The Dick Grievances
It ain't easy being a dick. I've got a head I can't think with and an eye I can't see out of. I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbor is an asshole. My best friend is a pussy. Every time I get excited I throw up, and worst of all, my owner beats me!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to wallpaper a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them ...
How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Drag queen.
"Close? They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist..." - Revolutionary War General, speaking about the British. He was shot before he could finish the sentence.
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace...
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is most effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
It was during World War I, when Patrick was in France, that his wife wrote to him. "There isn't an able-bodied man left in Ireland," she said, "and I'm gonna have to dig up the garden myself to plant the potatoes."
Patrick wrote back, "Don't dig up the garden. That's where all the guns are."
The letter was censored and soldiers came to the house and dug up every square foot of the garden, finding no guns. "I don't know what to do," Pat's wife wrote him. "Soldiers came and dug up the whole garden."
Patrick wrote back, "Plant potatoes."
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over, love,
You're about to get fisted.
From Gene Spafford's Yucks Digest:
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.
-- Butch Hancock
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
Q: What do you get when you play a new-age song backwards? A: A new-age song.
A real quote:
"No, but they gave one to me anyway." -- LA Lakers rookie Elden Campbell, when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University.
* The attorneys general of New York and Minnesota recently announced their states' "top 10" lists of frivolous lawsuits. New York prisoners have filed lawsuits alleging a defective haircut by the prison barber, improper "white" towels instead of "beige," and an ice cream dessert that was largely melted. Minnesota inmates have filed lawsuits demanding damages for being provided an improper variety of beans on the menu, a lack of salsa, a surfeit of bologna, and underwear that was too tight ("cruel and unusual punishment"). One Minnesota inmate said his primary purpose in filing his lawsuit was "pure delight in spending taxpayers' money."[N. Y. Post, 6-13-95] [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 3-25-95]
* In Idaho in April, three inmates filed a $10.7 million lawsuit against Cassia County because jail guards failed to give them late-night snacks. [USA Today, 4-24-95]