ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANTISEMITISM: You have two cows. One day you discover a minorah in the barn and shoot one of the cows. The other cow flees to Israel.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. You try to sell them in Europe. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time left to milk them.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM -- BUSH'S NEW: You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull. Then you take out a huge loan on the cow. After you get the loan, you ignore both the cow and the loan. Then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows and a problem finding them in the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM 2: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk.

COMMUNISM -- TEXTBOOK: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, then sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM -- MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed the cows and when you can milk them. Then the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

REVANCHISM: You have two cows. One of them starts giving sour milk, and you are certain that the reforms are to blame.

REVANCHISM -- GERMAN: You have two cows. Instead of milking them, you sit around all day bitching about the bull that the Versailles Treaty took away from you.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your cowless neighbor.

SOCIALISM -- TEXTBOOK: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and forces the other to take harmonica lessons.

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

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