt...

    Luke: Beru.

    Boba: Beru. Were they millionnaires?

    Luke: Er, no...

    Boba: Well, your Uncle Jabba IS a millionaire, and I think he would be more than happy to buy you a whole bedroom set. I have oak, myself, in my bedroom. You like oak, Luke?

    Luke: Oak is nice.

    Boba: Okay, gentlemen. We are going to go to a place called Bespin, where a man named Lando is, shall we say, sympathetic to our cause. I'll pilot the tainted ship. Han comes with me. Luke, you take the Slave I. And if I get it any different than when I gave it to you, Lando's going to be disposing of two bodies. If any star destroyers pull us over, don't do anything unless I do it first. Got it? 


    (All of the above are credited when I know who to credit if anyone knows the author of the uncredited ones please let me know. Send mail to: Gremlin)
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