An Interview With Greedo From The Harvard Lampoon
- Dan Wallace
A Light Side Jedi Master and his apprentices are walkind through a meadow towards their academy. Before them lie dark, foreboding woods, and in their path stands Darth Vader, who has just recently become a Dark Lord of the Sith. Even without his black suit, he looks formidable, but the Jedi walks up to him...
Vader - "None shall pass."
Jedi - "What?"
Vader - "None shall pass."
Jedi - "I have no quarrel with you, Vader, but my students and I must pass through this forest."
Vader - "Then you shall die!"
(Both men draw their lightsabers and start a furious attack on noe another. Then, Vader charges at the Jedi, who neatly slices off Vader's left arm)
Jedi - "Now stand aside worthy opponent!"
Vader - "It's just a scratch."
Jedi - "A scratch? Your arm's off!"
Vader - I've had worse."
Jedi - "You lie!"
Vader - "Come on you pansy!"
(They continue to fight, and through a trick of the Force, the Jedi hacks off Vader's other arm)
Jedi - "Victory is mine!" (kneels down) "Thank the Force that I was
able to defeat..."
Vader - (kicks the Jedi and knocks him down)"Come on!"
Jedi - (gets up) "You are indeed brave, Vader, but the fight is mine!"
Vader - "Oh, had enough, eh?"
Jedi - "Look you stupid piece of bantha fodder, you've got no arms left!"
Vader - "It's just a flesh wound." (starts to kick again)
Jedi - "Stop that!"
Vader - "Chicken, CHICKEN!"
Jedi - "Look, I'll have your leg!"
Vader - (makes a raspberry sound)
Jedi - "So be it!" (hacks off Vader's right leg)
Vader - "I'll get you for that!" (hops towards the Jedi and knocks against him repeatedly)
Jedi - "You'll what?"
Vader - "Come here!"
Jedi - "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"
Vader - "I'm invincible! The dark knight always triumphs! I'm going to get you!"
(the Jedi makes a disgusted face and cleaves Vader right in half)
Vader - (top half sitting on the ground) "All right, we'll call it a
Jedi - (gestures to apprentices, who have been cowering behind a tree) "Come my students!" (they enter the forest)
Vader - "Oh, I see, running away, eh? You yellow nerf herders, come back here and take what's coming to you...I'll bite your legs off!"
Not long after this encounter ended, some Imperial Scout Troops found Vader and took him back to the Executor. The medics patched him up, a prosthetic arm here, a respirator there, and soon he was as good as new. As Ben Kenobi later points out, "He's more machine now than man." And thus evolved Darth Vader as we know him today.
If The Empire Strikes Back ripped off The Princess Bride....
Interior: Carbon Freezing Room.
VADER: The Force is with you, Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.
LUKE: (with Spanish accent, slowly) My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
VADER: Uh... yeah, whatever. (activates lightsaber)
LUKE: (activates lightsaber, spanish accent, slightly faster) My name is Luke Skywalker, you killed my father, prepare to die.
VADER: Yeah, right, you said that already.
LUKE:(spanish accent slightly faster) My name is Luke Skywalker, you killed my father, prepare to die! (falls into carbon freezing pit)
VADER: All too easy... and I won't have to listen to him doing that broken record!
LUKE: (jumps out of carbon freezing pit, shouts, with spanish accent) My name is Luke Skywalker! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
VADER: (exasperated) Stop saying that!
LUKE: (cuts Vader's shoulder with lightsaber) My name is Luke Skywalker! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
VADER: (lopps off Luke's hand) Shut the hell up!
LUKE:(spanish accent reallly fast yelling) Ow! My name is Luke Skywalker, you killed my father, prepare to die!
VADER: No. Luke, I am your father! NOW will you stop saying that?!
LUKE: (spanish accent, really loud, distorted expression on face) My name is Luke Skywalker, you didn't kill my father, I was wrong and I feel like an idiot!
- Jocelyn Crimson AKA Ariana Skywalker
You Might Be A Jedi Redneck If.......
"Yoda's Hooked on Phonics! Help You it Can!"
BEGINNING OF SCRIPT
(Yoda enters stage left, cane in hand.)
YODA : Hello there! Yoda I am, help you I can! Product I have, solve problems for you it will!
(Yoda hobbles over to tree stump, sits down.)
YODA : Product I have is Hooked on Phonics! Teach reading it will, proper
english you learn! I myself, he he he, have used wonderful product! See
how words I speak are slurred not? See how
pronunciation proper is? See how reading and writing skills I have improved? He he he. Weak my english was until this product! Now speak I do like a scholar!
(Yoda picks up book, begins to read.)
YODA : A little lamb, Mary she had! Fleece of lamb as snow as is white! To school she went, followed lamb did! He he he.
(Yoda sets down book, walks over to boy sitting on stump.)
YODA : What is problem, young boy? Maybe help you I can?
BOY : Master Yoda, according to my precise calculations, my english is not as scientifically correct as it should be! Do you think you can help me with this unfortunate dillema? Master Yoda, I need your assistance quickly!
YODA : Yes, trouble you have, hmmmm, much trouble. Help you I will! Problem you have I will solve! Take this product (Yoda hands hooked on Phonics package to boy) and study it you should, for 3 or 2 weeks you should! Help you it will! Trust me you must!
(Boy takes Hooked on Phonics package from Yoda.)
BOY : Oh, thank you master Yoda! I shall study this pamphlet you have given to me. I shall study day and night, and will prevail the illness I carry!
(Screen blacks out, then Dagobah reappears. Yoda is sitting on log and reading next to his hut.)
YODA : ......and Jack, beanstalk he climbed, triumphed he did! He he he....... Oh, hello there, viewers who are faithful! Boy, he should return soon! Cured I hope he is! He he he.
(Boy enters right, sets Hooked on Phonics book down on a log.)
BOY : Yoda master, thank you much! Help me this did, cured now I am! Repay you how can I? Wonderful this is such!
(Yoda walks over to boy, sits down next to him.)
YODA : Hmmmm....master of phonics you are! You have exceeded expectations I had! Wonderful this is!
(Yoda sheds a tear, boy rest head on Yoda's shoulder.)
YODA : Results you have seen! (Sniff) Help you this product will! Buy it you must, if solution you seek!
Voice of Salesman : To order this product, check you must send. Major the credit cards are, excepted they will be! C.O.D.s excepted are not! If call must you do, call 1-800-YODATALK. That it is 1-800-YODATALK. Yoda's hooked on Phonics, help you it shall! Help you it shall!
END OF SCRIPT
- Boba Fett
(All of the above are credited when I know who to credit if anyone knows
the author of the uncredited ones please let me know. Send mail to: Gremlin)
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